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Posts tagged balance

Some guidelines for fair and balanced media coverage

1. Number boffins have shown that over 90% of interview time is devoted to the front of interviewees’ heads. You can improve your coverage by allocating 50% of interview time to the back of their heads instead.
2. Always strive to give a voice to the voiceless, a name to the nameless and a bottom to the bottomless. In the specific case of bottoms, always make sure to provide both buttocks equally. Otherwise the formerly-bottomless may end up leaning too far to the left or right when they sit.
3. Increase balance by carrying out all panel interviews on a large square board which is precariously balanced on a central column above a pit full of wet sharks. Mark one side of the board with gradations from authoritarian to libertarian, and the other with gradations from economic hard-left to economic hard-right. Interviewees must stand on the position on the board corresponding to their political views. Unbalanced panels will be literally eaten alive, although you may run the risk of ending up with a large number of newly-converted centrists who are hugging each other and crying.
4. Why not increase coverage across the veracity spectrum by having one interviewee who always lies and one who always tells the truth? You may ask one question. This will allow more time for advertising.
5. Never forget to devote equal screen time to the existential horror point of view, perhaps by getting a representative from the void to come on screen and howl for a few minutes.

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