I wouldn't sail this ship if I were you
1. May you open your nappy bag at a time of great need to find only one nappy, used, several days old, and an empty packet of wipes.
2. May your baby open a portal to the vomit dimension and channel a milky spew larger than their own head through it.
3. May the next sleep regression begin tonight.
4. May there be no one food that everyone will eat.
5. May your toddler sequentially vomit on every clean duvet cover in the house.
6. May all your attempts to concentrate be interrupted by ‘I need a wee!’
7. May the toddler toddle your phone and keys off to a mysterious, inaudible and probably damp destination shortly before you are due to go out for an important appointment.
8. May the important toy go missing in the airport.
9. May they eat library books, draw on the walls, post letters into the bath; may their curiosity be channelled into finding out whether technology bounces.
10. May your child catch some picturesque illness that no childminder will come within ten miles of just as you approach a work deadline.
11. May their shoes be wrong in some subtle way that they lack the language to explain.
12. May the baby learn to climb up slides.
13. May you be so tired that you can no longer count.
