Listing to Port

1. Canaries in coal mines. Interestingly, although canaries in coal mines did serve as a warning of a problem in the mine, their presence was often unrelated to the release of carbon monoxide. Miners in the Victorian era often strayed into strata containing so-called ‘bird stones’ - large dark blue or purple slabs with the unfortunate property of slowly transforming the humans who came into contact with them into birds. Therefore the appearance of canaries in coal mines indicated that a bird stone had been uncovered, necessitating the cessation of all operations until the stone had been found and removed. In later years, mines instituted strict daily height checks and feather inspections to catch the problem at an earlier stage.
2. The time when a wren learned of a deadly peril to the King of All Cats. Being a gentle and naive soul, the wren risked its life to inform the King of the danger. Unfortunately, cats have an extreme aversion to anyone else knowing that they do not have everything under control. Although the King of All Cats is largely a ceremonial role, the insinuation their King might have been in trouble was taken as a grave embarrassment to the entire species - the equivalent of being seen to fall off a wall, miss a short jump or get their head stuck in a box. Since this time, cats have taken an especial pleasure in killing and eating birds.
3. The night before the Great Fire of Rome, five eagles appeared in the Circus Maximus; bystanders claimed that they appeared to be having an intense discussion, although other observers claimed that they were fighting. In any case it seems likely that the eagles had travelled backwards through time in the hope of sending some kind of warning to Rome. One theory is that they were the last remaining standards of the Roman Legions from a time when the Empire was well-decayed, brought to life by some rough magic and sent back through the history of Rome to try and avert major disasters in the hope of producing a more favourable historical outcome. Sadly, the eagles were chased off by some civic-minded shopkeepers before they could finish their plan, which seems to have been shitting out a message in inexpert Latin onto the stadium floor.
4. I have also heard tell that the hoopoes of Ashgabat can predict ill-fortune; although, the details of this having been highly classified during the Soviet era, it is difficult and potentially dangerous to try and find out more.
5. That time, shortly to come, when you woke up and the sky was full of birds, streaming from the East, and they came all day; millions of birds, as if the world out there was emptying out. The next morning they were still coming. The last few ragged fringes of the cloud passed over at noon, some of them raining down to land, squawking and dying, across the fields. You tried posting about it, but for some reason nothing would post properly. There was some dead celebrity and a political scandal on the news. Eventually a bored contractor came by in a van and took the dead birds away.

Robins (European), ravens, grunkle-throated squonkbirds, things that live in old tree trunks, big suspicious looking-birds with wobbly beaks, robins (American), magpies in groups of more than seven, hooded crows, birds that are a little bit dinosaur-like, those whose joy on finding a worm is self-evident, hoopoes, birds that have come late to the dawn chorus and don’t know the tune so they’re just sitting there going LA LA LA on a single note and hoping nobody notices, tiny fluffy birds, birds that get indoors and don’t want to be, wet birds, brass-throated flappers, birds that you can hear and not see, great tits, precision-shitting pigeons, birds that follow you in parks looking at your lunch and tutting, burds, birds that are at the back of the bird book and might be in fancy dress, robins (Martian), birds fighting over the roofs of the city in a storm, small polite birds who leave a notice of regret after shitting on your car that you will never read because it’s in the language of the birds, goldfinches.

1. The Western Thnorbilla. A bird of highly distinctive appearance that has developed a symbiotic relationship with humans. The Western Thnorbilla is covered with stiff, spiky white feathers that resemble spines - indeed, bird experts have speculated that further evolution in that general direction would lead to a kind of bird-porcupine thing. When in camouflage mode, the Thnorbilla extends and locks together its long legs so that they resemble a handle, the whole bird thereby somewhat resembling a toilet brush. The Thnorbilla then infiltrates a human house. If it finds a toilet brush of suitable design, it drags it to a local bin and tosses it. Then it occupies the vacant brush holder, drinking from the toilet and venturing into the kitchen at night to raid the fridge. As most Thnorbilla hosts are unaware of their visitors, it is difficult to get an estimate of population. However, recent high-resolution footage of the bird’s brush-chucking antics is thought to have been obtained and is scheduled for a future BBC bird documentary with David Attenborough. Scientists thereby hope that more people may be inspired to check for Thnorbillas so a proper census of this unusual species can be obtained.

2. The Giant Splapbird. This bird, thought to be one of the largest that has ever lived, is surprisingly hard to spot. The Giant Splapbird roosts on tiled roofs, where it has evolved a sophisticated camouflage; each feather resembles a roof tile, and its large round beak can be easily mistaken for a chimney pot. Provided it chooses the right roofs, and provided people rarely look up, the Giant Splapbird can evade detection for a lifetime. We are unsure what it eats and do not wish to find out.

3. Cadden’s Warbler. Can you hear a noise, right now, that sounds a little like a dripping tap? Just on the edge of hearing? Are you sure? Listen really carefully. You think that might be it? Annoying, isn’t it. That’s the Cadden’s Warbler. You probably have two to three hundred living in the pipes and drains of your house and they will. not. shut. up. Should you be unfortunate enough to have an infestation so severe that you actually start to see them flying around, you may note that they are small grey birds about the size of bees. Due to their habitat, they are continually a bit damp and dirty and you may want to discourage them from perching on things. A really dense swarm of Cadden’s Warblers looks a bit like the sort of static that one used to see on old-timey televisions and might be a good reason to leave the country.