I wouldn't sail this ship if I were you
1. This year, fewer than 1.7 million people were snatched from the planet’s beaches by batrachian squidbeasts and launched defencelessly into the horrific void of space. Last year, fewer than 2 million people suffered this fate, so I think we can all agree that we are travelling in the right direction.
2. Humans still mostly have noses, for now.
3. Those giant space whales who are aiming a giant meteor at Earth have been routing through alcohol nebulae all the way since Sagittarius B2. They are so drunk they will almost certainly miss.
4. Science has shown that people who are being eaten by velociraptors find the whole experience 32% less distressing if they are in a thankful frame of mind.
5. You are still alive at the moment, unless you aren’t, in which case no worries, 2017 is shaping up to be an awesome year for the undead.
