Listing to Port

1. Tradition relates that there is a mountain in the Himalayas that is in fact a particularly large onion. This is difficult to discern from a distance as it is covered with a mixture of dirt and snow. Because of its remote location, it is largely ignored by local government authorities even though they have been aware of it for some time. However, a freak avalanche causing widespread weeping is a scenario that has been covered in disaster preparedness exercises by both China and India.

2. A little-known evolutionary meander followed the asteroid impact which wiped out the dinosaurs. A surviving group of pterosaurs, finding themselves devoid of joy on Earth’s post-apocalyptic surface, determined to backtrack down the phylogenetic tree with the hope of maybe ending up as seaweed. Not being genetic experts, they took a wrong turn in the ammonite region and ended up transforming themselves into aubergines. This is why the original aubergines were the size of pterosaurs. Modern-day aubergines are much smaller.

3. Although (contrary to the story of Cinderella) no large pumpkin has ever been used as a carriage, there did once exist a pumpkin which was used as a hovercraft. Problems seating the fan assembly led to the airflow being provided by an array of flatulent anacondas instead. The arrival of the pumpkin hovercraft was thus perpetually heralded by an unusual smell. Nobody would hire it as transport to their royal balls and as a result no further pumpkin hovercraft were ever made.

4. Interestingly, although the tomato is commonly thought to be a vegetable, it is actually a close relative of the sparrow. It gained its honorary vegetable status after a swap with the city of Cairo, which was briefly changed into an enormous vegetable during the reign of Saladin. Confusion over whether modern Cairo is technically a bird or technically a city has persisted in some of the more traditional dictionaries to this day.

5. The Himalia group of Jupiter’s moons are often considered to be the remnants of the break-up of a larger asteroid. In fact, they have similar orbits because they grew that way. They are our solar system’s only example of space lemons, a type of giant vegetable unusually common in the interstellar void but rather rarer in the vicinity of G-type stars. Space lemons, which root in dark matter and do not require sunlight, are edible and in fact delicious. Some alien species have embedded generation ships in them to take advantage of the abundant food supply.

1. That medium-sized tanker in a fetchingly sensible shade of silver. This is a shipment of very fine dream sand, as you would be able to discern if you could get close enough to read the hazard notice. I would not recommend getting quite that close, because if the tanker were to suffer a spillage everyone within a three-month radius would end up furiously sleeping for at least three months.

2. The small grey truck with a conspicuous ‘speed limiter installed’ sign. This is not actually a truck. It is two elephants on a specially-modified bicycle. You are only seeing it as a truck because that is what you expect a large grey object to be on a road of this size.

3. The large green truck with a stylised smiley face logo on it, heading West. This truck is full of spies. Literally full: they are stacked some seven deep in an ingenious spy stacking system which cannot be patented on account of being top secret. They are conservatively-dressed and have very serious faces, apart from the one at the bottom who is making fart jokes and being ignored.

4. That red shipping container, glimpsed briefly in traffic in the other lane. Contents: a slightly smaller red shipping container, containing a slightly smaller red shipping container, containing another, slightly smaller red shipping container, and so on. The source of so many shipping containers of non-standard dimensions is not obvious. In the smallest container is a miniature safe, locked, key nowhere in sight, emitting a furious buzzing noise.

5. The small orange shipping container, marked with a logo in a language you do not read. This is a shipment of fruit, primarily silver moon apples headed for the perilous realm, where they will form part of the fairy world’s seasonal fruit baskets. If you are offered one of these fruit baskets, do not accept it.

6. A small-size black and white horse carrier, no horse visible inside. This carrier was once used by one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and as a result has become a place of pilgrimage for ghosts. At the moment it is being used to transport the ghosts of Arthur Sullivan and W. S. Gilbert. They have obtained some highly sought-after permits to spend the night haunting a theatre in which Hamilton is being performed, and are making their way there right now.

7. Half a house, as transported on a special truck for the carrying of large things. This is a witch-squashing house, as popularised by the film the Wizard of Oz. These days, they are usually remotely controlled; essentially, they are the drones of the mystical world. This one has been damaged by being dropped from a great height onto a particularly rocky coven. It is being sent for repair in Swindon.

Oh-godparents, agony aunts each specialising in the infliction of agony by different means, nefarious nephews, sinister stepsons lurking beneath missing steps, mothers but you are not sure whose, cousins by the evil dozens, great-great clock grandfathers sitting in the corner and ticking, nautiloid nieces, ex-half-step-siblings, second cousins who once removed always seem to come back again and spin their webs in a different corner each time, blood relations, brothers-in-mystical-but-not-in-human-law, aunts that aren’t, aunts that aren’t always but sometimes are, those who have retained nothing but the concept of zero, those relatives who happen when you go back in time and sleep with your youthful great-grandparent, hundredth cousins who are overjoyed to meet their long-lost relations how ARE you?, sons in glittery red rising only at the apocalypse, patrilateral ortho-whatnots, carbuncular unculars, relations to whom your links are describable only with the secretest algebra.

Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: Never cross Santa. Santa has a long memory, deep and mysterious powers, and is pettily vindictive - witness his treatment of children who fail his behaviour test. He has copious free time in the non-Christmas period to pursue petty grudges. It doesn’t matter in what manner you cross him, you will regret it. Go ahead and cross ducks. If you cross a duck, it might quack at you. If you cross Santa, being shat on by a reindeer from 30000 feet will be the least of your troubles.

Q: What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
A: The police were uninterested in investigating such a minor crime, so he got away with it. As he consumed the remaining chocolates, he felt a deep sense of shame at what his life had come to.

Q. Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?
A. Because they are trees.

Q. What do you call a cat in the desert?
A. Tiddles? Tiddles? Please come here, Tiddles. I didn’t mean to let you out. Oh god, that rattlesnake is not a toy.

Q. What does Santa do with misbehaving elves?
A. He fires them, leaving them without a job just before Christmas, which is the only time of year that elves can reliably get work. Many elves who are fired by Santa have to turn to crime to support their families. Never cross Santa.

Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. Interestingly, this is often where elves who have been fired end up. As soon as the staff go home for the night, they make off with the contents of the store cupboard, safe in the knowledge that the theft will not be discovered until after the holiday season.

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. The turkey lived on the opposite side of the road to a polling station where a referendum on Christmas was being held. Sadly, the turkey’s journey was wasted as only humans were eligible to cast ballots.

Q. How can tell if Santa has been in your shed?
A. Santa is often caught short on his rounds, but the rumour that he visits unlocked sheds to relieve himself is not true. Usually he goes off the side of his sleigh when transiting between populated areas.

Q. What might Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
A. Death.

Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Good King Wenceslas was assassinated in the year 935. If he remains sufficiently functional to like pizza, we can only conclude that he has been raised from the dead for some reason, possibly as part of the zombie apocalypse. Let us not chat about the horrors he consumes upon a thin layer of bread. We need to get to the shelter, and quickly.

Disco lobsters, sea pigs, those eels who can never be arsed, octopuses who have invented a form of advanced mathematics by knotting seaweed and have recently realised that they are now imprisoned in a metric fuckton of knotted seaweed, sea snakes hissing into tiny coral trumpets, submarine parking permit crabs (retired), parrotfish who have recently expired, those fish in the middle of the middle ocean and the centre of the deeps who have never seen nor touched anything hard and are not sure whether the whole idea is a conspiracy or not, those who have just found some eggs, electric eels who have formed a collective power station for some mysterious purpose not at all involving death rays, great stacks of slippy flatfish, those who are pretending to be the reflection of the moon, sleepy icefish, whales who have fallen in love with a voice heard across half an ocean and are even now singing their slow replies, those whose whole world is a wet stone, those who have done a shit on an item of sunken treasure, fish who grew legs but the walk on land was a bit disappointing and certainly not a basis for further exploration, endless schools of giddy yaysquid, sprats who cannot be having with all this bollocks.

6166 Clothes
 -6166.1 Those covering the whole body
    –6166.11 Bear costumes
       —6166.111 Those that are sweated in for charity
       —6166.112 Those that are meant to fool bears
          —6166.1121 Bears are totally fooled, not sniggering at all, no, it’s just a cough, damp out here isn’t it
    –6166.12 Deep-sea diving suits
    –6166.13 Upper-air leaping suits, to be worn by the fish people as they come visiting
    –6166.14 Those worn by sinister science people in films
       —6166.141 To be accessorised by items that beep, little lights that go from side to side, and (this season) stripes
    –6166.15 Those that cover exactly as much of the body as a charity bear costume but which people seem bizarrely more keen to ban
 -6166.2 Those covering the upper bits of the body
    –6166.21 Hats
       —6166.211 Bobble hats
          —6166.2111 Those having a bobble at or larger than the size of the wearer’s head
       —6166.212 Hats (other)
    –6166.22 Balaclavas
    –6166.23 Neck things
       —6166.231 Shakespeare neck things
       —6166.232 Those covering the necks of people who are not amused except they are a bit amused really they just have to keep really still for the photo and not do mouth things
    –6166.24 Torso clothing
       —6166.241 No sleeve
       —6166.242 Some sleeve
       —6166.243 Infinite sleeve
       —6166.244 Non-euclidian sleeve
          —6166.2441 Those into which it is unwise to put a limb you are fond of
          —6166.2442 Those which can maybe be explained away with glove puppets
 -6166.3 Those covering the lower bits of the body
    –6166.31 Bottom flaps
    –6166.32 Modest pantaloons
    –6166.33 Drapery
    –6166.34 Ultra- or mega-drapery
       —6166.341 That which is concealing small animals, humans, tents, settlements etc.
       —6166.342 That which is concealing the wearer having a sneaky outdoors wee
 -6166.4 Those covering small or indistinct areas
 -6166.5 Those covering the left or right side of the body
 -6166.6 Those not really covering anything at all
    –6166.61 Those belonging to the emperor and purchased rather recently
    –6166.61 Those made of space, time, woo, memories, or other charmingly magic-realism clothing material
 -6166.7 Those that act more generally as a barrier between something and something else
    –6166.71 The veil (mystical)
    –6166.72 The human-cosmos barrier method (general)
    –6166.73 Those that are actually a wall or something but are temporarily being used to hide a butt

1. Jonah, 2320. Guests sleep in an airtight capsule swallowed by a genetically modified blue whale. In the morning they are shat out, freshly-showered, into a random part of the Atlantic Ocean.
2. Cloudbase Alpha, 2452. Although marketed as an authentic ‘sleeping in a cloud’ experience, Cloudbase Alpha will attract complaints from those who believe they were sold an uncomfortable room beneath a blimp covered in cotton wool. Subsequently, Cloudbase Alpha will deflate all over Mount Rushmore following an unseasonal storm, causing an international incident.
3. Your House, 2576. Following the Cotton Wool Uprising, there will be an upsurge in people not really wanting to go out, but still wishing to experience nostalgic scenes from their former lives. Your House will cater to this market by promising to provide the hotel experience in people’s own houses, usually by providing a carefully-calculated schedule for alternate householders to do the dishes and lug large bags upstairs.
4. Inspire, 2714. Many people will assume that Inspire is named after its huge central spire structure. In fact, Inspire will be called that because visitors should make sure to take a really, really deep breath before entering. The entire structure is filled with a non-breathable atmosphere. It is just about possible to escape via the lift if you have genetically-modified lungs. Unfortunately all hotel guests in 2414 are required to sign non-disclosure agreements and pay in advance, leaving the disappearance of many of Inspire’s less-altered guests an enduring mystery.
5. Expire, 2900. Inspire’s more-truthful successor, marketed primarily as a place where people who do not need to breathe an atmosphere can go to get away from irritating air-breathers.
6. Well Well Well, 3895. At the heart of the third Dark Age, Well Well Well consists of three wells that fugitives from the Raiders may hide in, at the risk of potentially freezing to death or drowning. It is important to remember that the definition of ‘boutique hotel’ will have shifted somewhat by this age. This is due to the popular stereotype of Resistance fighters staying in boutique hotels in the 3600s.
7. BoutiqueHotel, 4010. By this time, the phrase 'Boutique Hotel’ will have come to mean something more like 'fortified citadel’. This charming extended fort at the North Pole’s asteroid islands will be the world’s premier boutique hotel by this point. Being a no-bullshit type of society, they will call it their word for what it is.
8. Teaketel, 5518. The first fortified space cruiser to set off for the 1SWASP J1407 system, and (primarily due to said fortifications) the first space cruiser to travel significantly beyond the orbit of the moon.
9. Tel-5, 897 YW. This moon is extremely dangerous to land on due to the orbiting debris field related to its position in the ring system of Earth-2, and will thus become a protected refuge for people who are seeking a no-questions-asked life restart.
10. Bertie El-5, 1919 YW. The designation Tel or Teaketel now primarily survives in the surname El, denoting someone who draws descent from one of the many refugees from Earth-2’s radioactive ex-moon, currently spiralling in towards the Star following its summary ejection. Bertie El-5, the flamboyant 95th president of New New Malaysia, will be perhaps the most well-known of this group. Her penchant for travelling around with a selection of space lizards living in her beard will be a system-wide source of delight.  
11. BertelTM, 88 NYW. Named after Bertie El-5, these charming robotic lizards will be the system’s most popular toy for some five hundred years, throughout the rise and fall of the of the New Star Cult.  
12. Eltem, 789 NYW. An adorable dwelling space themed around big-eyed robots (BertelTM having diversified somewhat in the intervening years). People occasionally pay to stay there.

1. Legitimate belly
2. Pregnant with quads
3. Wardrobe-smuggler
4. Loosely-tethered laughter-blimp
5. Snake in a doughnut
6. Sherry bladder about to blow
7. That’s no moon

The holes in the middle of doughnuts, those nothings that are meant to be sweet but have somehow been dunked in the salt instead, potholes, voids (gaping), zeroes painted on the sides of skyscrapers, the stomachs of raided piggybanks, those that are both ventured and gained, the sum total of guilt-free free time reportedly available to parents, voids (howling), those scrappy gangs of zeroes who are holding shoddily-written code to ransom, bank balances that don’t, the vacuum of space, the sum of ideas on how to fix the coffee machine that are easily accessible before the coffee machine has been used, the attendee list of the 2016 global dodo convention, ones that are engaged in self-subtraction, those that are wanted for in paradise, those that can stop the action protagonist of your choice, those that were once just things but decided against it, those that are gleefully impossible, those that have been learned from history.

1. Do you have gonads? Gonads need a lot of room. Show that you have a gender by giving your gonads all the space they need. If they are between your legs or in that general vicinity, try keeping your knees as far apart as possible, particularly if you are in a warm and crowded environment such as a subway train. Better yet, have your knees surgically removed. Then you can keep one knee in Croydon and the other knee in the Lao People’s Democratic Republic, giving your gonads the space they truly need to breathe without being limited by the length of your femurs. If your gonads are more shy, retiring types, give them the respect and space they deserve by encasing your body in a giant inflatable ball. This will also allow you to roll to work.
2. Do you have emotions? Media science shows us that you need to decide between being an emotion-haver or not. Why not try giving up all feelings, including happiness, pride and mild irritation? You could even donate them to your friends who are emotion-havers. If you are an emotion-haver, you need to be having an emotion at all times or you may be asked to give your card back. Servants can be hired at very little cost to provoke anger, disgust or the forehead-slapping emotion at times when you may be in danger of entering feelings-neutrality. Alternatively, there are helpful sites available on the interwebs which fulfil this important function.
3. Wear clothes with pockets. Better still, wear clothes with pockets that have other pockets inside the pockets that they have. You may even to be able to manage a triple pocket layering density by keeping clothes that have pockets inside other pockets inside your most voluminous pockets. This can be useful if you ever grow a large number of supplementary hands and need somewhere to put them.
4. You may wish to wait for a Prince to arrive. I am sorry to announce that you are probably reading this in 2016 or later and the primary incarnation of Prince is dead. If you are still intent on waiting, you may wish to enter hibernation until 2130 when the first of the Prince clone army will be ready. Princes are very important for gender-havers because they promote healthy confusion.
5. Hide your chin by growing a beard. Anyone can do this. If you find it difficult to grow a beard directly on your chin, why not grow one in a pot? Many varieties are available, including Cypressus Leylandii and Buxus Sempervirens. These modern beards are solar-powered and can be worn in a discreet neck sling. Flaunt your gender with your beard by affixing a sign to it which states your gender in big letters.