I wouldn't sail this ship if I were you
1. Problem: Your laptop won’t boot. Your phone won’t boot. Your shoes won’t boot. You ask the people around you, none of them has ever heard the word ‘boot’. You look in a dictionary. It is not there.
Solution: You have entered a parallel timeline. You will need to go back to 1900 and re-install your grandparents*.
2. Problem: Your computer will only turn on when your cat is nearby.
Solution: Interestingly, this is not a virus. Rather, it is a security feature from the future. This problem indicates that your computer will still be around in 2185, probably in a museum of obsolete technology. At this point, the option to retrospectively apply advanced biometric security controls throughout the machine’s lifetime will become available. As a result of some future curator’s caution, your computer has become equipped with a security system which appears to have misidentified your cat’s microchip as the implanted security data it expects from its primary operator. There is no technical fix for this issue at present, but one will become available in 2053. Until then, you will need to ask nicely to borrow your cat’s computer.
3. Problem: It is raining laptops, and you are trapped under a tree in the middle of nowhere, fearful for your life.
Solution: The physical improbability of this situation suggests that you are in fact a computer-generated intelligence living in a simulated world. Your best bet is to get someone on the next level of simulation up to turn you off and on again. Communication methods vary between simulations, but you could try shouting really loudly, prayer or a makeshift tattoo.
*Note that installing grandparents not originally present in 1900 may invalidate your timeline’s warranty.
