I wouldn't sail this ship if I were you
1. I vow to track you down, wherever you may be in the world; to come for you, bags packed, all my affairs in order; to stride up to you as you eat outside at some cafe and cheerily greet you by the name that you had then; and then to saunter off home, leaving you to make the brew of uncertainty and confusion for yourself.
2. I vow to sneak into your porch at night and install a little hook in all your boots that makes your sock gradually wriggle down your foot and bunch up at the toe end when you walk.
3. I vow to vote for someone you dislike; if they achieve power and go on to make my life hell, I vow to add that to my list of your misdeeds.
4. I vow to always be at the supermarket ten minutes before you, emptying their shelves of your favourite condiments.
5. I vow to enter an ascetic life of training, meditation and mentorship by the world’s foremost practitioners of violence for a full ten years, until I am widely known as one of the world’s baddest motherfuckers; after which point I will probably have forgotten about my old grievances and will get a TV show about being good at violence or something.
6. I vow to eat arsenic and piss on your compost heap.
7. I vow to auction my soul in the perilous realms in apprenticeship to something old and terrible; to spend a thousand years in a day growing there like lichen; to be unspeakable, to be the outrage and the glory of faerie; to ascend to highest of glamours therein; so that one day I may captain the Wild Hunt past your door and doom you too.
8. I vow to put a thinly fictionalised account of you into all of my novels and email you links to all the fanfiction that bubbles up about them.
9. I vow to leave a single small piece of lego on your carpet each night; always in a different place but vaguely on the way from your bed to the toilet.
10. I vow to become so fabulous, to soar so high into the stratosphere of Planet Amazing, that you will look up from the fertile mud of your grubby little tectonic plate and long to be part of it; but you will never be able to.
