I wouldn't sail this ship if I were you
1. Millions of tourists visit the Tower of London every year. But did you know that if you wade six steps into the Thames beside the Tower and reach down, you can find the Iron Chain of Spatial Instability which, if pulled, will suck your soul down into an alternative sewer dimension whilst a bored mud monster operates your body like a flesh puppet for the rest of your natural life?
2. Few experiences can match the excitement of arriving in Venice, ready for a wonder-packed few days exploring the canals and back streets of La Serenissima. If you’ve ever wished you could do nothing else but arrive in Venice, believe it or not, you’re in luck. Hidden away behind a snack machine in the Santa Lucia railway station is a time loop which activates every second Thursday in July. Well-informed travellers can spend a thousand years continually arriving in Venice in the space of a few minutes, before their dead-eyed and exhausted husk stumbles to the nearby Trattoria Il Vagone to sample the limoncello of existential despair.
3. Think that the best beaches are accessible only to the super-rich? Think again! By reciting the simple mantra ‘Sator arepo tenet opera rotas’ three hundred times, you too can gain access the Beach of Dessicated Souls, a pristine strand of pale gold sand made from the lightly crumbled souls of all who venture there, gently lapped by a turquoise sea of mermaids’ tears. Don’t worry, your body can go home any time it wants - and it’ll have a great tan, too!
4. One of the latest crazes to sweep the globe is the cat cafe. For a small fee, patrons can spend time with the world’s most adorable felines while nursing a much-needed coffee. If this is your mug of java, why not go back to the source of the craze, in Japan? For those who wish to try a new take on the trend, we recommend Neko ni kuwa in Osaka. The store’s expert baristas will, if asked, gently roll your soul from your body in the form of a small glowing ball, and give it to the cats to play with forever.
5. Do you long for the glitz and glamour of the Golden Age of Hollywood? Well, let us let you in on one of the closest-kept secrets of Tinseltown. There is a reason why stars walk down the red carpet with a spring in their step and a sparkle in their eye, and it’s not what you think - and you can be part of it too! For just two hundred dollars, you can join the magic circle of the Fae of Old Hollywood, giving you the right to attend their fabulous midnight ceremonies in which your soul is wound out from your body on long sticks and hand-woven into the area’s famous red carpets. Let your body go home and do all the dull stuff - your soul could be right there in underneath those famous feet. Go for it!
