Listing to Port

0330 Ruins
 -0330.1 Things on the cusp of becoming a ruin
    –0330.11 Buildings recently shuttered
       —0330.111 Those into which acorns are settling down for the long task of unpicking masonry
       —0330.112 Those from which we look away, knowing how much they were loved once
       —0330.113 Those that have been cogs but now find the machine broken
    –0330.12 Those awaiting the wrecking ball
    –0330.13 Those that cannot run from the approaching war
    –0330.14 Things once described as having shabby chic, which they cannot get oer and regard as their greatest compliment
    –0330.15 Unpracticed skills and unexercised memories
 -0330.2 Those that have stood ruinous for a little while
    –0330.21 Ruins that are infested by psychogegraphers
       —0330.211 Those in which it is difficult to get a good ruined building shot without having to threaten to ruin a few people who are hogging the line of sight with their cameras
    –0330.22 Ruined buildings wrapped up with ruined humans and ruined ideas, still somehow holding each other together
 -0330.3 Those being eaten up or reclaimed by nature
    –0330.31 Lost cities, being picked over by the world’s forests, with just a few buildings remaining
    –0330.32 Lost forests, being eaten up by the world’s cities, with just a few trees remaining
    –0330.33 Ruined wildebeest, being eaten up by the world’s lions
    –0330.34 Ruined plans, being eaten up by cows on the line at Huntingdon
 -0330.4 Those sinking beneath something
    –0330.41 Those that are the aperitifs of global warming
    –0330.42 Those whose ocean is creeping sand
       —0330.421 The pink-curled spirals of worn-away buildings, disappearing into heat-shimmers on the horizon
    –0330.43 Sinking beneath the accumulated weight of expectations as to what constitutes a ruin
    –0330.44 Sinking beneath a tide of posing rock bands, blown in by a passing lightning storm
       —0330.441 Those which can yet be saved by a kind of pied piper photographer figure
 -0330.5 Those that have become hidden
    –0330.51 Those ruins that are beneath your feet even now, unseen
    –0330.52 Those that haunt the dreams of archaeologists
       —0330.521 Those that are hidden under such items as boulders, snakes and nazis
    –0330.53 Those that will shake loose of earth only when there is no-one left to understand them
 -0330.6 Those that exist in memory only
    –0330.61 Those that are ruins of memories, unpicked by later events
 -0330.7 Those that have never existed
    –0330.71 Things that are not the ruin of something much older and greater, but would like you to think they are
       —0330.711 Those that decorate theme parks
       —0330.712 Things that are still great, but no longer believe that they are

6166 Clothes
 -6166.1 Those covering the whole body
    –6166.11 Bear costumes
       —6166.111 Those that are sweated in for charity
       —6166.112 Those that are meant to fool bears
          —6166.1121 Bears are totally fooled, not sniggering at all, no, it’s just a cough, damp out here isn’t it
    –6166.12 Deep-sea diving suits
    –6166.13 Upper-air leaping suits, to be worn by the fish people as they come visiting
    –6166.14 Those worn by sinister science people in films
       —6166.141 To be accessorised by items that beep, little lights that go from side to side, and (this season) stripes
    –6166.15 Those that cover exactly as much of the body as a charity bear costume but which people seem bizarrely more keen to ban
 -6166.2 Those covering the upper bits of the body
    –6166.21 Hats
       —6166.211 Bobble hats
          —6166.2111 Those having a bobble at or larger than the size of the wearer’s head
       —6166.212 Hats (other)
    –6166.22 Balaclavas
    –6166.23 Neck things
       —6166.231 Shakespeare neck things
       —6166.232 Those covering the necks of people who are not amused except they are a bit amused really they just have to keep really still for the photo and not do mouth things
    –6166.24 Torso clothing
       —6166.241 No sleeve
       —6166.242 Some sleeve
       —6166.243 Infinite sleeve
       —6166.244 Non-euclidian sleeve
          —6166.2441 Those into which it is unwise to put a limb you are fond of
          —6166.2442 Those which can maybe be explained away with glove puppets
 -6166.3 Those covering the lower bits of the body
    –6166.31 Bottom flaps
    –6166.32 Modest pantaloons
    –6166.33 Drapery
    –6166.34 Ultra- or mega-drapery
       —6166.341 That which is concealing small animals, humans, tents, settlements etc.
       —6166.342 That which is concealing the wearer having a sneaky outdoors wee
 -6166.4 Those covering small or indistinct areas
 -6166.5 Those covering the left or right side of the body
 -6166.6 Those not really covering anything at all
    –6166.61 Those belonging to the emperor and purchased rather recently
    –6166.61 Those made of space, time, woo, memories, or other charmingly magic-realism clothing material
 -6166.7 Those that act more generally as a barrier between something and something else
    –6166.71 The veil (mystical)
    –6166.72 The human-cosmos barrier method (general)
    –6166.73 Those that are actually a wall or something but are temporarily being used to hide a butt

3290 Musical Instruments
 -3290.1 Those that go parp
    –3290.11 Those that are supposed to go parp
       —3290.111 Those that can be played by melodramatic villains or their invisible henchpersons
       —3290.112 Those that do have other uses beside accompanying the purchase of the kitsch of their country of origin, honestly
    –3290.12 Those which are supposed to go parp, but not quite at that point
    –3290.13 Those out of which any parp at all is a surprise
    –3290.14 Those which would not have parped if they had had a more moderate lunch
 -3290.2 Those that go tinkle
    –3290.21 Those that can additionally be modified to launch small mice into space
    –3290.22 Those that can be played by fleeing animals
 -3290.3 Those that go eee-aw-eee-aw
    –3290.31 Those containing one or more donkeys
       —3290.311 Those in which donkeys are intentionally part of the musical apparatus
       —3290.312 Those which are intended to be powered by the effort of silent donkeys, but the donkeys had other ideas
    –3290.32 Those being practiced by small children
 -3290.4 Those that go squeak
    –3290.41 Instruments that are very small
       —3290.411 The legit world’s smallest violin
       —3290.412 Mouse choirs
    –3290.42 Instruments that are very full of helium
       —3290.421 Those that are being used to transport an insect orchestra to or from the Albert Hall
    –3290.43 Instruments that are very scared
       —3290.431 Those that have stage fright
       —3290.432 Those that are made of vegetables or ice and are about to be consumed by the audience that initially seemed so welcoming
 -3290.5 Those that go bong bong bong
    –3290.51 Those that can be lived in when not in musical use
    –3290.52 Those that are part of clocks
 -3290.6 Those that go twaaaang
    –3290.61 Those that go twaang four or more times and are then mercifully silent
    –3290.62 Those that you can both fire arrows from and use as a shield during the orchestra’s last stand
    –3290.63 Those that refuse to be put into a small car
       —3290.631 Those into which a small car can be inserted
          —3290.6311 Those that sound better after the insertion of a small car
 -3290.7 Those that go thnorp-thnorp-blaaagle-waaaah-sponggg
    –3290.71 Followed by ‘Sorry’
    –3290.72 Followed by 'Oh yeahhh!’
 -3290.8 Those that can be induced to make more than one of the above noises
 -3290.9 Other (unspecified)

7414 Practitioners of Magic
 -7414.1 Witches
    –7414.11 Those afflicted with peculiar and persistent itches
    –7414.12 Those who magically sneak into houses at night and turn on all the light switches
       —7414.121 Don’t ask, it’s a witch thing
    –7414.13 Those who, following an inadvisable number of pina coladas at the all-night witches’ millennial sabbat and tea dance, have woken up to find themselves half in and half out of ditches  
    –7414.14 Witches striding about in particularly fine britches, getting shit done
    –7414.15 Those who can be found refining their potion sales pitches in front of mirrors that tell no lies
    –7414.16 Those who are mainly interested in just staying in and giving their hundreds of cats individual scritches under the chin
       —7414.161 And occasionally also turning the lights on and off
 -7414.2 Wizards
    –7414.21 Those that are also lizards
    –7414.22 Those who additionally have been stranded in blizzards of their own construction and survived only by cooking and eating discarded gizzards
    –7414.23 Those who are right wazzocks
 -7414.3 Warlocks
   –7414.31 Those who are the dog’s bollocks
       —7414.131 Those who are literally the dog’s bollocks following some kind of unfortunate cursing contest, the details are a bit hazy, but anyway if you see a dog with oddly sparkly bollocks you should probably get a bit further away and if they, that is the bollocks, start speaking to you it might be a good idea to run
   –7414.32 Those who are sitting on their front doorstep awaiting the locksmith because they keep on forgetting that they are not able to magic open doorlocks
 -7414.4 Sorcerors
    –7414.41 Those additionally having teacups
       —7414.412 Those who are in fact more strictly teacuperors, but there’s never an entry for that on drop-down forms for magic practitioners
    –7414.42 Those practicing particular types of sorcery
       —7414.421 Tomato sorcery
       —7414.422 Worcestershire sorcery
    –7414.43 Sorcerifs, sorcerands, sorcerxors and other logical operators of the mystical universe
    –7414.44 Those who go around after witches turning the lights back off again
 -7414.5 Enchanters
    –7414.51 Those who are thoroughly enchanting
    –7414.52 Those who are not
 -7414.6 Other (unspecified)

0331 Minutes
 -0331.1 Those before the next one
    –0331.11 Those that additionally come after the previous one
    –0331.12 Minutes partly out of sequence or of unusual shapes
       —0331.121 Those coming back around again to the next one once more
    –0331.13 Those threaded through time, coming back as themselves again and again
 -0331.2 Those underlined in some way by historians
    –0331.21 Minutes of the death of kings
       —0331.211 Those in shadowed sickrooms
       —0331.212 Those on the battlefield
          —-0331.2121 Those unattended by a horse
    –0331.22 Those minutes surrounding the birth of twins or the fulfillment of prophecies
    –0331.23 Those containing the first tiny sign of some disaster
    –0331.24 Those during which the ink dries on the signatures of peace treaties
 -0331.3 Those pertaining to music or literature
    –0331.31 Of songs
       –0331.311 Those minutes that are the best minutes of their respective songs
       –0331.312 Those minutes that are only minutes of said songs
    –0331.32 Of art or sundry things
       –0331.321 Those minutes when you see something that you cannot later unsee
    –0331.32 Of literature or film
       –0331.321 Those minutes when sense swims up out of the dense morass and breathes and sinks back down once more
       –0331.322 Those in which everything changes
       –0331.323 Ends
 -0331.4 Minutes of unusual length
    –0331.41 Those emboldened by the addition of a leap second or two
       —0331.411 Minutes stuffed full of leap seconds as a gift for lovers of time to open on New Years’ morning
    –0331.42 Minutes that have been time-dilated into flabby lumps of spaceship time
    –0331.43 Those spent falling off a cliff, receiving terrible news, in unusual ecstasy or being a bit bored
    –0331.44 Those minutes inhabited by malfunctioning time machines
 -0331.5 Minutes that have been forgotten
    –0331.51 Those in which nothing happened
    –0331.52 Those in which things happened that no-one saw
    –0331.53 Those attended by too few elephants
    –0331.54 Those in which things happened and people saw them and which subsequently those people successfully joined the foreign legion to forget
    –0331.55 Quotidian minutes in the lives of the long dead
    –0331.56 This minute, many years from now

8440 Mythical Beasts
 -8440.1 Those that appear like normal beasts, but with some special power or feature
    –8440.11 Those that can speak
       —8440.111 Those who can be found dispensing choice wisdom to travellers who look a bit like protagonists
       —8440.112 Those who speak or sing only when unobserved
          —8440.1121 Those whose capture is the key to untold powers
          —8440.1122 Those whose capture leads only to melancholy
    –8440.12 Those that are unusually shaggy
       —8440.121 Those whose mythical power is largely based around avoiding shearers and/or hairdressers
    –8440.13 Those appearing only in mirrors
    –8440.14 Those holding up the sun, moon or sky, ferrying the dead, or employed in other god stuff
        –8440.141 These who could really do with better pay and conditions given that they get all the god responsibilities without any of the god benefits like smiting and worship
    –8440.15 Those that are unusually attractive
    –8440.16 Those who began their lives as entirely usual creatures, but had the misfortune to be swept up in someone else’s story and get all mythologised
    –8440.17 Those that hang around the makers of myths, moving small objects around, snuffing out lights and generally performing the more quotidian sort of miracle in the hope of being noticed
 -8440.2 Those that are scaly or flappy
    –8440.21 Those that are born in fire
       —8440.211 Those that additionally sneeze, fart or perspire fire
    –8440.22 Things that are driven from villages with pitchforks
 -8440.3 Those that have an unusual number of something
    –8440.31 Heads
    –8440.32 Legs, limbs, tentacles, protrusions or similar
    –8440.33 Eyes, ears, teeth and suchlike
    –8440.34 those that might rather be termed collectors
    –8440.35 Mythical beasts of porn
 -8440.4 Those that are part one animal and part another animal
    –8440.41 Part animal and part human
       —8440.411 Those in which the top or front part is human
          —8440.4111 Those where the human part has to keep telling the animal part to sit
       —8440.412 Those in which the back or bottom part is human
          —8440.4121 Cases where this arrangement runs counter to expectations, e.g. landfish or giant ants with buttocks
       —8440.413 Those who are arranged some other way
    –8440.42 Part animal and part some other animal
    –8440.43 Part human and part some other human
       —8440.431 Frankenstein’s monster
 -8440.5 Those that are of an unusual size
 -8440.6 Those that appear in the metamyths that mythical beasts pass amongst themselves when gathered around certain special fireplaces
 -8440.7 Those of a vegetable nature
 -8440.8 Those normally living in the deep oceans, the poles, the upper atmosphere, in space, or in the human brain

2241 Yorks
 -2241.1 York
    –2241.11 Ones which have, or have had, a version of you in
       —2241.111 Those with a wall
       —2241.112 Those with a roof as well
    –2241.12 Those containing a museum dedicated to Richard III
       —2241.121 A small and rather adorably eccentric one in the city walls
       —2241.122 A large one in the city centre
       —2241.123 Basically the whole city centre is dedicated to Richard III anyway because zombie Richard III answered the summons of a rogue coven in 1980, bursting forth from his car park in Leicester to sweet-talk the locals into establishing a zombie empire across the Midlands, Northumbria and Yorkshire; ‘Northern Powerhouse’ having a very different meaning in this world
    –2241.13 Yorks that are still full of vikings
       —2241.131 Those at the start of the Great Longboat Canal
       —2241.132 Those that are fun to visit for National Pillage Day, but leave your valuables at home
    –2241.14 Those containing York Minster
       —2241.141 York Minster making funny noises
       —2241.142 York Minster being raiseable by magic
 -2241.2 New York
    –2241.21 Those New Yorks in which Manhattan is actually a giant whale but nobody has figured it out yet but it’s going to be pretty annoyed when it wakes up
    –2241.22 New Yorks that have been destroyed in literature, film, poetry or idle musing
    –2241.23 Those in which there exists a button that will decant a vast helium reservoir into the hidden airbags of the skyscrapers, allowing them to detach from the ground and gently float about
       —2241.231 Those in which one may find gainful employment as a person who leans out of the window and nudges the other skyscrapers out of the way with a long pole, so that they do not bang into each other
       —2241.232 Those in which all the skyscrapers have floated off on holiday, leaving some odd bald patches and a jealous subway
    –2241.24 Those containing a Statue of Liberty
       —2241.241 Those additionally having Statues of Fraternity and Equality
       —2241.242 Those in which the Statue of Liberty is a bear and nobody knows why but the whole city is super into bears and there are bear skyscrapers and you can go the the Brooklyn Bear Park and stuff
       —2241.243 Statue of Liberty occasionally comes to life and eats people
    –2241.25 New Yorks in which is is possible to get a decent cup of tea
 -2241.3 New New York
    –2241.31 So good they named it twice but so forgetful they missed the first 'York’ out
    –2241.32 That New New York on Mars with the excellent sunsets
 -2241.4 New New New York
    –2241.41 That city that got built on Mars after New New York was eaten by New New Godzilla as a second course after New New New Tokyo
 -2241.5 Even newer Yorks
 -2241.6 Yorks so New they have overflowed into Oldness

5918 Dogs
 -5918.1 Those that are woolly
    –5918.11 Dogs indistinguishable from rugs
       —5918.111 Dogs that rather like being snuggled on in any case
       —5918.112 Those that do not like being snuggled on but are too lazy to object
    –5918.12 Dogs who are adapted for a Winter more serious than your puny Earth Winters
       —5918.12 Those dogs in summer
    –5918.13 Dogs who plod around raining hair, like a mini canine hairstorm
    –5918.14 Dogs that are more like the light frizzy clouds of summer
 -5918.2 Those that are wet
    –5918.21 Wet dogs who are full of love and hugs and just need to bounce on you to let all that joy out
    –5918.22 Those dogs that can shake wet sand across a room to create an interesting pebbledash effect on the walls
    –5918.23 Those that are both woolly and wet, and can thus be used as wet dog scent diffusers around a whole neighborhood
 -5918.3 Friendly dogs
    –5918.31 Dogs who really need to tell you that little Timmy is trapped down a well
       —5918.311 The well is actually that ham that’s in the fridge, we need to check right to the bottom to make sure little Timmy is not trapped inside that ham, can’t you hear his agonized cries?
       —5918.312 No really it’s hell on earth to be trapped in ham, don’t you understand? We have to help
    –5918.32 Those that are friendly if you have biscuits, and are otherwise standoffish
    –5918.33 Dogs that are too friendly
       —5918.331 Those that are humping your leg right now
       —5918.332 Those who have the power to unerringly select the person in the room who does not like dogs, and the inclination to hump the leg of that person
 -5918.4 Those that are hungry
    –5918.41 Dogs that have in fact not eaten for weeks and are completely starving, look at their huge eyes, pay no attention to that odd memory that you may have fed them an hour ago
    –5918.42 Dogs who will eat lemons, balloons, anonymous turds, plastic toys and suchlike
       —5918.421 Those same dogs after a trip to the vet
 -5918.5 Those who are in space
    –5918.51 Mournful soviet space dog ghosts, gazing down at the Earth from perpetual orbit and howling at the moon
    –5918.52 Dogs who have disguised themselves as humans and undertaken astronaut training in an attempt to go up there and rescue their comrades’ lost ghosts
 -5918.6 Those that have dog noses in their dog faces
    –5918.61 Those that furthermore are just dogging around broadcasting ‘DOOOOOOOOOG’ at high volume on dog frequency brain radio
 -5918.7 Dogs of unexpected size or velocity
    –5918.71 Dogs in handbags
    –5918.72 Those dogs who believe that they should be living on the beach, and are prepared to sprint in the general direction of the beach to prove it
    –5918.73 Dogs who believe that they are still the size of a puppy, and totally still fit into that basket, chair, box or lap

1123 Memories
 -1123.1 Those that induce an odd sense of wistfulness
    –1123.11 Those that are knotted together with other, almost unrelated memories
       —1123.111 Memories of remembering things in a different place
       —1123.112 Memories of listening to music
       —1123.113 Memories that have developed interrupting cats, unicorns or dairy products
    –1123.12 Memories of quotidian things
       —1123.121 Those that remain because in hindsight they were the last time for something
       —1123.122 Those that remain because in hindsight they were the start of something
       —1123.123 Those that have no particular reason for hanging around, which somehow only makes them pop up more often
    –1123.13 Those that you can take out and happily mull over during idle moments
       —1123.131 Those of small, gentle, happy things
       —1123.132 Those of places, realisations or the turn of seasons
 -1123.2 Those that grow over time into stories
    –1123.21 In which the stories no longer quite match with other people’s stories of the same event
    –1123.22 In which the narrative urge to tie everything up neatly has not yet quite overridden reality
 -1123.3 Those arising out of smells, sounds or turns of the light
    –1123.31 Memories of places far, far away
    –1123.32 Those of places or things that no longer exist
 -1123.4 Those that are needed to pass examinations
    –1123.41 Those that would be more useful in passing examinations if they were complete, but which unfortunately appear to have developed a hole somewhere
    –1123.42 Those that were very useful in passing examinations a few years ago but have now become a kind of patchwork quilt of vague equation-shapes and partial theories
    –1123.43 Memory buildings
       —1123.431 Palaces
       —1123.432 Houses
       —1123.433 Outbuildings or latrines
 -1123.5 Those that belonged to someone else first
    –1123.51 Memories of memories told to you by people now dead
       —1123.511 Those containing stories of memories further back
       —1123.512 Those that contain the last remaining trace of someone long gone
    –1123.52 Memories of things that you have forgotten actually happened to someone else
 -1123.6 Memories smaller than 30mm across
 -1123.7 Those that are kept in locked boxes
    –1123.71 Those that come out of their own accord, knotting themselves through other memories and generally being a nuisance
 -1123.8 Those that are accidentally from the future

123 Quests
 -1123.1 In search of miscellaneous items
    –1123.11 Treasure
       —1123.111 Treasure with mystical powers
       —1123.112 Treasure with great social significance
       —1123.113 Treasure that will just make you rich
    –1123.12 Swords or other weapons
       —1123.121 Obtained from lakes or rivers
       —1123.122 Obtained from stones
       —1123.123 Obtained from weapons shop
    –1123.13 Food and drink
       —1123.131 Fountains of youth, beauty or pertness
       —1123.132 Fruits
          —1123.1321 Forbidden ones
          —1123.1322 Tasty ones
       —1123.133 Ice cream, chocolate or cookies
          —1123.1331 Those that are perfect
    –1123.14 Clothes, shoes or accessories
    –1123.15 Keys, remote controls and other miscellaneous items
 -1123.2 In search of people or other beings
    –1123.21 Gurus, messiahs or prophets
    –1123.22 Ordinary people just like you, the reader, who are the subject of mysterious prophecies
 -1123.3 In search of knowledge
    –1123.31 In search of Meaning
    –1123.32 In search of The Ineffable
       —1123.321 In which the questers failed to bring a large enough supply of effs
 -1123.4 In search of mystical powers
 -1123.5 In search of something you had all along
    –1123.51 In search of yourself
    –1123.52 The real treasure was the friends you made along the way
    –1123.53 The real treasure was your navel
       —1123.531 When you gaze into it your navel also gazes back
       —1123.532 The quest ends when all involved are accidentally sucked into a giant bellybutton
    –1123.54 Item was on your head all the time
 -1123.6 Quests to get rid of things
    –1123.61 In the ancient forge whence it was made
    –1123.62 In the appropriate recycling bin
 -1123.7 Unsuccessful quests
    –1123.71 The real treasure was NOT the friends you made along the way, actually everyone was kind of trying to kill you
    –1123.72 Desperate million-to-one hope inexplicably failed to come off