Listing to Port

The bibbler, the nobbler, the snorkel worm, stings-through-clothes, decipedes, the dog-eating botherer, the swarm of eeeeeeees, the lob-legged scuttling insectface, the glittery pink fritillary, the buzzer in the night, the glory bee, Beelzebub the Unswattable Menace, the earworm, the rubber arachnid, the cheese scorpion, the clacker in the broomstick crack, those whose lifecycles you wish you didn’t know about, the bug, the mite, the mite not, the dildo fly, the macho sting bug, the flitting colours of the world’s fat middle, the weevil of perpetual discontent, the things under the stones, the leg-nibblers, the joyful little friends to all humanity, Throckmorton’s tongue snail, the oh god what is that, the seventeenth ant in line, the very good tick, the bungee spider, the bug-eyed flapper, the leg-haver, those insects that you will miss when you are gone, those who get in and cannot get out again, the moth of the drum, the clockwork bee, the peafeaster, the smaller flea ad infinitum.

1. Flying ant day. Normally falling towards the end of July or start of August, flying ant day is the day when winged ants leave their colonies to start new ones elsewhere. This is by far the best-known insect fiesta and has become significantly commercialised in recent years, with cards, comestibles and souvenir nick-nacks hitting the shops several months in advance. If you want to celebrate flying ant day along with your little insect friends, why not have a picnic with foods ants like? Jam, sugar and sticky sweets are all firm favourites. Interestingly, non-flying ants have been getting in on the airborne action this year by inflating hollowed-out bumblebees with digestive gases and using them as makeshift dirigibles. Keep a look out for bees with a suspicious buzz!

2. Walking fly day. Part of the emerging slow food movement amongst flies, walking fly day is a day when flies take to the ground. Participants pledge to take the  scenic walking route to food items, only flying if in active danger. Consequently, the day before walking fly day is usually a time of frenetic activity amongst flies, as participants attempt to secure and memorise known food locations. Check whether walking fly day is celebrated in your location - presently it is only widely practiced in ares with a significant hipster fly population.

3. Diving wasp day. Usually occurring shortly after flying ant day, diving wasp day is the day wasps compete in diving into sweet, fizzy liquids around the globe. You can help by providing cola, beer or orange juice. Want to know if it’s diving wasp day or not? Check whether there are other wasps hanging around, ready to rate the diving of their audacious comrades!

4. Fucking laser-shooting tarantula day. Interestingly, tarantulas can develop biological lasers in their legs in response to stressful stimuli, or sometimes just when they feel like it. Fortunately, tarantulas are terrible organisers and are habitually late, so no-one has ever managed to successfully co-ordinate fucking laser-shooting tarantula day. 

5. Rising up and destroying all vertebrates cockroach day. Don’t worry, they’ll wait until we’ve been largely incapacitated by some other event, such as an asteroid strike or nuclear war, first.