Listing to Port

The ratio of real US presidents to fictional ones, the number of Mona Lisas, the average number of human legs per human, the number of capybaras riding the London Underground at this moment, the ratio between the energy density due to the cosmological constant and the critical density of the universe, the number of people who are wearing the world’s best hat, the number of vast sprawling alien cities glimmering with tiny red lights established in the oceanic deeps of the mid-pacific, the mass of an electron in kilograms, the ratio of big fish to little fish, the number of living dodos, the ratio of fictional plumbers to real ones, the fine-structure constant, the number of Hitler’s testicles in the Albert Hall, the number of books that have been written about ten billion fictional plumbers (so far).

The Internet is wise and wide;
The Internet’s a sage
Distilling and distributing
The knowledge of this age.
But when I asked the Internet,
Its words meant naught to me:
You won’t believe this one weird trick
A mom once taught to me!

What trick? I asked the Internet.
The Internet replied:
What happened next will warm your heart,
Just come and step inside.
What mom? I asked the Internet;
It answered, Did you know?
How she looks now will haunt you!
Come on, let me list why so.

And I must have quailed or something,
For it said, with unctuous care,
Well, number six is shocking,
Why not try some gentler fare?
Like this dog whose soldier master
Has returned from years apart,
Or these fifteen gorgeous kittens
Who will truly melt your heart?

But still I went on searching
For the meaning of that phrase.
I’d done this wrong my whole life through,
I thought. I searched for days.
And at last, a revelation
Slowly rolled into my brain,
As I read a list of mysteries
That science can’t explain.

What if my search for wisdom
From our planet’s fount of learning
Had been Byzantinated
By a lack of proper kerning?
There was no mom, no crafty mom
Putting the world to rights:
Instead, the demon Amom
Had me squarely in her sights.

Amom, that great spider;
She who haunts each hologram;
The hacker of dropped packets
And the fountainhead of spam;
Who deep within the darkest web
Encrypts your zombie dreams;
And whose trick is slurping people
Through a portal in their screens.

Amom has my soul now;
In a field of burning bytes
She warmed my heart, then melted it
To feed her kitten-wights.
Ignore that patch upon your screen
That’s sort of like a door
This one weird trick will shock you -
Just lean inwards to hear more…

1. The Timely Weaver. Believed to be one Mrs. J. Owolabi, originally from Lagos. Mrs. Owolabi gained superpowers when she was unexpectedly licked by the long-distance train to Kano, which that day was being haunted by the ghost of a dog. Feeling herself called to use her powers for good, she concocted a costume and identity based on the Little Weaver, a bird of which she was particularly fond. Her powers extend only to the telekinetic movement of relatively small items. However, by careful use of these skills she has managed to carve out a niche for herself as a hero who identifies people at risk of being late for important appointments, and subtly delays the trains and buses they might otherwise miss by knocking the keys of their drivers onto the floor and/or hiding their pens and other important knick-knacks.
2. Kachiko. Kachiko is a cat. Her superpower is perhaps the one most wished-for by cats: that of sleep. Kachiko has in fact been asleep for seven years (as of 2016). She is able both to eat and shit in her sleep. Her home in Roxas City is regularly visited by other cats on pilgrimage in search of inspiration; thus it may be considered that she at least passively uses her powers to benefit catkind. Kachiko is believed to have been given the gift of sleep by a grateful rat whose life she saved in a complicated case of mistaken identity.
3. EMD F58PH. EMD F58PH is a train which was once ridden in by a radioactive elephant (it is a little known fact that, at any one time, there is usually at least one radioactive elephant trying to catch a train in America. The constant struggle between these elephants and the US secret service is one of the country’s more surprising state secrets and has been making new presidents say ‘Really?’ since at least 1920). The elephant endowed the train with sentience and a restless super-intelligence which is unfortunately quite wasted on a train. In recent years EMD F58PH has managed to connect to the internet and spends its rather dull days playing chess and arguing with train enthusiasts, most of whom have no idea that they are debating the minutiae of railway mechanisms with an actual train. EMD F58PH has on occasion used its powers to avoid hitting animals that have strayed onto the tracks, but is otherwise careful to remain morally neutral.  
4. Charles Crowley (no pseudonym used). Mr. Crowley was a retired Captain with the Royal Artillery who, at the age of fifty-seven, sustained an unusual power after bumping his head on some helium at London zoo. For the rest of his life, he had the ability to levitate walruses (a walrus happening to be the first creature he set eyes on after the accident). Despite strenuous experimentation, he did not have the ability to levitate anything else. More crucially, he did not have the ability to de-levitate walruses. Being a kindly soul, he felt an obligation to the seven or eight floating walruses he ended up creating whilst testing his powers. Mr. Crowley became a common sight in London, towing his floating walruses behind him like a pack of balloons from fishmonger to fishmonger in search of spare fish matter to feed them. He remains perhaps the only person to be simultaneously banned from all the world’s zoos. Interestingly, the Horniman Museum’s famous overstuffed walrus is believed to be one of Mr. Crowley’s brood and as such still has to be weighted down with a large quantity of lead.

9850 Ends
 -9850.1 Spatial ends
    –9850.11 This end of that thing
       —9850.111 Those that are distant and distinct from the other end
          —-9850.1111 The ends of roads, subway lines and long-distance rail tracks
       —9850.112 Those that curl round a bit
          —9850.1121 The heads of snakes that are eating their own tails
          —9850.1122 The ends of sausages
    –9850.12 The other end of that thing
       —9850.121 Those that are distant and distinct from the other end
          —-9850.1211 The other ends of roads, subway lines and long-distance rail tracks
       —9850.122 The tails of snakes that are eating their own tails
    –9850.13 The ends of things which could be said to only have one end
       —9850.131 The ends of lakes
       —9850.132 Those things you can put under table legs
    –9850.14 The ends of things with multiple endings
       —9850.141 Gruesome deaths in choose your own adventure stories
       —9850.142 Spider feet
       —9850.143 Pom-pom string
    –9850.15 Places that are named after some kind of end but may or may not be the end of something
       —9850.151 Places that are called ‘Frog end’ but bear no resemblance to either end of a frog
       —9850.152 The arse end of nowhere
 -9850.2 Temporal ends
    –9850.21 Sunsets, temporary farewells and other minor endings
       —9850.211 Those which invoke a charming sense of wistfulness
       —9850.212 Those whose thoughtless ease belies the chance that someday they will be a bigger ending
    –9850.22 The ends of years, courses, projects and suchlike
    –9850.23 Those that are not really ends
       —9850.231 That bit in the story where everyone gets married and we stop because that’s obviously the peak of their life right
       —9850.232 Those that involve things you will totally stop doing today or maybe tomorrow
       —9850.233 Those that will be ends if the currently-last instalment does not make enough money, otherwise there will be a sequel along soon
    –9850.24 Deaths
    –9850.25 Apocalypses
       —9850.251 Those involving fire
       —9850.252 Those involving ice
       —9850.253 Those involving nanobots and baked goods
       —9850.254 Those involving mechanically enhanced wildebeest who were only intending to take an ill-thought-through revenge on lionkind
       —9850.245 Those which are frankly too embarrassing to talk about but well done human race, you really did it this time
 -9850.3 Innuendological ones
    –9850.31 Bell ends
 -9850.4 Loose ones

The laughter never stops, open your heart, dreams go on forever, may all your dreams come true, follow your heart, toss your liver in the air with joy, love so totally your left buttock falls off and you don’t even notice, stomp out your spleen, everything everywhere is clowns forever.

1. The Land of No-Nos. A movable dimension approximately the size of a cupboard, the Land of No-Nos is thought to have been conjured into existence by a particularly enterprising toddler. It appears as a large plastic door which can be unlocked by any of the large plastic sets of keys sold for children to play with. Inside there lies a small emporium of all the things toddlers would really, really like to play with and/or eat, including bottles of cleaning fluid, small electronic devices, marbles, cat food and random brown lumps picked up off the ground. The appearance of the land of no-nos can sometimes be inferred by one’s offspring becoming either suspiciously quiet or suspiciously loud.
2. The ButterDome. Back in 1987, at the height of the European Butter Mountain, some enterprising dairy-pusher quietly spirited away a few tonnes of butter into a custom miniature dimension about 30 metres across, creating the ButterDome. A visit to the ButterDome is a must for all fans of butter-related extreme sports. Although the butter is primarily used for skiing and tobogganing, there are also tube slides and a range of Winter Olympic sports available. At the end of each session, the butter is squeezed through a wormhole by a specially-trained cadre of grease-resistant badgers, sending it back through its own timeline to its moment of peak freshness before the courses are relaid.
3. The Hoop of Convenience. A small, grey and unremarkable inter-dimensional bubble, the Hoop of Convenience was conjured into being in 1872 by an anonymous socialite. Under the pseudonym Madame Q, she describes her struggles in being the constantly-shining star of every party with a bladder and digestive system that would rather take an occasional break. Being blessed with dimensional powers after accidentally consuming a cocktail meant for an alien partygoer in disguise, she solved this problem by creating the Hoop. It manifests as a round, wooden ring such as might be used to reinforce the floofier kind of dress. When activated, one can step through into the aforementioned bubble, where time moves at a different pace and one can get out of one’s complicated clothes and relieve oneself at leisure. Madame Q is believed to have passed on the Hoop to her descendants, but today it is mainly considered an interesting but smelly curiosity.
4. Olafsson’s Pocket. Olafsson’s Pocket is a pocket dimension which is an actual pocket. It is transferred from garment to garment by means of an ancient curse, which is widely enough known in cursing sort of communities that inflicting someone with Olafsson’s Pocket is a common practical joke. In use, Olafsson’s Pocket functions similarly to a real pocket in that one can insert one’s hand and/or objects into it. However objects frequently emerge somewhat transformed and, as the Pocket is a little leaky, occasionally they are flung into the interstellar vacuum of another Universe.

Those who cannot believe how lucky they are; those who do not know each others’ names; those who play games; those who are there at midnight; those who snatch delight in the weary interstices of childcare; those who would fight a bear for you; those who shyly touch knees under tables; those who need to argue before they can fuck; those who are rigorously scheduled; those who are on the other sides of oceans; those who have detected in each other a common strangeness; those who do not know your name or their own; those who make nests; those who have a heated secrecy; those who crash and burn beautifully and ask to be lit again; those who love the story of their love but are less keen on the love itself; those who hide under fun; those who would happily brick each other up in a cave; those who are dizzy when they meet; those who love their cozy silences; those who are outraged when they find they are not looking in a mirror; those who have quite a nice thing going; those who wake up glowing; those who contemplate the ceiling; those who are there to close your eyelids one last time.

1. The old Earth, having been lapped by the ebb and flow of temperatures for some time, is finally succumbing to the heat. Life remains only at the poles; great humid forests which grow frantically in the Arctic and Antarctic summers. In the winter they sit silently through the months of wet darkness. On the shores of the polar continents (or what were the shores some years ago, because the oceans are beginning their long slow final evaporation) the outer forest, roots boiled to sterile mush, sits rotting. The edge of the outer forest moves a little bit inwards every year.

2. Although the sun is big and red, the world beneath is still inhabited. By now, so many generations of humans have passed by that any part of the planet you care to choose is nothing but the archaeological layers of past civilisations. Landscapes are walls built on walls built on walls. The only things to mine are ruins and rubbish. Even when they are in some new technological flowering, the people of this Earth stay close to their homes. Some of the ruins are dangerous, and you never quite know in what way.

3. There are no people left on Earth, but the machines they left are more hardy. The machines know that every year a certain amount of new housing is required, which they dutifully build on top of the old housing, there being no other place to do so. Unobserved by human eyes, the towers of Earth are amazing. They tilt against each other, sliding on the crumbling foundations of older buildings which in turn are mined for the materials to build new ones. Sometimes they topple like dominoes. As time goes by, the machines enter a kind of senility occasioned by the action of thousands of years of cosmic rays on their circuitry. Some get stuck on this or that feature: teetering skyscrapers containing nothing but swimming pools; acres of doors that lead only to other doors; planet-spanning corridors lined with avocado bathroom suites. The old planet is slowly destroyed in a kind of telephone game of human culture.

4. The Earth is a bare, rocky ball, devoid of atmosphere or native life. Nostalgic for the homeland of mankind, inhabitants of other planets pay vast sums to stay in the planet’s many dome-based resorts, where they can lie under a blue filter painted with clouds and soak up the ultraviolet in an authentically plastic replica of famous Earth landmarks. The only permanent residents of the planet are low-paid immigrant workers from Titan.

1. You sit down at a table in a restaurant which is decorated with a lovely flower arrangement. You didn’t realise that the table was actually occupied by a horse who was about to eat the flowers. When the horse comes back from the toilet it is too polite to turf you off and just pays its bill and sadly goes home.

2. There is a dinosaur in the wheelchair space on the bus. Nobody seems to know the bus company’s policy on dinosaurs, and you are not sure whether the dinosaur has a legitimate disability or is just not sure where to sit.

3. You think someone is waving at you and wave back, but actually their limbs were just being controlled by a vast alien puppetmaster.

4. You have advertised your fridge as a refuge for stranded penguins on a popular website. There has been great interest. Just as the first penguin family is about to arrive, you remember that your fridge has no ventilation and any penguins who stay in it will suffocate.

5. You pull on a door. It does not open. So you push on the door. That does not work either. In fact it is not a door at all, it is a camel that has eaten a doorknob.

6. You go shopping for camembert and durian fruit. On the way back you accidentally get into a lift with the entire British aristocracy and it gets stuck between floors.

7. There are two doors in a corridor at a door convention and they both hold themselves open for each other. In their rush to get through, they bump into each other and fall over onto the floor. All the following doors fall through them onto the floors below, creating a horrific yawning maw into the depths of the earth.

1. One or the other of you had taken an inconveniently binding vow of chastity.
2. You kissed on the understanding that one of you would turn into something else, but nothing happened.
3. You kissed on the understanding that neither of you would turn into something else, but one of you did.
3. The one time you managed to both exist at the same point in time, you were haunting a weevil, they were personifying an unusual shade of green, and you were both travelling in different temporal directions.
4. You had the kind of love that could have smashed universes, stopped time, lit the sky on fire. Other inhabitants of your universe were perhaps understandably not on board with your relationship and eventually managed to split you up.
5. You realised that you were actually in love with the idea of love itself. The idea of love refused to return your phone calls and floated the idea of a restraining order.
6. You were in love with a teacher, guardian angel, god, anthropomorphic personification or other professional superior, and all concerned felt that a relationship was probably a breach of ethics.
7. You were waiting for them to make the first move. They were waiting for you to make the first move.
8. For some reason having to do with mystical woo stuff, you were unable to fuck without causing some kind of apocalypse.
9. One or both of you were already in a monogamous relationship with someone who was engaged in saving a country, continent, planet or other geographical entity, and whose work would be put in jeopardy by emotional upset.
10. You were a bee. They were a bee. When you tried to bee together you were shut down by the bug police for excessive buzzing.
11. You swore that you would die for them and then you did.
12. You just weren’t that into each other.

7020 Roads, tracks and pathways
 -7020.1 Major routes
    –7020.11 Motorways, freeways and other roads with multiple lanes
       —7020.111 Those upon which one roars towards a spectacular neon horizon, Kraftwerk playing on the stereo, a mote in the bloodstream of an endless city
       —7020.112 Those upon which one sits in grunting, farting traffic for hours
       —7020.113 Those which have suffered an unusual change in use
          —7020.1131 Vast roads mid-demonstration, wild and free and full of dogs and signs and humans
          —7020.1132 Those that are cursed with unexpected roadworks
    –7020.12 Those that go ever on
       —7020.121 Ring roads and other circular routes
          —-7020.1211 Those acting as a prayer wheel of discontent, funnelling all the frustration of the metropolitan area into the centre of the city
          —-7020.1212 Those inhabited by bands of eager adventurers who have not yet discovered that they are going in a circle
       —7020.122 Those roads that go ever on if you have the right passport, visas and a suitable amount of cash, and otherwise end ignominiously at a border point
    –7020.13 Those that are a great parade of multicoloured shipping containers
 -7020.2 By-roads
    –7020.21 That road that goes past your house
    –7020.22 The road that you followed on Google Maps, the one that wonds round the mountains, out past the point that you will ever travel to in real life
    –7020.23 Roads to get lost on
       —7020.231 Those which look obvious and easy to walk down on the map, provided one neglects to take into account the contours, temperature, dubious surrounds or local laws
 -7020.3 Paths and tracks
    –7020.31 Paths that are less taken
       —7020.311 Those featuring No Trespassing, Danger Falling Rocks or These Llamas Will Eat You signs
    –7020.32 Paths that should not be left for any reason, no matter what you see or hear to either side
    –7020.33 Those that you cannot go down until you know their name, which is the answer to a curious riddle
    –7020.34 Those that are clearly a shortcut to where you need to go
 -7020.4 Minor pathways
    –7020.41 Those tiny paths off to the side of the main track, imbued with some peculiar sort of glamour, as if one might go down them and find something magical at the head of a waterfall instead of ending up with one leg in a bees’ nest
    –7020.42 Paths that are maybe paths and maybe not and might in fact exist only due to the human brain’s peculiar genius for making patterns out of geographical noise
    –7020.43 Those that were made by one person wading through the long grass, realising there is no way through, and wading back
 -7020.5 Dubious or mythical pathways
    –7020.51 Those left by dogs or foxes in the woods
    –7020.52 Those left by malign ghosts in the woods, forever leading down to that crack in the tree at the valley’s base
 -7020.6 Those that no longer exist
 -7020.7 Those that will exist some day, but not yet

True love, dust, ceremonial swords, locked boxes, wrappings that shiver in undetectable winds, Christmas trees, spiders, obsolete technologies, nests of cables, murder victims, lecture notes, obscure heirlooms, insect cities, toys that have gone on an adventure, doors into other attics, plutonium, haunted ballgowns, mystery plastic things, fibreglass, stuffed parrots, hatstands, theatrical costumes, stories written in exercise books, suitcases, bare bulbs, crutches, the last breaths of emperors, mummified cakes, cards from distant restaurants, unwanted furniture, aerials, dead clocks, lost bears, glass bottles, silence and birdsong.

1. The Department for Cockups (DfC)
2. The Ministry for Folding Cats (MfFC)
3. The Department of Sitting Around In Chairs Looking Important (DoSAICLI)
4. The Department of Being Sincerely But Ineffectually Concerned about Things (DoBSBICaT)
5. The Department that has Big Impressive Corridors But No-one is Quite Sure What it Does (DthBICBNiQSWiD)
6. The Department for Carefully Gathering all the Scientific Evidence and then Ignoring It (DfCGatSEatII)
7. The Department of Hey Look it’s a Dancing Pony Pay No Attention to What’s Going On Behind You (DoHLiaDPPNAtWGOBY)
8. The Department for Doing Things Tomorrow (DfFTT)

1. Canaries in coal mines. Interestingly, although canaries in coal mines did serve as a warning of a problem in the mine, their presence was often unrelated to the release of carbon monoxide. Miners in the Victorian era often strayed into strata containing so-called ‘bird stones’ - large dark blue or purple slabs with the unfortunate property of slowly transforming the humans who came into contact with them into birds. Therefore the appearance of canaries in coal mines indicated that a bird stone had been uncovered, necessitating the cessation of all operations until the stone had been found and removed. In later years, mines instituted strict daily height checks and feather inspections to catch the problem at an earlier stage.
2. The time when a wren learned of a deadly peril to the King of All Cats. Being a gentle and naive soul, the wren risked its life to inform the King of the danger. Unfortunately, cats have an extreme aversion to anyone else knowing that they do not have everything under control. Although the King of All Cats is largely a ceremonial role, the insinuation their King might have been in trouble was taken as a grave embarrassment to the entire species - the equivalent of being seen to fall off a wall, miss a short jump or get their head stuck in a box. Since this time, cats have taken an especial pleasure in killing and eating birds.
3. The night before the Great Fire of Rome, five eagles appeared in the Circus Maximus; bystanders claimed that they appeared to be having an intense discussion, although other observers claimed that they were fighting. In any case it seems likely that the eagles had travelled backwards through time in the hope of sending some kind of warning to Rome. One theory is that they were the last remaining standards of the Roman Legions from a time when the Empire was well-decayed, brought to life by some rough magic and sent back through the history of Rome to try and avert major disasters in the hope of producing a more favourable historical outcome. Sadly, the eagles were chased off by some civic-minded shopkeepers before they could finish their plan, which seems to have been shitting out a message in inexpert Latin onto the stadium floor.
4. I have also heard tell that the hoopoes of Ashgabat can predict ill-fortune; although, the details of this having been highly classified during the Soviet era, it is difficult and potentially dangerous to try and find out more.
5. That time, shortly to come, when you woke up and the sky was full of birds, streaming from the East, and they came all day; millions of birds, as if the world out there was emptying out. The next morning they were still coming. The last few ragged fringes of the cloud passed over at noon, some of them raining down to land, squawking and dying, across the fields. You tried posting about it, but for some reason nothing would post properly. There was some dead celebrity and a political scandal on the news. Eventually a bored contractor came by in a van and took the dead birds away.

1. Postmodern pentathlon. This largely seated event consists of sub-contests in irony, self-referentiality, deconstruction, moral relativism and beard stroking. Contests are scored individually, with the overall competitor with the greatest overall combined score deemed the winner.
2. Shit put. Competitors in the Shit Put compete to throw a turd against a specified target, then turn round and sprint away in the shortest time. Points are also awarded for style and kick-ass haircuts.
3. Rowing. Unlike the more commonly-known Olympic rowing event, which confusingly still has the same official name, competitors in the alternate Olympic rowing event compete by having a massive argument. Points are awarded for volume, passion and persuasive arguments. Lying and landing blows on your opponent are cause for disqualification, although gesticulation is encouraged. The subject of the argument changes in each round and is set by the committee of judges beforehand.
4. Buy-a-thlon and Try-a-thlon. These two twinned events form the Olympic equivalent of the scavenger hunt. Competitors are only informed what a thlon is on the starting line. The first competitor to figure out how to purchase one and bring it back to the judging panel is deemed the winner. Subsequently the Try-a-thlon measures their ability to work out what the thlon actually does. Interestingly, because the definition of the thlon never changes and is a closely guarded secret, candidates can compete in these events only once and they cannot be televised, hence the sport’s comparatively low profile.
5. Modern High Jump. Perhaps the only sport you can be disqualified from by having a clean drug test. Competitors in the Modern High jump initially get high, then compete in jumping over a series of obstacles in the shortest time with the fewest faults. According to the International Modern High Jump Federation, the current mandated competition drug is marijuana, but there are a number of splinter modern high jump organisations using different intoxicants.
6. Major Hurdles. Unlike standard hurdles, which are up to 107cm in height, major hurdles are typically 480cm or higher. This makes a major hurdle race extremely hard to compete in and to date no medals have ever been awarded.

1. First you will need to choose your book. Although it is possible to get lost in a short book, it is much easier in a long one. Some people find it easier to get lost in a good book, whilst others relish the hypnotic tedium that comes from getting lost in the phone book or a detailed technical manual.
2. Obviously you cannot get lost in your book without going in. To do this, you will need to find the book’s emergency exit door. It is usually around page 32. Try turning the page on the ‘wrong’ side - if it opens, you have found the door.
3. To go in, you will need to get small. When you have got small, pack a bag with supplies for a few days - we recommend energy bars, bottles of water and a warm blanket - and enter the book.
4. You may want to leave your shoes by the way in. Some books are very particular about this.
5. Books differ, but you will generally have a choice of ways to go. Always remember that your primary aim is getting lost. Do not follow any routes that look like they will lead to the end of the book. In particular, you will want to avoid any resolution of plots, the revelation of secrets, deathbeds, the use of objects casually mentioned earlier on, weddings and journeys home.
6. Explore subplots. If you can find a subplot of a subplot, go there. If you can find a story within a story, go there. If you can find a circular plot or paradox, go there. Paradoxes are particularly good places for a picnic.
7. It is easier to get lost by going down than by going up*. If it feels like you might be about to get a good view of the plot, take another route. If the route starts to seem familiar to you - perhaps the first flowerings of a juicy trope - take another route. Some books only offer the option of navigating via familiar routes. You will have to work extra hard at forgetting to get lost in these books.
8. Do not explore too deeply in books that contain infinities, or mathematical texts concerning particularly large numbers, unless your goal is to be lost forever. If your goal is to be lost forever, bear in mind that the sort of book in which you can be lost forever often does not contain much in the way of food or drink. You will need to be resourceful, and perhaps bring a large knife.
9. If it all becomes too much, remember that you can generally find your way out of a book by always turning left.
10. Do not forget to pick up your shoes on the way out. It is very bad manners to leave shoes in a book.

*You should take care not to get stuck in a footnote when using this method, though.

1. Due to inflation, the financial outlay involved in purchasing the Thing will seem ridiculously tiny when you look back on it a few decades hence.
2. That Thing will bring you joy, which surely only the greyest and most solemn bureaucratic ranks would put a monetary value on.
3. That Thing looks a little sad where it is and you could probably give it a better life.
4. You probably will eventually so why not do it now?
5. It’s not every day that a Thing comes up for sale. If you don’t get that Thing now then you may never get the chance again.
6. Just look at that Thing’s little tentacle finger bits, aren’t they adorable?
7. Also by purchasing that Thing you may just be saving the casts of the 1982 and 2011 The Thing movies from a terrible fate.

4975 Fish
 -4975.1 The wet swimmy sort
    –4975.11 Small silvery fish
       —4975.111 Those of which there are plenty more in the sea
       —4975.112 Those that are fish singularities, darting in and out of existence, singing fish songs like no-one else in the ocean
       —4975.113 Those that hide between waterlilies
    –4975.12 Colourful ones
    –4975.13 Big fish
       —4975.131 Those in small ponds
          —4975.1311 Those who were only on holiday in the small pond but whose lift home has unaccountably failed to turn up
       —4975.132 Those who regard the reader as dinner
    –4975.14 Those that will nibble the toes of the living or the dead and do not care which
    –4975.15 Those that are in fact mammals and not fish
       —4975.151 Those who lurk by the shore, flirting with tourists and making extravagant eye-rolls at their ignorance when unobserved
 -4975.2 Those that are dead
    –4975.21 Those that are for dinner
    –4975.22 Those that are the first awful indicators of a Problem with Water
    –4975.23 Those that are haunted bones or haunted sand or haunted oil
 -4975.3 Fish of myth and story
    –4975.31 Those that have swallowed a magic ring
    –4975.32 Those who have eaten some human with a Destiny, and feel inclined to spit them out
    –4975.33 Those having a series of splotches corresponding to the exact location of the treasure, the true name of God, the location of a really great party or some other such useful information
    –4975.34 Those that have been kissed
 -4975.4 Curious and mysterious fish
    –4975.41 Air-breathing fish with two arms and two legs, indistinguishable from humans except for the suspicious way in which they drink
    –4975.42 Those with robotic exoskeletons
       —4975.421 Those that are martyrs to rust
 -4975.5 Fish of art and architecture
 -4975.6 Those that probably only exist in anecdote and metaphor
    –4975.61 Those who need a bicycle
       —4975.611 Those who came fifty-seventh in the Tour de France and are disgusted that the human-centric media refused to take on their story
    –4975.62 Those that are fuel for lazy surrealists

1. On nights when the moon shines through the windows, the books in the horticultural section may rise up on their ribbonlike stems and open up to the moonlight. The energy gained from moonlight powers the growth of new pages, often detailing highly unusual plants. Therefore it is worth your while as a librarian to site the horticultural books near a window with a good view of the sky. The opening of the books is often accompanied by a great swarm of b’s out from the other books in the library to sip at the illustrated nectar. By the morning they will be back in place, just a little fatter and shinier.
2. Gymnastics books like to slip from the shelves in the dark and practice bending and stretching. Often they can be observed (if one has set up a book hide in the library, that is) performing slow flips across the floor and back again. This is why books on gymnastics often have cracked spines.
3. Much of the nature section will be particularly quiet, for fear of waking up the animal books. Animal books hibernate for most of their lives, but can be induced to wake by a dark but noisy environment - for example if the library is situated next to a nightclub or main road. The other books dislike this and will sometimes sing book lullabies in the hope of stopping it happening. The consequence of a mass book waking is usually a vast and savage bookfight between works on predators and works on prey. Sometimes a book on both may even attempt to devour its own interior pages in a frenzy of curiosity. Needless to say this also wakes up the b’s, which will grumpily swarm around and may sting any stray librarians who have the misfortune to still be present.
4. Books for babies often wake up in the night and will sometimes fling themselves off the shelves or spit up pages onto the floor. Those without fluff or mirrored pages can be found poking those with these things. Books for slightly older children, usually shelved in an adjacent section, can sometimes be found jumping back and forth in an effort to rock the baby section back to sleep.
5. Needless to say, many of these happenings involve a fair bit of mess. Look out for those unusually conscientious books who clean up the mess, mend pages and poke the plant books back into their dust covers in the morning. It is difficult to say which books will take on the role of book shepherd - it varies by library - but often large print fiction, young adult novels and works of philosophy can be found helping out.

1. DogMail Pro. Designed both to simulate the experience of having a dog and to encourage extreme responsiveness to email, DogMail Pro accompanies the arrival of an email with a cheery animation of an item of post coming through a letterbox. Unless the user opens the letter, at some randomly-chosen point between one and ten minutes later, a cheery animation of a dog walks past and eats it, at which point the email is irretrievably deleted.
2. ClutterMaster Retro. Designed to replicate the feel of an old-school filing system, ClutterMaster Retro assigns each email coming in to a random folder. Each time you access a folder, the emails in it are randomly shuffled.
3. ButtleMail. An augmented-reality email client. To check for email in ButtleMail, you need to find the virtual-reality set of bells on one of the walls of your house and ring for the butler. A virtual-reality door will open and a butler will emerge (available settings include most major thesps, including Sir Ian McKellen and Brian Blessed). The butler will inform you if there have been any communications from the village and can send a return telegram on your request.
4. Paper pigeon. Paper pigeon prints out all your outgoing emails in an amusingly florid handwriting font and automatically chooses a delivery method for them based on the geolocation of the recipient: paper plane for short-distance emails (folding printer and launcher included) and carrier pigeon for longer-distance ones. The pigeons are all contractors and are paid peanuts. For transatlantic and other oceanic emails Paper pigeon contracts with Frigate Bird International.

1. The giant, indestructible umbrellas of children’s literature, usable as helicopters and boats and sails, always taking you somewhere exciting and absolute proof against gentle rain
2. Umbrellas with holes in as a cunning assassination strategy against foes who are water-soluble
3. Those umbrellas that are actually giant robotic craneflies in disguise, waiting for the windy autumn of their dreams so that they can fold back their wings, stretch their legs and leap from the umbrella stand to bat up against the windows and out of the house
4. Cocktail umbrellas that completely failed to keep your margarita dry in an unsuspecting tropical storm
5. Umbrellas living in the graveyard of lost umbrellas, those which were turned inside-out by the wind and perched on the lip of a damp bin, but have been rescued by something with clacking claws in the dead of night and taken to a creaking, scraping sanctuary somewhere underground
6. Umbrellas against rains of frogs, having on their upper surface a large pool for safe spalshdown and an escape valve for when one is passing a pond
7. Umbrellas for protection against things other than rain, sun, wind or frogs; for example: unwanted acquaintances, embarrassment, bullets or melancholy

1. Millions of tourists visit the Tower of London every year. But did you know that if you wade six steps into the Thames beside the Tower and reach down, you can find the Iron Chain of Spatial Instability which, if pulled, will suck your soul down into an alternative sewer dimension whilst a bored mud monster operates your body like a flesh puppet for the rest of your natural life?

2. Few experiences can match the excitement of arriving in Venice, ready for a wonder-packed few days exploring the canals and back streets of La Serenissima. If you’ve ever wished you could do nothing else but arrive in Venice, believe it or not, you’re in luck. Hidden away behind a snack machine in the Santa Lucia railway station is a time loop which activates every second Thursday in July. Well-informed travellers can spend a thousand years continually arriving in Venice in the space of a few minutes, before their dead-eyed and exhausted husk stumbles to the nearby Trattoria Il Vagone to sample the limoncello of existential despair.

3. Think that the best beaches are accessible only to the super-rich? Think again! By reciting the simple mantra ‘Sator arepo tenet opera rotas’ three hundred times, you too can gain access the Beach of Dessicated Souls, a pristine strand of pale gold sand made from the lightly crumbled souls of all who venture there, gently lapped by a turquoise sea of mermaids’ tears. Don’t worry, your body can go home any time it wants - and it’ll have a great tan, too!

4. One of the latest crazes to sweep the globe is the cat cafe. For a small fee, patrons can spend time with the world’s most adorable felines while nursing a much-needed coffee. If this is your mug of java, why not go back to the source of the craze, in Japan? For those who wish to try a new take on the trend, we recommend Neko ni kuwa in Osaka. The store’s expert baristas will, if asked, gently roll your soul from your body in the form of a small glowing ball, and give it to the cats to play with forever.

5. Do you long for the glitz and glamour of the Golden Age of Hollywood? Well, let us let you in on one of the closest-kept secrets of Tinseltown. There is a reason why stars walk down the red carpet with a spring in their step and a sparkle in their eye, and it’s not what you think - and you can be part of it too! For just two hundred dollars, you can join the magic circle of the Fae of Old Hollywood, giving you the right to attend their fabulous midnight ceremonies in which your soul is wound out from your body on long sticks and hand-woven into the area’s famous red carpets. Let your body go home and do all the dull stuff - your soul could be right there in underneath those famous feet. Go for it!

Date and Time: 05/16/88934, 00:34 GCT
Parcel Status: Shipped by seller from North Cassini floating logistics station using GalacticTrust Shipments ltd. Congratulations on choosing GalacticTrust! No estimated time of delivery for this parcel is available.

Date and Time: 05/16/88934, 16:88 GCT
Parcel status: Parcel in shuttle transit to Titan Orbital Hub.

Date and Time: 05/18/88934, 05:16 GCT
Parcel status: Processed by GalacticTrust at Titan Orbital Hub. Your parcel delivery will be handled by BargainZoom InterCosmic.

Date and Time: 05/19/88934, 07:12 GCT
Parcel status: In transit on BargainZoom InterCosmic intergalactic freighter. Due to the nature of this delivery method, some time dilation may be applicable to estimated delivery times. Please accept our apologies if this affects your parcel.

Date and Time: 12/01/88936, 15:20 GCT
Parcel status: Due to the takeover by AstroParcel Logistics, all BargainZoom parcels in transit will be rerouted to the AstroParcel Processing Centre in orbit around Jupiter. Depending on your parcel routing, some time dilation may be applicable to estimated delivery times. Please accept our apologies if this affects your parcel.

Date and Time: 04/04/88943, 12:08 GCT
Parcel status: Parcel recieved at AstroParcel Logistics Hub. AstroParcel Logistics Hub has been in the Jupiter Tariff Zone since the start of 88940 and it is a legal requirement that all transiting freight pay a fee of 5% of stated value on a delivery year exchange rate basis. Your parcel will be stored at the Logistics Hub until we recieve a fee of $42:50 New US Dollarquid.

Date and Time: 04/07/88943, 01:18 GCT
Parcel status: Sadly we are unable to process your payment due to the ongoing space pirate incursion. We will update your parcel status as more information becomes available.

Date and Time: 04/20/88943, 06:22 GCT
Parcel status: Your parcel has been transferred to Jolly Roger InterCosmic Transit. To ensure prompt delivery and that your parcel is not flushed into the vacuum of space, please send a fee of $400 New US Dollarquid.

Date and Time: 04/23/88943, 22:40 GCT
Parcel status: Thank you for your payment. Your parcel is in transit on the Royal Solar Express to Venus 1.

Date and Time: 01/02/88944, 08:19 GCT
Parcel status: Parcel recieved at Venus 1. Please note that all parcels from the outer Solar System are irradiated on arrival and are subject to a six month quarantine for Borb’s Disease.

Date and Time: 07/05/88944, 08:19 GCT
Parcel status: Parcel released from quarantine and in solar transit to the Lunar Logistics Hub with Cosmia Vision.

Date and Time: 07/31/88944, 08:19 GCT
Parcel status: Due to the temporary closure of the Lunar Logistics Hub following damage sustained during the Fourth Terran War, your parcel has been rerouted to the Titan Orbital Hub. This delivery will be fulfilled by GalacticTrust. Depending on your parcel routing, some time dilation may be applicable to estimated delivery times. Please accept our apologies if this applies to your parcel.

Date and Time: 02/28/88958, 03:40 GCT
Parcel status: Parcel recieved at Titan Orbital Hub and processed by GalacticTrust. Due to the extended projected delivery time, you are legally required to appoint a descendant or other authorized person to recieve the parcel on your behalf. Your parcel will be held at the Titan Orbital Hub until we recieve this information and a processing fee of £8 Titanian Punts.

Date and Time: 03/02/88958, 07:41 GCT
Parcel status: Thank you for your payment. Your parcel is in transit to Antarctica Three Station with Solar Spider Freightliner. Depending on your parcel routing, some time dilation may be applicable to estimated delivery times. Please accept our apologies if this applies to your parcel.

Date and Time: 06/06/89006, 09:18 GCTA
Parcel status: Due to the destruction of Antarctica Three, your parcel has been recieved for processing at Antarctica Four.

Date and Time: 06/06/89006, 18:55 GCT
Parcel status: Delivery error: send address: city no longer exists. Parcel returned to sender.

1. Cats and dogs will lie down together and make adorable litters of puttens and kippys. You will not really care that it is the end times because look at their little faces they are so cute.
2. Radio stations will drop off the air, one by one, calmly and without any great fuss. Eventually, there will only be three stations remaining: two of robotic voices endlessly reciting numbers (one in a language you know, one in a language you do not), and a station filled with small clicking noises a bit like the conversation of cockroaches.
3. Bananas will eat monkeys. Bananas will eat sheep. Bananas will basically eat anything. It’ll be kind of like you brought a bunch of little caterpillars into your house and then they wriggled loose and ate all the food in the cupboards overnight and now they are the size of your arm and a bit intimidating and they’ve shed their old skins and are growing new ones. There’s that one in town that’s the size of a sofa and sometimes you come across its trail of scraped yellow skin down the road and go the other way. Nobody is quite sure if they pupate later on. Nobody will get to find, out, anyway.
4. There will be an odd yellow cast to the air, a little like everything is being filmed in sepia. It will make for amazing selfies. The beautiful people of the day will respond by going to their doom in top hats and waxed moustaches.
5. Coffee will run out before wi-fi. Chocolate will run out before the post stops being delivered. You will still be able to get a phone signal right to the end, but by then the networks will have fused together into a giant electromagnetic squid thing so you’ll have to be OK with tentacles to make a phone call.
6. Fake messiahs will be everywhere. Most of them will be made of plastic, although a few more ambitious ones will be made of metal. Fake messiahs will be used to prop open doors, weigh down the piles of paper of the vast bureaucracy of the end times, and hang coats from. Fake messiahs will serve as plinths for expensive shoe shops. Occasionally you will trip over a fake messiah on the way to the shops and vaguely ponder a lawsuit against the messiah factory.
7. Also there will be the bit where all the humans go; this might be one of the signs of the end times for some other species, like rats or horses.

5505 Cities
 -5505.1 Those that never sleep
    –5505.11 Those cities that never sleep because they have far too much exciting stuff to do
       —5505.111 Cities that are like small dogs, bursting with disorganized excitement, full of twitchy crowds standing round waiting for awesome things to happen
       —5505.112 Cities that will dance in a frenzy of joy until long after the other cities are all laid down
       —5505.113 Cities that are building something in there, though no-one is sure quite what
    –5505.12 Those cities that never sleep because they have awful, intractable insomnia
       —5505.121 Cities that are additionally grumpy, weepy and forgetful
 -5505.2 Those that sleep entirely normally thank you
    –5505.21 Those cities which would in any case rather not discuss their sleep with you, and if you could refrain from prying about other things and just let them be that would be great
    –5505.22 Those that cannot be having with the antics of those other cities and would just rather the trains ran on time
       —5505.222 Those that cannot really be having with anything
    –5505.23 Those whose statistical yearbooks record the exact optimal level of sleep and maximal citizen happiness
    –5505.24 Those who need sleep to grow, who are constantly waking with new limbs and appendages
 -5505.3 Cities that sleep amazingly, expansively, that sleep for years
    –5505.31 Those that cradle their inhabitants in the precise mathematics of perfect days
    –5505.32 Those that radiate false calm, and whose anger is locked away
       —5505.221 Cities that have terrible dreams and that wake up with a dew of night-sweat running down their tallest towers
    –5505.33 Those that are cursed to sleep but always on the verge of waking
    –5505.34 Those that sleep like dormice, cute and curled up between the mountains and the sea
 -5505.4 Cities built on mystery and lies
    –5505.41 Those having as their foundation a large and unpleasant secret, and the corners of the secret are occasionally dug up and tugged upon and then hastily put back, and for the few days following nobody makes eye contact
    –5505.42 Those cities that have not looked in the mirror for some time
       —5505.421 Those that know they are great and old and grand and powerful, so long as they remain unexamined
       —5505.422 Those cities that know they are too nice to be angry
    –5505.42 Those that are built on absurdity and would fall apart if their problems were to be fixed
 -5505.5 Cities that are dead
    –5505.51 Those whose ghosts seethe gently at the modern age from under trees
    –5505.52 Cities caught mid-death like flies in amber, and buried
    –5505.53 Cities that are dead but still walking
 -5505.6 Improper cities
    –5505.61 Those cities having no proper location, that might more properly be called cuckoos, settling down in the nests of other cities to make neighbourhoods oddly familiar from other cities in other places
    –5505.62 Cities of plaster, paste and clockwork, convincing only to a distant eye
       —5505.621 Those that consist only of a dog chasing a bus, endlessly, looped onto a webcam, empty of humanity

Broken bottles; stars; discarded fairy wings, half in and half out of the mud; piles of swords; brass knobs; a shaft of frozen dog piss, collected at source in Antarctica and shipped to your grotto in the freezer compartment of a serious research vessel; the Crown Jewels; the carapace of a shiny green beetle; a pair of glasses at the bottom of a river; toenails painted with glitter polish; traffic jams on a sunny day; the plastic crowns of the invading army of tiny princesses as they step out of the sea onto the land; the sea itself; a red-splotched carp seen between waterlilies; chandeliers; a level 3 trombone fire; nuclear accidents; cloth of gold; a million tiny eyes; the shattered mirrors of failed enchanters; icicles; space blankets; fleets of alien vessels; the glitter glue shelf at your local craft shop; ice castles; bullion.

1. There is a small black door of rough wood that opens into the high-glamour halls of Faerie, the ones where fabulous beings dance all night in their masks and lace and finery, and once a month at midnight it unlocks itself and for an hour the dancers emerge on tiny silver chains. And the trapped ones are all blinking and wide-eyed and wondering where the last ten years went, and the other ones are staring hungrily at passers-by with their big yellow eyes. And after an hour a bell sounds and some great beast inside, slightly too far away to see clearly, starts the winch going to haul the chains back in. The odd thing about the chains is their fragility against the wider world; an untrapped human could melt them away just by breathing on them. But for some reason the wider world has always assumed that what is going on is some kind of goth club, and no-one has investigated further.
2. There is a door that leads to a world almost exactly like this one, except that in some key respects your life there has taken a different path. I do not know exactly what this door looks like, only that one may meet it a few times in a lifetime and that it bears a plate stating its nature and warning of the consequences of entering. Nobody remembers going through the door; your memories, too, switch to the shape of the new world. You have no way of knowing how your life in the other world differs from this one. Some people will always go through the door, and some people have never been, and some people will go only once. I do not know which of those you are.
3. There is a door, a white upvc door but it must be a door into some other world because if you go round the other side it’s a brick wall. And when you open it the world on the other side is oddly indistinct, as if what you are seeing is alien enough that your mind needs more time to make sense of it. People talk of a passageway or maybe an opening. Some say that it is white or that it is rapidly flickering between colours. Common to all accounts is the sense that there is something large on the other side that is moving towards the viewer very rapidly. And then you slam the door, and you spend a little time just breathing, and then you go home and dream about it for a few nights. And maybe, some years later, you talk about it. But by then you have forgotten where the door is or why you opened it in the first place.
4. There is a door to all the other worlds at once, a great area of cracked space like a smashed mirror in more dimensions than you care to count. Although it isn’t a door in the normal sense, it is a thing that offends the eye, and most worlds have tried to cover it up or wall it over. Some say it is the consequence of a great explosion between realities, far away in a world that does not exist in the normal sense any more, the runaway consequence of someone inexpertly tring to make doors. If you find it, I would not recommend going through. The open ways through to each individual world are tiny, far too small to fit a person. Every so often a gust of blood-smelling air emerges as someone passes into the cracks from some other world far off.
5. There is a door that you go through every day, into a world that is almost exactly like the one you were born in. The only difference between the worlds is some fact or other. It varies. Something like: the exact definition of ‘xylophone’, or the way that doctors deal with umbilical cords, or suchlike. It isn’t that you have trouble remembering which is the right version. It’s that some of the time you are living in a world where one version is true, and some of the time you are living in a world where the other version is true.

Dear Mr. Heracles,
                We are pleased to inform you that the operation was successful. We removed from the dog’s (dogs’?) stomach the following items: one golden apple, toothmarks to upper side; piece of wooden club, rather splintered; aconite leaves; a large quantity of snake bones, too many to count; several handfuls of earth and stones; remnants of three dog collars, heavily chewed, bearing identical tags (‘Cerberus, if found please return to Underworld’); several laurel wreaths; some fragments of lion-skin; short length of chain, apparently made of adamant; three or four arrow shafts; a large hairball, appears to be wool from some sort of golden fleece; a belt; some cattle dung; and a rattle. We expect him to make a full recovery. Please note that we are still awaiting our agreed payment of one hundred cattle.

We regret to inform you, however, that we have some concerns about the treatment and training of your dog. It seems apparent that he is not offered much affection or exercise in his day-to-day life. He is rather fond of chasing snakes, which is a problem given that he persists in mistaking his tail for a snake (to be fair, so did we initially!). Additionally he seems to be fond of leg-humping, which I’m sure you will appreciate is also a problem given his size and threatening aspect. We recommend that he is given at least two long walks per day, and ideally that he also has a course of sessions with our in-house pet psychologist. He also needs to be microchipped. As I am sure you are aware, 'Underworld’ is not an adequate address and also appears to be that of a previous owner (we did contact the band Underworld, but they denied all knowledge). If you have not made any progress on these issues by the time of the follow-up appointment, we may sadly be forced to contact the necessary authorities.

Yours sincerely,
Faithful Friend Vets Ltd.

1. Netbasketfootsportsball. A spirited but ultimately rather confusing attempt to merge all the different things that people do with balls together. It is rarely played anymore, but sometimes people accidentally do a few rounds when knocking balls around in a multi-sport environment. If you end up dangling by your foot from some kind of hoop while someone else is fervently apologising for elbowing a ball into your face, you have probably been playing netbasketfootsportball. Interestingly, a recent revival movement has been sparked by the claim that the game’s problems could all be solved by introducing some tennis elements to the mix.
2. Tossing the ball over the fence and then having to go and ask for it back. You may think of it as an idle childhood game, but in fact there is an international ball fence toss league who meet once every five years in Tashkent. The top level game combines elements of physical skill (getting the ball over the expert level fence in the first place) with verbal dexterity (making the argument to get it back from the league’s ferocious selection of professional next door neighbours).
3. Mouseball. The closest thing that mice have to an extreme sport, mouseball is played in the summer with the contents of a single peapod, the game being deemed over when all the peas have been won. Two teams of mice assemble at either end of a garden, while the mouse referee places a pea in the middle. At the referee’s signal, both teams race for the pea and attempt to get it to their end of the garden, frequently biting each other in their energetic attempts to get control. A bonus of five peas is deemed won if the active pea is inserted under the chin of a sleeping cat.
4. Giant ball marbles. Giant ball marbles has similar rules to conventional marbles, except that the balls used must be the largest ball of their kind in the world. Thus one could bring the world’s largest ball of rubber bands to the giant ball marbles arena, for example, and pit it against the world’s largest hairball. Games of giant ball marbles are sadly rare, due to the effort and expense involved in transporting large balls to the main arena, a field in central Kansas.
5. Four-dimensional basketball. You’re never going to be able to play this, but after the aliens land you might occasionally observe a three-dimensional slice through a game being played. The best place to view is in the same plane as the basket sphere of one team or another - see if you can get your alien hosts to put you here or orient the pitch so that you are here naturally. Then you will at least be able to tell how many baskets have been scored. By one team, at least. Make sure your hosts put you back afterwards or you may find yourself perpetually dislocated.
6. Ball. Perhaps the purest ball game, ball consists of placing a single, perfectly round ball in an open space and contemplating it for a while. There is no set game length. Touching the ball after the initial set-down is grounds for immediate sending-off.

1. Being as how we sometimes want to sit on the toilet and look at our phones without flagging up to the world that we have chosen to take something with us that  is not strictly necessary for the task of excretion; or similarly
2. Being as how some of us do menstruating and need stuff to deal with that and may not wish to announce this to the room; and
3. Being as how we may someday be in a contest of riddles deep underground, and the answer to ‘what have I got in my pocket’ is an easy one if we have no pockets, and thus we will end up eaten and there will be no-one to defeat the dragon; and
4. Being as how we sometimes need something to do with our hands when slouching around, and crossing arms or fiddling with things attracts a certain breed of amateur psychologist; and
5. Being as how a lady sometimes needs to have to hand a discreet contraceptive after she has jumped from a helicopter, abseiled down a building, drilled through the back wall of a bank, fought off a few security guards, picked the lock, taken the diamond and hijacked the getaway car, not to mention needing a place to put the diamond; and
6. Being as how one sometimes needs a warm place to put a baby kangaroo whilst one searches for its mother; and
7. Being as how losing a bag is significantly easier than losing a pocket, the latter occurrence requiring one either to get naked, battle something with claws or have really badly-made clothes; and
8. Being as how you can pull pockets inside-out and use them as sock puppets when you are bored:

we, the undersigned, are of the opinion that DRESSES AND SKIRTS SHOULD HAVE POCKETS; and that furthermore TROUSERS FOR THE FEMALE-IDENTIFED SHOULD HAVE POCKETS TOO; and that furthermore these pockets should be actual functional ones that do not spill their contents when you sit, squat or bend; that fake pockets are Satan’s spunkstains and let us not speak of them further; that good pockets are big enough to hold at least two of a wallet, a phone, keys and a handkerchief and that given the fundamental symmetry of human beings it is usually no hardship to put at least two pockets on; and that frankly we do not give a fuck about the fabric draping marginally differently compared to the ability to conveniently carry stuff around in the way that people with penis-enabled trousers take for granted.

1. Castle in the clouds, location variable. Seemed like a good idea at the time but actually you can’t land a plane on it and it’s a bit high up for a helicopter so getting to the shops is a nightmare. Great for things that can fly and who also like damp fog in their rooms in the morning. Non-steerable. Viewings by appointment, we reserve the right to cancel if the property is drifting near an airport or through a thunderstorm at the scheduled time.
2. Castle cursed with a hundred years of sleep by an evil enchantress. Enchantress was not sure where to apply the spell and ended up casting it at the front door and running away, so if you use another door to go in you are fine. Comes with large pile of sleeping delivery professionals in the front hall. By agreement with the Society for Mystical Post, purchasers will need to turn sleepers regularly to prevent pressure sores.
3. Castle on little legs up in the foothills of the Lost Mountains, uninhabited since shortly after its original enchantment when it became sentient. Castle is now ticklish but most problem areas have been identified and fenced off. Purchaser will need to be resistant to digestive juices to use the main hallway. Purchaser will also need to be able to catch the castle, and to trim its toenails.
4. Floating castle on the South Pole of Jupiter. Amazing views. Usually has oxygen. Would suit responsible, radiation-resistant professional who likes amazing views.
5. Castle on the Western borders of Faerie, on the shores of the nether sea. Built by elves. Elves, who may have been a bit more into dancing and singing and draping themselves over furniture than building, got bored half-way through and hired a dodgy wizard to magic the rest up. Hence most of the towers are illusory and in hot weather they flicker and someone will have to undrape themselves and go and bang on the ceiling to get them to come back.
6. Castle accidentally built on tail of hibernating dragon. One initially careless, now exceedingly careful owner. Must sell before Spring.
7. Charming, bijou basement castle-ette. Basically like a full castle but without the above-ground parts. Would suit open-minded torture professionals, minor abominations and aspiring villains. Newly installed bathroom suite. Dogs welcome.  

1145 Tools
 -1145.1 Those for making holes in things
    –1145.11 Pointy sticks
    –1145.12 Drills
       —1145.121 Those capable of drilling through rock and metal and stuff
       —1145.122 Those capable of drilling through wood
       —1145.123 Those capable of drilling through butter and cheese
    –1145.13 Scissors
       —1145.131 The safety scissors that you used to cut a perfect monkey out of some paper and also your shirt, age 9
       —1145.132 Scissors for running with
       —1145.133 The multi-bladed herb-cutting scissors of your nightmares, marching on their ten points to the relentless beat of dreams
    –1145.14 Fingers
 -1145.2 Those for joining things together
    –1145.21 Glue
    –1145.22 Tape
       —1145.221 Duct tape
       —1145.222 Lesser forms of tape
    –1145.23 Accidental use of paint
    –1145.24 Little connecty widget things
    –1145.25 Love and hugs
 -1145.3 Those for breaking stuff
    –1145.31 Big fucking hammers
    –1145.32 Saws and stuff
 -1145.4 Those for stopping things squeaking
    –1145.41 WD-40
    –1145.42 Gags
    –1145.43 Helium-removal tools
 -1145.5 Those for turning things around
    –1145.51 Wrenches
    –1145.52 Screwdrivers
 -1145.6 Those for doing something else but you are not quite sure what
    –1145.61 Those plastic things that are in that box in the garage whose proper and essential use will only come to light after you have thrown them away
       –1145.611 Those that in addition appear to be irreplaceable

1. May you open your nappy bag at a time of great need to find only one nappy, used, several days old, and an empty packet of wipes.
2. May your baby open a portal to the vomit dimension and channel a milky spew larger than their own head through it.
3. May the next sleep regression begin tonight.
4. May there be no one food that everyone will eat.
5. May your toddler sequentially vomit on every clean duvet cover in the house.
6. May all your attempts to concentrate be interrupted by ‘I need a wee!’
7. May the toddler toddle your phone and keys off to a mysterious, inaudible and probably damp destination shortly before you are due to go out for an important appointment.
8. May the important toy go missing in the airport.
9. May they eat library books, draw on the walls, post letters into the bath; may their curiosity be channelled into finding out whether technology bounces.
10. May your child catch some picturesque illness that no childminder will come within ten miles of just as you approach a work deadline.
11. May their shoes be wrong in some subtle way that they lack the language to explain.
12. May the baby learn to climb up slides.
13. May you be so tired that you can no longer count.

1. Flying ant day. Normally falling towards the end of July or start of August, flying ant day is the day when winged ants leave their colonies to start new ones elsewhere. This is by far the best-known insect fiesta and has become significantly commercialised in recent years, with cards, comestibles and souvenir nick-nacks hitting the shops several months in advance. If you want to celebrate flying ant day along with your little insect friends, why not have a picnic with foods ants like? Jam, sugar and sticky sweets are all firm favourites. Interestingly, non-flying ants have been getting in on the airborne action this year by inflating hollowed-out bumblebees with digestive gases and using them as makeshift dirigibles. Keep a look out for bees with a suspicious buzz!

2. Walking fly day. Part of the emerging slow food movement amongst flies, walking fly day is a day when flies take to the ground. Participants pledge to take the  scenic walking route to food items, only flying if in active danger. Consequently, the day before walking fly day is usually a time of frenetic activity amongst flies, as participants attempt to secure and memorise known food locations. Check whether walking fly day is celebrated in your location - presently it is only widely practiced in ares with a significant hipster fly population.

3. Diving wasp day. Usually occurring shortly after flying ant day, diving wasp day is the day wasps compete in diving into sweet, fizzy liquids around the globe. You can help by providing cola, beer or orange juice. Want to know if it’s diving wasp day or not? Check whether there are other wasps hanging around, ready to rate the diving of their audacious comrades!

4. Fucking laser-shooting tarantula day. Interestingly, tarantulas can develop biological lasers in their legs in response to stressful stimuli, or sometimes just when they feel like it. Fortunately, tarantulas are terrible organisers and are habitually late, so no-one has ever managed to successfully co-ordinate fucking laser-shooting tarantula day. 

5. Rising up and destroying all vertebrates cockroach day. Don’t worry, they’ll wait until we’ve been largely incapacitated by some other event, such as an asteroid strike or nuclear war, first.

Those who navigate by the stars, who shit glitter, who look beyond the horizon and practice absurdity in the dead of night; those who come in from a thunderstorm with amazing hair; people who have reflections but the reflection always seems to be doing something a little bit differently; people who make up songs, those who are in love with ideas, those who stalk ideas, those who sleep with ideas and regret it the next morning; people who dance in the rain; those who do small kindnesses to trapped animals, having an airship powered by glamour and starlight, those who were born on Mars and are having a hard time keeping it secret; those who search for hidden rivers and lost basements, those who are able to ride unicorns because of the other reason people can ride unicorns that you don’t know about; those who are powered by the sea, word architects, lovers of elephants, with inky fingers; people who are calm in a crisis; those who have map tattoos across their bodies, who have inhaled the ghosts of ancient Hollywood, who smell of sticky strawberries, who deal with sorrow by singing; those who spin numbers together, who dress that way for ral and do not care; who sleep in a cradle of books; those who have no idea that they are fabulous; and all the others.

1. To take in hand the Fabled Sword of Truth and gird your loins with the Ancient Armour of Smriti the Dragonslayer; thus armed, to boldly step aboard the number 3 bus and take them to the local antique dealers; to get them evaluated for a quick sale in the hope of being able to pay this month’s rent.
2. To place the Ring of Power in the electricity meter, thus reaping a near-infinite but possibly evil supply of household energy.
3. To boldly venture into the cleft down the middle of a split infinitive, find a dilemma and cut off its horns.
4. To climb the rocky ridges of the Northern Mountains, find the golden dragon and slay it; take its hoard of nine thousand fabulous rubies; explain to the golden dragon’s children that it was a necessary act, as they weep acid tears and rend their scales; and represent your fraternity of adventurers in the international dragon court on charges of murder and theft.
5. To retrieve the fabled blade Sandwich-Cleaver from the ruins of the Great Picnic in That Field With The Bull In It.
6. To find somewhere to pee unobtrusively in the Kingdom of the Fairies.
7. To travel forwards through time at the rate of one second per second for the rest of your life.
8. To set sail on your reinforced steamship on a mission to the shopping malls of the seven seas, in search of the fabled Dress With Pockets That Can Be Machine-Washed.
9. To struggle across the Marshes of Despair, fight off eagles in the Red Mountains and stumble half-blindly over the Desert of Bones to get to the oasis wherein lies the Reliquary of the Elbow of Saint Constantine, only to find that there is a road to it from the other direction.

I used to have an elephant,
Her toes were cherry red.
I went out picking cherries but
I picked her out instead.
I said her hiding place was bad
And now she had been busted;
She said it was a better place than
Fridges, cars and custard.

She brought a mighty eletrunk
In which she stuffed her stuff.
My children asked me ‘Are you sure
Our sofa’s big enough?
And tell us, why is she so grey,
So wrinkly beside?
Should she be washed and ironed?’
'Forget it’, I replied.

Then next I thought Her Elephance
Could prove a lesson for
A group of seven blind men
who were waiting at the door.
'I’ve something here for you to feel,
Pray tell me what each finds!’
'That’s nice,’ they said, 'Now, if you please,
Where should we put these blinds?’

One day she went a-wandering
In search of some lost shore.
Two whales in a mini picked
Her up on the M4.
They called me on the Elephone
From somewhere North of Gower.
What was she doing there?’ I asked.
'About 5 miles an hour.’

At last I found the perfect home
For elephants at large;
Some friends of mine became her hosts
(She promised not to charge).
They kept her in their living-room
Behind the sofa-bed.
'Why, thank you!’ said my thoughtful friends.
'Don’t mention it’, I said.

1. The shopping trolley. The shopping trolley was one of the first inventions to spring from the fertile mind of Mr. Benjamin Trolley, a little-known farmhand in rural Australia. Interestingly, the first designs for the shopping trolley were not intended to hold groceries at all; rather, they began as a device for trapping and transporting wombats. This is why modern-day trolleys often still feature what is known as a ‘wombat flap’ - a hinged opening at the back through which animals can enter. A visiting American entrepreneur, Mr. Gregory Cart, recognised the potential in Trolley’s designs and stole a set of early blueprints, bringing what he termed the 'Shopping Cart’ to the market in the United States in 1905. Although Mr. Trolley won a subsequent lawsuit to be recognised as the original inventor, the damage was done. To this day, his invention is referred to by the name of his rival across much of the world.
2. The badge. The history of the badge is tied up with that of the 1835 Cruelty to Animals Act in the UK. During the run-up to this Act, there was some debate both in parliament and amongst the general public as to whether badger-baiting should be included in the list of prohibited acts. A popular movement in support of the badger arose, based around the London area of Holborn. Participants frequently greeted each other with the 'Holborn Snort’, a sound intended to mimic the call of an angry badger, and wore makeshift brooches depicting the black and white insignia of their alliance. Over time, these became known as 'badges’. Following the passing of the Act (successfully including a ban on badger-baiting), the badge was co-opted by other popular movements, eventually achieving its present ubiquity.
3. The sock. Interestingly, the sock was commonly known as the foot-glove until at least 1885. Thus one finds, for example, Shakespeare’s famous quote from Romeo and Juliet, 'O, that I were a glove upon that foot.’ (perhaps one of the earliest occurrences of foot fetishism in English Literature?) The sock owes its change of name to a quartet in the original version of Gilbert and Sullivan’s Princess Ida, in which a group of frightened maidens prepare for battle by competing to remove each other’s socks, eventually culminating in an energetic punch-up, or 'sock-em-up’ in the terminology of the time. The brief, wild popularity of this scene led to the adoption of the word 'sock’ for the foot-glove among London thespians, and subsequently the wider population. The scene itself was presented to Queen Victoria in 1895, who let it be known that she disapproved. It was subsequently cut from later versions of the operetta.
4. The doormat. Doormats were seldom seen in common use until 1770; before this time, people just tracked mud everywhere (a detail often omitted in historical dramas). The original idea for the doormat is believed to have come from one John Frederickson, an English inventor in the service of the King of France at Versailles in 1763. At this time, the fashion for highly-polished mirrored or gold-plated doors was beginning to wane in favour of a more subtle look. Frederickson invented what he termed his 'door-mattifying device’, a scratchy mat which could be rubbed over a polished surface to reduce its shine. The door-mattifying devices, once left beside their respective doors, soon acquired the secondary use we know today. Interestingly, the proper term for a doormat in French is still le chose pour porte-frottement.
5. The mug. Most people believe that the origins of the mug must lie far back in history. Interestingly, this is not the case. The mug as we know it was invented in 1835 by American philanthropist Theodora Mug, as part of her drive to improve global hydration levels. Its rapid adoption the world over is testament to the classic simplicity of the design. Before this date, drinking vessels were commonly known as flagons and were typically of larger size and more complicated construction. Indeed, in the 17th century it was common for women to drink only from their cupped hands, due to the extreme weight of the flagons of the day, which were used as status symbols.

2022 Overlords
-2022.1 Evil ones
–2022.11 Those ruling a kingdom, empire, planet or intergalactic civilization
—2022.111 Those who do little but stalk, glower, dispense arbitrary violence and die
—-2022.1111 Those who additionally do a bit of decadence
—-2022.1112 Those who additionally do soliloquizing and/or plot exposition
—2022.112 Those possessed of mysterious powers
—2022.113 Those who mainly ended up at the helm of a massive, bloodthirsty empire by dumb luck, and are not really sure what to do about it
–2022.12 Those ruling a small archipelago, city or cave system
–2022.13 Those having only a base and an unspecified number of henchbeings
—2022.131 Having a base on an island
—-2022.1311 Island is also a volcano
—-2022.1312 Island is shaped like a skull
—–2022.13121 Island is a world heritage site due to its amazing natural skull-shaped rock formations, gets a lot of adventure tourists
—2022.132 Having a base underwater
—-2022.1321 Widely known in shark conservation circles for extensive private collection, donations to shark welfare and advocacy organisations
—2022.133 Having a base in space
—-2022.1331 Those who make use of an universal docking system and are unusually careless with passwords, allowing any old space traveller to get on board
—-2022.1332 Those who do not
–2022.14 Those possessed merely of an evil overlord sort of mentality
-2022.2 Misunderstood ones
–2022.21 Those who have immeasurably improved the lives of millions of orcs, lifting orc-kind out of lives of brutality and extreme poverty and giving them a sense of self-belief and purpose again, not like you care
–2022.22 Those who have subtle and nuanced reasons for wanting to take over the world
–2022.23 Those who were never really evil overlords at all, but whose story was written by their enemies
-2022.3 Good ones
–2022.31 Those that are materially no different from the evil ones, other than that they have been able to write the history books
–2022.32 Those who overlord only to keep the declining secret base construction industry in business, safeguarding thousands of jobs
-2022.4 Those whose status is uncertain
–2022.41 Those of a capricious or insane nature
–2022.42 Those who may in fact exist only as children’s stories
–2022.43 Those who were possibly eaten five years ago by their own piranhas, but had arranged the direct debits of their empire such that nobody has actually noticed

1. You come home to find a single drop of gravy leaking through your letterbox and your key will not fit
2. Cats come up to you with sorrow in their big green eyes
3. You have had more than one wrong-number phone call from the Vatican basement, from those payphones near the statues, and there is some kind of grinding noise in the background but it is hard to hear over the Spanish-accented clarifications of the woman on the other end
4. You begin to receive vague but apologetic letters with postmarks from the near future
5. The pipes knock at night in something that is almost Morse Code, save for the addition of a mid-length, rattly noise like the coughing of a rat
6. You notice a door that you have never seen before and that is curiously hard to forget
7. A senior librarian comes to your door to absolve you, without asking, of a number of library fines relating to highly unusual books that you have never, to your knowledge, checked out
8. Whenever you turn round there is a blackbird flying away
9. There is a ringing phone in the gutter down the road, and a large man in sunglasses who is trying to pretend that it is not there
10. You cannot remember if you have ever been in a hailstorm, and neither can anyone you ask
11. There was a will from a relative you never really knew about, in a part of the world you’d never heard of, and it bequeathed you a box that cannot be opened and, once opened, cannot be closed

1. Introductory Subaquatic Methodologies. Diving suits and systems; types of octopus, their strengths and weaknesses and propulsive power; how to enter and leave a submarine; the thousand most common passwords; underwater navigation; secret base architecture, underwater version; practical cave diving; elementary shark fighting; psychology of evil; identification and valuation of gold, silver and major jewel families; the bends, identification and treatment; strategies for survival on the open sea; common signs and signals used by maritime rescue agencies.    
2. Introduction to Maritime Studies. Identification and architecture of typical pirate vessels; practical rowboat operation; grappling hooks, theory and practice; history, ethics and practice of stowing away; criminal psychology; introductory knife fighting; free diving; endurance swimming; lighthouse systems, operation and disablement; physics and geology of sea caves; celestial navigation; money laundering for beginners.
3. Practical Espionage 101. High-speed driving techniques (car); high-speed driving techniques (motorbike); acrobatics (elementary); introductory marksmanship; helicopters, operation and escape; abseiling; security patrol methodologies, evasion and disablement; introductory seduction; resistance to torture; knots; acrobatics (advanced); psychology of evil; rocket operation, major types; bomb disposal; acrobatics (bedroom); introductory wordplay.
4. Introduction to Conspiracy Theory. Introductory codebreaking; history of the Knights Templar; theory and critical evaluation of ancient mysteries; pyramid architecture; introductory archaeology; modern cultists, identification and hazard evaluation; ancient Greek; alternative cosmologies; history of art; corridor sprinting.
5. Unorthodox Arts for Beginners. Introduction to alternative hairdressing; the fourth wall: when to break, when not; introductory wordplay; mysterious doors, identification and use; lock picking and introductory burglary; deals with fairies: legal basis, enforcement and technicalities; the hundred most popular riddles; communication with non-verbal intelligences; introductory solution of mazes; theory and practice of the power of wishes and belief in magical worlds; hot-air balloon piloting for beginners; biology and psychology of mystical beings; introductory wistfulness.

1. Problem: Your laptop won’t boot. Your phone won’t boot. Your shoes won’t boot. You ask the people around you, none of them has ever heard the word ‘boot’. You look in a dictionary. It is not there.

Solution: You have entered a parallel timeline. You will need to go back to 1900 and re-install your grandparents*.

2. Problem: Your computer will only turn on when your cat is nearby.

Solution: Interestingly, this is not a virus. Rather, it is a security feature from the future. This problem indicates that your computer will still be around in 2185, probably in a museum of obsolete technology. At this point, the option to retrospectively apply advanced biometric security controls throughout the machine’s lifetime will become available. As a result of some future curator’s caution, your computer has become equipped with a security system which appears to have misidentified your cat’s microchip as the implanted security data it expects from its primary operator. There is no technical fix for this issue at present, but one will become available in 2053. Until then, you will need to ask nicely to borrow your cat’s computer.

3. Problem: It is raining laptops, and you are trapped under a tree in the middle of nowhere, fearful for your life.

Solution: The physical improbability of this situation suggests that you are in fact a computer-generated intelligence living in a simulated world. Your best bet is to get someone on the next level of simulation up to turn you off and on again. Communication methods vary between simulations, but you could try shouting really loudly, prayer or a makeshift tattoo.

*Note that installing grandparents not originally present in 1900 may invalidate your timeline’s warranty.

1. A cat’s miaow includes frequencies below the range of human hearing, in fact sounding quite different to other cats that it does to humans. This is why elephants are normally kept separate from cats in societies where both are common, as the lower frequencies in the miaow often mimic elephant mating calls.

2. Despite their short lives, adult mayflies are obsessive groomers. They twitch and vibrate to rid their bodies of dust several thousand times an hour, an action which can sometimes be heard by bystanders as a low clicking noise.

3. In times of scarcity, lions will enter an unusual type of pseudo-hibernation in which they are lethargic and do not eat or excrete. This means that, in extreme cases, lions can go months without defecating. The first lion turd of the post-famine season is unusually pungent and is highly prized in traditional perfumery.

4. Guinea pigs are not true tailless animals. In fact they are born with a small vestigial tail which is shed at around three weeks old, typically being eaten by the mother guinea pig to restore vital nutrients after the rigours of pregnancy, birth and nursing.

5. The expression ‘the bee’s knees’ comes from the small pollen-collecting pads that bees have behind the knees on their four hind legs. These pads are so efficient at attracting small particles that the air filters on the international space station were designed along similar principles.

6. Deer are so fond of strawberries that Muntjacs have been known to chew through a wire fence in order to reach them. It is thought that the red pigment in strawberries acts on the brain of adult deer similarly to catnip on cats. However, juvenile deer are typically unaffected and scientists have not yet discovered why.

Behold this drooling, snoring cat!
All snuggly sat upon my lap.
This purring, petted bag of fur,
This connoisseur of hug and nap.
Her hoary form is far from svelte,
Her scruffy pelt is wearing thin.
Behold, such domesticity,
Her days of roaming free all done!

And would you call her, on first glance,
A veteran of chance and scrape
As, heedless of my epithets,
She slyly lets a fart escape?
Yet in her time she ruled the sea,
A prodigy of salt and storm!
Who knows how many men she drowned,
This fury bound in feline form?

They say she studied piracy
As by the sea, in kittenhood,
She saw a score of feline foes
Assuage their woes as pirates could;
Her mind was keen, her claws were good;
She thought she could defeat them all;
She sought the pirates in their dens
And fiercely then she yowled this call:

“Join me or die, ye flea-flecked cads!”
And soon she had (from those not dead)
A cat-boat with a cutthroat crew,
As through the realm the rumour spread:
“Beware the queen who rules the waves,
Enslaves the humans whom she meets
And paws them up at 5 a.m.
To summon them to bring her treats!”

And oh, what terrors she dispersed
To all who cursed her years afloat!
The scourge of scurvy sea-swept dogs
Whose epilogues in blood she wrote;
The scourge of sleepy piratekind
Who’d wake to find their treasure gone;
The scourge of undiscovered lands
Whose unspoilt sands she shat upon.

They say she once, when feeling bored,
Made war toward the Mouse-King’s halls,
And all victorious, she stole                      
His underlings for cannonballs -
And how the mouse-king loudly wailed
And quailed before her unsheathed claws
As from the cannon’s mouth his hordes
Were launched towards the tropopause!

And on an archipelago
Where South winds blow all summer-sweet,
She kept a troupe of eager Toms
Who with aplomb her joyous heat
Attended to; and as she lay
All sunlight-splayed and satisfied,
They rolled in catnip on the shore
And swore they’d serve her ‘til they died.

The end? The ship by Blackbeard sunk
As she lay drunk; the boat’s capsize;  
Her fearsome crew all forced to scatter,
Pitter-patter counterwise.
Until, rainswept and woebegone,
She caused some consternation when,
Escaped from Blackbeard’s Oubliette,
She asked to get back in again.

So though for seas to soothe her soul
Her water-bowl must now suffice,
Who knows what recollections strut
Behind her shut and sleeping eyes?
Where seated on a silver throne
On pirate-flesh alone she dines
With blood-red wines, and in her dreams
Are quinqueremes and barquentines.

1. You rub the chicken with butter, garlic, thyme, rosemary and salt and put it in a hot oven for twenty minutes. You turn the oven down and cook the chicken until the juices run clear, adding some pre-boiled potatoes in the meantime. You take the chicken out of the oven and let it stand for twenty minutes, meanwhile turning up the oven to crisp the potatoes. You eat it.
2. The chicken helps peel the potatoes. You boil them, then put them in a hot oven to cook. You sit opposite the chicken at a low table, eating the potatoes with butter, garlic, thyme and rosemary. The chicken shits on its chair.
3. The chicken sits on the countertop, pecking the potatoes and fixing you with a steely eye until you give in. You take the chicken outside to look for worms, forgetting about the potatoes. They subsequently grow into vigorous potato plants, putting out greedy roots into the butter.
4. The chicken summons the ghosts of the potato people and the potatoes stand up and dance. Before you know it, they have you staked down with sharpened rosemary twigs. The chicken and potatoes cook you for forty minutes in a hot oven, then turn down the temperature and continue cooking until the juices run clear. They toast their newfound relationship with cups of butter and garlands of thyme. After letting you stand for some time, they serve you up. The chicken wanders off into the garden to eat worms, but the potatoes eat until their small round bellies are bulging.
5. You, the chicken and the potatoes accidentally get small and end up trapped in a great forest of rosemary. By laying a trail of buttered potatoes, you are able to attract an enormous worm which you ride to freedom. You celebrate your freedom by joining the worm in consuming a single, huge thyme leaf.
6. You, the chicken, the potato people, the herbs and the butter ghost go to a banquet hosted by the King of the Worms, where you eat strictly anonymous food that has never been invested with a personality. The butter ghost is held to have spoiled the occasion by sending back its main course on the grounds that it is too hot.

 -8911.1 Those in familar places
    –8911.11 In your home, but there are extra rooms
    –8911.12 In some educational venue
       —8911.121 In which you are late for an exam
       —8911.122 In which you unaccountably appear to be missing clothes
    –8911.13 Those in which you need to find a toilet, but cannot go when you find one
    –8911.14 Those in which you are entrusted with some solemn responsibility
       —8911.141 In which you mess this responsibility up
       —8911.142 In which for some reason you appear to be evil
    –8911.15 In your place of work, in which you are, unremarkably, doing work
       —8911.151 Set inside a virtual-reality flat which you did not realise was hidden in your simulation code
 -8911.2 Those in locations from song and story
    –8911.21 Those that mix fictional characters with people who you know, and nobody involved thinks that this is odd
 -8911.3 Those in entirely unfamiliar places
    –8911.31 Dreams of vast snowfields, forgotten mountains and the edge of the world
    –8911.32 Those that feature huge buildings built by architecture cut and paste, and there are great sunlit libraries on the upper floors and vast candlelit theatres below
    –8911.33 Those that feature mysterious staircases up or down
 -8911.4 Those that involve flying
    –8911.31 Flying without any extra devices
       —8911.311 Those where you can lift up your legs at the knee and fly over the autumn fields
    –8911.32 Flying in aeroplanes
       —8911.321 Those where large aircraft fly close to the ground without any seeming alarm, darting under bridges with consummate ease
 -8911.5 Those of short duration
    –8911.51 Tiny dreams that fit into tiny sleeps, barely noticeable save for a lingering sense of nonsense
 -8911.6 Those that fold in on themselves
    –8911.61 Dreams that end with a dream of waking up
    –8911.62 Those dreams that involve a realisation that one may be dreaming, and a check thereof
       —8911.621 Dreams that fail the dreaming test but are nevertheless still dreams
 -8911.7 Those that have disappeared
    –8911.71 Dreams which you know you could remember on waking, but can remember no longer
    –8911.72 Dreams which leave you only with a vague waking memory itch

1. The cursed emeralds of La Spezia. The story of the cursed emeralds begins in 1830, with the return of teenaged Bostonian adventurer-poet Hiram Johnson from Italy. Hiram refused to give details of his adventures, let it be widely known that he had suffered some dreadful trauma, and subsequently released a series of increasingly fevered poems about emeralds. Although the actual details were obscured by florid language, this served only to stoke up interest in the hidden treasure and its mysterious curse. Before long, a stream of would-be adventurers were making the trip to Italy. One by one, they returned empty-handed, refusing to say what they had seen. This state of affairs lasted some seventy years, until one Theodora P. Blunderbuss, a writer, decided to make the pilgrimage herself. She followed the coded directions of the poems, which led swiftly to a small house by the seashore, inhabited by an old woman with curiously green eyes. One learning her mission, she gave an extravagant eye-roll and informed her that all the adventurers had been taken in by a series of poems in the ‘why can’t I get laid’ tradition, stemming from the occasion, seventy years distant, when she had turned down Hiram’s propositions and brained him with a frying pan. The emeralds were none other than her eyes, the vast and brazen force protecting them the pan, and the identity of the poem’s damp forbidden caves was pretty obvious when you think about it. Since then, she had run a profitable business selling green glass souvenirs to visiting Americans, and so had been unwilling to reveal the secret until retirement.
2. Feldmann’s Contrary Bezoar. Believed to have been discovered in the stomach of a goat with two heads, Feldmann’s Contrary Bezoar was a dull grey stone with two rumoured properties. First, when turned the right way up, it was said to have the power to cure cancer. Second, when turned upside-down, it was said to have the power to cause cancer. Unfortunately, the difference between the two sides was rather difficult to discern. In fact, the bezoar was distressingly spherical and nobody really felt like finding out what would happen if one turned it on its side. As a result, its supposed curative powers were rarely invoked and it languished in a box in someone’s shed for years after its initial discovery. These days it is rumoured to have been sold on to a group of scientists in the pay of certain scurrilous newspapers, for the purposes of headline generation.
3. The Star of the Southern Ocean. This large star sapphire was originally discovered in 1892 in Queensland and subsequently displayed in the Australian Museum in Sydney for some years. On the night of June 27th 1950, however, it was stolen by notorious jewel thief Gideon 'Fingers’ Blackthorne. The full details of his cunning plan have never been revealed, but we do know that he smuggled the jewel out of the building up his bottom whilst dressed as a member of the cleaning staff. Scarcely had he had time to admire his new possession when a massive police search was launched. Back went the gem, and on went the next disguise. Over the next few months Gideon masqueraded as, respectively, a nun with a sapphire up her bottom; a fortune teller with a sapphire up his bottom; a chef with a sapphire up his bottom; and a well-known opera singer with a sapphire up her bottom. Eventually the search was scaled down. By this time, however, Gideon had discovered that he quite liked having a sapphire up his bottom. He continued to store it there, on and off, for the rest of his life, disclosing its location only in a secret will distributed to his heirs shortly before death and marked 'read BEFORE cremation!!!’. The Star of the Southern Ocean was returned to its rightful owners, who were oddly loath to have it back. It has not yet been returned to public display. There are those who say the stone remains curiously warm, with a mild pungency that cannot quite be erased.
4. The Stone of Ultimate Power. It is a little-known fact that, some years ago, there existed a diamond of exquisite purity, save that it was seeded throughout with atoms of an element hitherto unknown in our paltry human dimension. Besides giving the Stone an eerie green glow, these atoms allowed it to align the vast energies of the Void of Space and Time and channel them into an easily controllable and near-infinite power source. Thus the Stone was possessed of great power for good or for evil. The stage was set for a giant, all-encompassing struggle for the future of mankind. Before this could take place, however, the Stone was purchased by a French lapidiarist, cut into multiple pieces, and set in a matching necklace and earrings. The setting was quite beautiful and commanded a record price at auction; nevertheless, it also completely erased any world-changing properties the gems had once possessed. The remnants of the Stone are believed lost following a bomb blast in WWII Paris, which is probably for the best.

Lumpy shadows, cats that have three eyes and all of them a different colour, great grey stones half-seen through the rain, serpents who have lost their hearts and will take any replacement, old woodlice, naked squirrels with long white fingers, round pebbles that take a single breath a day, orphaned songs, frostbitten swifts, things that sit in hollow logs cracking sticks, blackbirds with one white wing, the spirits of stagnant ponds, bottle imps, the lonely bees of the last light of day, those who have forgotten everything other than carving clocks, toads with a stone in their head, things that are raised from the mud, lantern-bearers, lavender-weavers, ticking whisperers, cold and lonely moles, evaporating ghosts, genial hosts who have taken off their masks, holes that skitter over the faces of trees, the holders of keys, bitter architects, lost horses from centuries past, wrong paths, the white hart turned red, charcoal-singers, stag-headed bonebags, gentlewomen all of sticks, counterwise-shades, those things that are inside-out and have no wish to be, caterwaulers, veiled chalkmen.

1. Extragalactic Gastronomy. The study of food originating beyond the Milky Way.
2. Comparative Cunnilinguistics. The study of similarities and differences between oral sex techniques in different cultures.
3. History of Fart. The study of momentous releases of wind throughout time.
4. Non-Invasive Cardie-ology. The in-depth, but very polite and completely consensual, study of cardigans and the people who wear them.
5. Chemical Whengineering. The science of using chemistry to travel through time and/or determine which time you have ended up in.
6. Metametametaphysics. The study of the study of the study of the fundamental notions by which people understand the world. Metametametaphysicians spend a lot of time in research institutes, looking over people’s shoulders and making copious notes in pencil. Occasionally they get beaten up by irritated Metametaphysicians.
7. Feline String Theory. What is string? Where did it come from? Why is it jumping around like that? Is there a mouse on the end of it? Oh crap, did I just land on my butt and look silly? Quick, lick a paw until they forget about it. What is string? Wait, where did the string go? Why do I need to kick it like this? What is string?
8. Nanotheology. The study of really, really small gods.
9. Bayesian Hatistics. A discipline in which you work to update your hats in the light of new information that has become available, before wearing them on your posterior.

1. The Mascar-Pony. No matter the hour, there is one who listens out for the plaintive calls of those who find themselves in need of a creamy cooking cheese. Hark! What is that noise at the door? Could it be the knocking of a hollow hoof, and the subtle crinkle of a soft package being dropped onto the mat? It may be that we, too, have been touched by her mild and milky presence.
2. The Shit Shower Sheep. When misfortune strikes, pauses a little, then strikes again, possibly with a bit of extra striking on the side and some extra striking just for fun, only then can you be sure that the Shit Shower Sheep has passed over. Few ever set eyes on the Sheep, but the chunky pellets of ill-fortune he scatters behind him have a peculiar pungency that all who have encountered him will recognise for the rest of their lives.
3. The Anxiety Hamster. Furry, warm and nervous, the Anxiety Hamster sits on your shoulder and gently reminds you of that time you were accidentally rude to your next-door neighbour and got too flustered to say sorry and now they hate you and they’ve probably told everyone else they know about it.
4. The Category Cat. Every time you put something into the right place, the Category Cat peers over your shoulder and nods sagely. The Category cat is grey, short-haired and likes to be filed under ‘C’. If you meet it in person, you should be unfailingly polite and if possible provide it with a box that it can be placed in. In return, it may bless you with the power of Being In The Right Place At The Right Time.
5. The Tangle Two-Toed Sloth. As the soft light of day gloops over the horizon, the Sloth hangs motionless, its super-sensitive hearing alert for the little swears floating up from those poor souls who have just discovered the night’s tangles in their hair. A particularly juicy curse stands a good chance of summoning the Sloth itself. You should be wary of doing this, however; although the Sloth will clumsily attempt to get the tangle out with its claws, it usually ends up making the situation worse.