Listing to Port

I wouldn't sail this ship if I were you

Five noir problems

1. When the night has a thousand eyes but it still refuses to help you find your keys even though it can almost certainly see them somewhere.
2. When you fall into the trench from which trenchcoats are mined and although your fall is somewhat cushioned it’s been a bumper year at the trenchcoat refinery so it’s going to take you a while to climb out again and meanwhile someone is doing crime somewhere.  
3. When there has been an unfortunate mix-up between dames (female) and dames (pantomime) and as a result some slapstick comedy memes have started following you around with a tuba and it’s become nearly impossible to sneak a moody smoke on a street corner.
4. When you are trying to escape a sketchy, shady past, which is a problem because past you has a time machine and keeps on pinning up sketches and occasionally erecting sunshades around your dive bar habitat.
5. When you attempt to make the streets of this dirty old town less mean by stripping them of all meaning, leaving residents of the town confused as to why there are senselessly flat paved areas all over the place.

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