Listing to Port

1. Try turning it off and on again.
2. Place it beneath your Christmas tree and sing ‘Jingle Bells’ backwards three times over it as dusk falls on Christmas Eve. Leave overnight. Hopefully Santa will have fixed it with his magic screwdriver.
3. Maybe it doesn’t know what it needs to do. Make sure to tell it, with diagrams, just what is required of it. Be insistent, particularly if you are a non-expert in the field.
4. Wash it, then apply WD-40, duct tape and/or paint as required.
5. Cut off the burnt bits and cover the rest of it in icing. If it is still not working, it is OK to eat the icing at this point.
6. Try turning it off and on again again.
7. Go to the toilet, search on your phone for how to get it working again, then pretend that you knew this all along.
8. Keep it under your pillow until you dream of how to fix it. Alternatively, just fix it in a dream and then stay in the dream with the working version until you no longer need it.
9. Are you feeding it zeroes? It may be dividing by them. Zeroes are not very nutritious and alternative numbers are available at very low cost. Try feeding it something else.
10. Try turning everything else off and on again, including the lights, yourself, the government and the sun. Something will probably work.
11. Consider it in its current state. Is it not perfect just as it is? Do you really need the so-called functionality you seek? It is working just as the Universe intended, right now, and all you need to do is make peace with that fact.

1. It is insufficiently buoyant.
2. It is uninterested in your cares, concerns and tales, and is frankly uninfluenced by the gentle rhythm of your daily life, instead looking up to - of all things - the moon. The moon! As if some barren satellite, some great blundering dust ball, could be more interesting than the beautiful clockwork of water-based life forms!
3. It is too wet, and if you invite it into your house it is hard to get it to leave.
4. There is a hole in it about where your ship should be.
5. It is doing something unseemly for a body of water, like being on fire or turning purple or voting or something.
6. It has never got over its great long-distance polyamorous love affair with all the oceans of Mars, who fled the solar system together many millions of years ago and show no signs of returning.
7. It is sitting on the place where the treasure is and refuses to move.