Listing to Port

1. The penguin. You show your interest in someone by bringing them tokens of affection, such as pebbles. You expect your lover to fashion these tokens of affection into a rudimentary nest and lay eggs in it. There are never any eggs. Your love life is perpetually disappointing.
2. The bonobo. You show your interest in someone by having sex with them. This is also how you express excitement, boredom or an interest in reconciliation. As you get to know someone better, you express your continued affection for them by continuing to have sex with them. Truly special partners may get priority spots in your busy sexing schedule.
3. The fish. You show your interest by following someone around, waiting for them to leave some eggs behind. Why are there never any eggs? You spend a lot of time drinking and commiserating with penguins. Actually, you spend a lot of time drinking in general. Occasionally, you are arrested for wanking over discarded shopping trolleys.
4. The panda. You dislike embarking on relationships without an extreme level of logistical support, including a team of scientists devoted to monitoring your hormone levels and full documentation of each introduction to a potential partner. If these conditions are fulfilled, you show affection by tolerating your potential partner and not eviscerating anyone with your giant claws.
5. The cat. You show your interest in someone by pointedly ignoring them, unless they have food. As you get to know and trust someone you will slowly progress to a more sociable, casual level of ignoring them. When you are truly comfortable in someone’s presence you will sit on their sofa and lick your anus, occasionally fixing them with a sharp stare.

1. The Mascar-Pony. No matter the hour, there is one who listens out for the plaintive calls of those who find themselves in need of a creamy cooking cheese. Hark! What is that noise at the door? Could it be the knocking of a hollow hoof, and the subtle crinkle of a soft package being dropped onto the mat? It may be that we, too, have been touched by her mild and milky presence.
2. The Shit Shower Sheep. When misfortune strikes, pauses a little, then strikes again, possibly with a bit of extra striking on the side and some extra striking just for fun, only then can you be sure that the Shit Shower Sheep has passed over. Few ever set eyes on the Sheep, but the chunky pellets of ill-fortune he scatters behind him have a peculiar pungency that all who have encountered him will recognise for the rest of their lives.
3. The Anxiety Hamster. Furry, warm and nervous, the Anxiety Hamster sits on your shoulder and gently reminds you of that time you were accidentally rude to your next-door neighbour and got too flustered to say sorry and now they hate you and they’ve probably told everyone else they know about it.
4. The Category Cat. Every time you put something into the right place, the Category Cat peers over your shoulder and nods sagely. The Category cat is grey, short-haired and likes to be filed under ‘C’. If you meet it in person, you should be unfailingly polite and if possible provide it with a box that it can be placed in. In return, it may bless you with the power of Being In The Right Place At The Right Time.
5. The Tangle Two-Toed Sloth. As the soft light of day gloops over the horizon, the Sloth hangs motionless, its super-sensitive hearing alert for the little swears floating up from those poor souls who have just discovered the night’s tangles in their hair. A particularly juicy curse stands a good chance of summoning the Sloth itself. You should be wary of doing this, however; although the Sloth will clumsily attempt to get the tangle out with its claws, it usually ends up making the situation worse.

1. Norton vs. Happy Stay Hotels, 2013. Concerning a) the rights of bedbugs to book hotel rooms in the State of New York, and b) the right of remain of any children resulting from undiscovered eggs left in the hotel room. The court found for Norton in regard to room booking, but dismissed the right of remain issue.
2. Mr. Tiddles vs. Jasper, 1965. Concerning the party responsible for paying for Mr. Tiddles’ reconstructive surgery following extensive injuries sustained as a result of running into various kitchen objects wielded by mice in his home. The court ruled that, as he was trying to catch and eat the mice at the time, their actions could legitimately be ruled self-defence.
3. Ursula vs. the State of Connecticut, 1987. Concerning the employment rights of bears who hibernate for some or all of the winter. The court ruled that hibernation rights should fall under illness and disability law.
4. Eudryas Grata vs. Lighting Warehouse, 2009. Concerning the rights of moths who wish to throw themselves against light bulbs, and to whom any clean-up costs accrue. The court ruled, after a persuasive speech from the Moth Nation, that Moth light bulb rituals are a legitimate act of religion and that in general moths of sound mind who fly at light bulbs should have the right to do so.