Listing to Port

1. Do you have gonads? Gonads need a lot of room. Show that you have a gender by giving your gonads all the space they need. If they are between your legs or in that general vicinity, try keeping your knees as far apart as possible, particularly if you are in a warm and crowded environment such as a subway train. Better yet, have your knees surgically removed. Then you can keep one knee in Croydon and the other knee in the Lao People’s Democratic Republic, giving your gonads the space they truly need to breathe without being limited by the length of your femurs. If your gonads are more shy, retiring types, give them the respect and space they deserve by encasing your body in a giant inflatable ball. This will also allow you to roll to work.
2. Do you have emotions? Media science shows us that you need to decide between being an emotion-haver or not. Why not try giving up all feelings, including happiness, pride and mild irritation? You could even donate them to your friends who are emotion-havers. If you are an emotion-haver, you need to be having an emotion at all times or you may be asked to give your card back. Servants can be hired at very little cost to provoke anger, disgust or the forehead-slapping emotion at times when you may be in danger of entering feelings-neutrality. Alternatively, there are helpful sites available on the interwebs which fulfil this important function.
3. Wear clothes with pockets. Better still, wear clothes with pockets that have other pockets inside the pockets that they have. You may even to be able to manage a triple pocket layering density by keeping clothes that have pockets inside other pockets inside your most voluminous pockets. This can be useful if you ever grow a large number of supplementary hands and need somewhere to put them.
4. You may wish to wait for a Prince to arrive. I am sorry to announce that you are probably reading this in 2016 or later and the primary incarnation of Prince is dead. If you are still intent on waiting, you may wish to enter hibernation until 2130 when the first of the Prince clone army will be ready. Princes are very important for gender-havers because they promote healthy confusion.
5. Hide your chin by growing a beard. Anyone can do this. If you find it difficult to grow a beard directly on your chin, why not grow one in a pot? Many varieties are available, including Cypressus Leylandii and Buxus Sempervirens. These modern beards are solar-powered and can be worn in a discreet neck sling. Flaunt your gender with your beard by affixing a sign to it which states your gender in big letters.

1. Seretse’s chameleon. Have you ever seen a Seretse’s chameleon? No? Research shows that at least 78.3% of rooms in non-Arctic regions harbour at least one. Unlike normal chameleons, Seretse’s chemeleon can change shape and texture as well as colour to resemble nearby objects. If you have ever found a small object to be oddly non-functional at one use but fully operational later on, you may have been using a Seretse’s chameleon. They are also commonly implicated in situations where objects are confusingly not where you left them last.
2. Mrs. Ursula Flores, an Ecuadorean spy who started out as a double agent, rapidly became a triple agent and subsequently became an multiple agent of such a high degree that a new diplomo-mathematical notation had to be invented to describe her. Mrs. Flores once spent fifteen months as a hatstand in the pursuit of a particularly sensitive piece of information. One of her signature moves is to disguise herself as a disguise, enabling her to spy on other spies with impunity. For example, she can do an extremely convincing imitation of a large overcoat. Her collection of fake beards with microphones in is particularly admired by those who like that sort of thing.
3. Captain Beard. Captain Beard, who is emphatically one of those people who likes that sort of thing, is said to have studied under Mrs. Flores during her days as a chandelier in the Dominican Republic. He is said to be the first to have applied the diguisory arts to piracy, primarily by costuming himself as articles of treasure and then counter-robbing those who come to loot him. Captain beard can sometimes be distinguished by his bread. Do not loot treasure that has a beard. It will not end well.
4. The Bananas. The Bananas (not to be confused with bananas) are an alien race who have chosen to use the closest available Earth-vocalisation to their own name for themselves as their name on this planet. They are approximately 5 millimetres tall and usually travel in saucer-type ships approximately resembling pizza bases. After an initial Earth reconnaissance period, they decided to use this resemblance to aid them in infiltrating the planet’s cities. Banana ships are therefore frequently topped with cheese and pepperoni and sent to collect information from restaurant patrons. If you have ever had trouble ordering a pizza from a pizza delivery emporium, it may be that you unwittingly discovered a secret Banana base. Interestingly, Banana ships are cloaked on the underside so that humans looking up cannot see them passing overhead. However, it is sometimes possible to view what appear to be flying pizzas from above making their way between assignments if you are viewing a city from a tall building or an aeroplane.
5. Professor Grace Wu. Professor Wu is an expert in psychology whose research on human attention led to her devising a novel methodology for winning at hide and seek. Instead of hiding herself, Professor Wu arranges objects and people in her general vicinity such that something else nearby is always more noticeable. After more than three hundred straight wins in the World Hide and Seek League, Professor Wu was fired from her academic job for frivolity. In retaliation, she hid her entire university, leading to a 25% drop in admissions. Professor Wu has not been found since 1985, but is probably somewhere.
6. The hermit turtle. The world’s smallest turtle species, the hermit turtle does not have its own shell but instead uses everyday objects as shells and hiding places. It is most notable for hollowing out the insides of chocolates and hiding inside them. However, it finds the insides of chocolate boxes boring and usually wanders off before it finds itself in danger of being eaten. This is why the chocolates keep disappearing.