Listing to Port

6030 People
  -6030.1 Small people
    –6030.11 Babies
      —6030.111 When they are wailing in the middle of the night
      —6030.112 When they are snuggled-up and milk-drunk
      —6030.113 At the age when one has mentally categorised them as something like a puppy, and they suddenly do something intelligent
    –6030.21 Children
      —6030.121 Real children
      —6030.122 Children in stories of children, written by adults
      —6030.123 Children in the imagination of children, reflecting backwards in an infinite spiral
    –6030.31 People who are merely slightly shorter than oneself
  -6030.2 People encountered out in the world
    –6030.21 Those who are like you
      —6030.221 Those who are like you inside, but sufficiently different outside that you do not immediately think so
    –6030.22 Those who are not like you
    –6030.23 Those who may or may not be, depending on your definition of ‘like’    
    –6030.24 Those who operate within the social contract of their time and place
      —6030.241 Those who use the social contract to perform iffy deeds
      —6030.242 Those who can only operate within the social contract after long study
  -6030.5 Those who are easily categorised into a small number of different groups
    –6030.51 Those who are happy at this categorisation
  -6030.5 Those who are a source of gorgeous mystery
  -6030.6 People who are made of ice-cream, butter or sugar
  -6030.7 People who make music
  -6030.9 Those who are in fact some number of moles dressed up in a trenchcoat, mask and hat

0092 Geometry of food
  -0092.1 Simple blob forms
    –0092.11 Spherical
      —0092.111 Meatballs
      —0092.111 Berries
        —-0092.1131 Edible
        —-0092.1131 Used to poison the diner
      —0092.113 Assorted spherical items of gastrowankery
        —-0092.1131 Pearls
        —-0092.1131 Ravioles
        —-0092.1131 Spherical plates which have to be broken to access the food
        —-0092.1131 Room-size sugar spheres in which the diner is imprisoned
    –0092.42 One long dimension, two short
      —0092.421 Sausages
      —0092.422 Eggs
      —0092.423 Chips
      —0092.424 Beans
    –0092.43 Two long dimensions, one short
      —0092.431 Burgers
    –0092.44 Other
      —0092.441 Deliberately contrary meat products
  -0092.2 Triangular forms
    –0092.21 Sandwiches
    –0092.22 Triangular eggs
    –0092.23 Other food shaped into triangles, for the dedicated and persistent eater of triangles
  -0092.3 Square, rectangular and cuboid forms
    –0092.31 Sandwiches (unsliced)
    –0092.32 Custard creams and similar biscuits
    –0092.33 Melons that have been grown in glass cubes
    –0092.33 Fudge, gajar halwa, flapjack and other sliced things
  -0092.4 Food of irregular shape
    –0092.41 Steak
    –0092.42 Broccoli
    –0092.42 Other
  -0092.5 Food of uncertain or amorphous shape
    –0092.51 Jelly
    –0092.52 Mists and foams
       —0092.521 Indistinguishable from actual weather
  -0092.6 Complex or architectural shapes
    –0092.61 Food sculptures
       —0092.611 Little people made of butter
       —0092.612 Little people made of sugar
          —0092.6121 Perched awkwardly on top of cakes
    –0092.62 3D printed forms
    –0092.63 Edible chairs
    –0092.63 Edible hats

6750 The common cold
 -6750.1 General
    –6750.11 Phlegmy sort
        –6750.112 Productive of bright green phlegm
        –6750.113 Productive of bright orange phlegm
        –6750.113 Productive of clouds of dandelion fluff
    –6750.14 More of a cough, really
        –6750.141 The sort that keeps one up at night
        –6750.112 Sounds like a bark
    –6750.15 Mainly of the lost voice sort
        –6750.151 Striking just before one has to sing
    –6750.16 Gentle little cold that wanders around the back of throat and glands without ever really doing much
 -6750.2 Obtained via miscellaneous and/or unknown means
    –6750.21 Obtained while on mission from MI5
 -6750.3 Obtained via contact with children
    –6750.31 Via nursery
         –6750.311 First cold in a row acquired from nursery
         –6750.312 Second or more cold in a row acquired from nursery
 -6750.4 Obtained via recreational activity
    –6750.41 Recreational activity that was definitely worth it
    –6750.42 Recreational activity that wasn’t
 -6750.5 Obtained via mode of transport
    –6750.51 On an aeroplane
        –6750.511 At the start of a holiday that would be really great without a cold
        –6750.512 By the return journey, able to share cold with a whole new group of people
    –6750.59 First documented case of donkey-human transmission
 -6750.8 The uncommon cold
    –6750.81 Productive of rainbow glitter phlegm
    –6750.82 Sneezing up tiny unicorns
    –6750.83 Sinuses colonised by tiny kittens
    –6750.84 World’s best viral party going on in eustachian tubes, invitation extended to local bacteria, entrance queue goes all the way down throat and back

0800 Lost things
 -0800.1 Recently lost
    –0800.23 Mittens
       —0800.231 Mittens placed on walls, railings and gates by helpful passers-by
    –0800.24 Stuffed bears, dogs and bunnies
       —0800.241 Those that are found again, to great joy
       —0800.242 Those that are not
          —-0800.2422 Those that are lost in airports at the start of a long journey
       —0800.243 Those that might have been found again, or might have been replaced by a duplicate, you are never quite sure
    –0800.25 Things that you know you put down just a moment ago
       —0800.251 Items that are in fact still on your person somewhere and obvious to a hypothetical bystander
       —0800.252 Items which you need to find to be able to find them
          —-0800.2521 Glasses
          —-0800.2522 Cups of coffee
 -0800.2 Long lost
    –0800.21 The subject of intense nostalgia
       —0800.211 Things for which the nostalgia does not align with the original reality
       —0800.212 The subject of sepia-tinted documentaries
    –0800.27 Things after the death of the last person who remembers them directly
    –0800.28 Things after the death of the last person who has heard the truth of them
    –0800.29 Things that have passed even out of story and rumour
 -0800.3 Things that are not lost, but know perfectly well where they are
    –0800.31 Things that are hiding
    –0800.32 Things that are mistaken about their location
       —0800.323 Confident walkers in mazes
 -0800.4 Things under sofa cushions
    –0800.41 Remote controls, keys and pens
    –0800.42 Food, dust and buttons
    –0800.43 Other sundry items
    –0800.44 Things that have passed into the main body of the sofa
       —0800.444 Things that are so valuable they require the dismantling of the sofa to retrieve
 -0800.5 That are the subject of humorous asides
    –0800.51 Marbles
       —0800.511 Literal marbles
    –0800.52 Virginity
       —0800.523 May or may not be lost, depending on whether a specific act counts or not
 -0800.6 Appetites, desires and dreams
 -0800.7 Cities, civilisations, treasure, ships, aeroplanes, etc.
    –0800.72 That in fact never existed in the first place
    –0800.73 Rumoured location is covered in dense jungle
    –0800.74 Rumoured location is under the sea
 -0800.8 Memories
    –0800.81 Of which only a ghost remains
       —0800.811 Memories that itch maddeningly at your thoughts when you smell a particular smell
       —0800.812 Things that you know you once knew
       —0800.813 Things that other people know you once knew

0120 Round things
 -0120.1 That are extremely pleasing
    –0120.11 Holes that are perfectly round
    –0120.12 A full moon in a completely dark night sky
    –0120.15 Marbles that are all one colour
 -0120.2 That are not where they should be
    –0120.21 Round clods of dirt indoors
       —0120.211 Dirt of suspicious origin, possibly related to a strange cat in the house
    –0120.22 Full stops in the middle of sentences
 -0120.3 That are amusing or fun
    –0120.31 Balls
       —0120.311 Ball pool balls
       —0120.312 Footballs
       —0120.318 Giant balls of rubber bands, string, wool or other substance, used as tourist attractions
    –0120.33 The dots on the bottom of exclamation marks
 -0120.4 Of which there are many
    –0120.41 Small round items used for packing
    –0120.42 Food that is round
       —0120.422 Food that is pretentiously round
          —-0120.4222 Food that is intended to resemble the planets of the solar system
       —0120.423 Food that is boringly round
       —0120.424 Food that exists in four physical dimensions but whose projection into our three-dimensional universe is spherical
       —0120.445 Meatballs
       —0120.446 Dough balls
    –0120.44 Woodlice that have rolled themselves up on the lifting of a stone
    –0120.45 Wet spots on the ground at the start of a rainstorm
 -0120.5 Things that are thought to be round, but no-one can be sure
 -0120.6 Things that are or resemble eyes
    –0120.62 The eyes of cartoon characters
      —0120.622 The little dots of light in the eyes of cartoon characters
 -0120.9 Other things that are round

9080 Trains
-9080.1 Diesel
-9080.2 Electric
   –9080.25 Toy trains
-9080.3 Steam
   –9080.12 Quaint ye-olde steam trains
       —9080.122 Used primarily to visit Santas with dodgy beards
   –9080.13 Actual working steam trains in places that still do that kind of thing
-9080.4 Nuclear-powered
   –9080.42 Runs through secret tunnels between bunkers in the event of a global emergency
   –9080.44 Train will explode when passing through $city unless stopped by action hero
-9080.5 Solar-powered
   –9080.52 For which inclement weather is a valid excuse for service cancellation
   –9080.55 Still running when there is nothing left on the Earth’s surface but rails and dirt and sunlight
-9080.6 Other tangible power source
   –9080.61 Powered by LNG
   –9080.62 Powered by any old burnable junk that can be stuffed in the furnace
   –9080.64 Handcarts
   –9080.65 Powered by people putting their legs through holes in the carriages and running really fast
   –9080.66 Not powered but can at a pinch be pushed by another train
   –9080.67 Trains that are on boats
-9080.7 Powered by magic
   –9080.71 But still looks like quaint ye-olde steam train
-9080.8 Powered by thought
   –9080.81 Space train pods on the magic woo quantum rails of the Future
   –9080.88 Trains of thought
-9080.9 Trains of paranormal origin
   –9080.91 Ghost underground trains
      —9080.912 Of a mysterious silver colour
      —9080.913 Crammed to the gills with deceased commuters
      —9080.914 Still used by live commuters, who have not noticed
   –9080.92 Zombie trains
      —9080.921 Trains whose parts will rise up from junkyards all over the world when the zombie train apocalypse comes

0089 Stones
 -0089.1 Extremely large
    –0089.12 Planets that are rocks
    –0089.15 Asteroids
 -0089.2 Around the size of a librarian
    –0089.21 Statues
       —0089.211 Extremely serious statues
       —0089.212 Statues having one or more legs in the air
       —0089.215 Angels
       —0089.216 Ancient statues so enclosed in guano that they have been mistaken for mounds
    –0089.22 Funerary monuments
       —0089.222 Resembling a tooth or claw
       —0089.225 Rigged by enterprising funeral directors so as to topple when the liklihood of causing another funeral is highest
 -0089.3 The size of a fist or slightly larger
    –0089.31 Stone apples, stone pears and other fruit of petrified trees
    –0089.33 Stones found in cairns
    –0089.34 Can be used to stun a burglar
       —0089.343 Have been used to stun a burglar
 -0089.3 Pebbles
    –0089.33 Pebbles balanced in towers
    –0089.34 Pebbles having words on, the words together making up a story now long lost to entropy
    –0089.39 Forgotten pebbles of myth and legend
       —0089.383 The pebble needle of Dogger Bank
       —0089.387 The seven stone hearts of the deathless dogs
       —0089.398 The stone giant’s lost clitoris
 -0089.4 Gravel and scree
    –0089.41 Stones found in the shoe
       —0089.414 Stones which, once removed from the shoe, find their way back in again
       —0089.415 Stones which are part of the shoe and should not be removed
 -0089.5 Resembling dust
    –0089.55 Space dust
 -0089.6 Stones of which the size is unknown
 -0089.7 Stones of which the size is unknowable

Mysteries

9872 Mysteries
 -9872.1 Solved
    –9872.11 Using brilliant powers of deduction
       —9872.111 Everyone so impressed by brilliant powers of deduction, nobody thinks to make sure the solution makes sense
    –9872.12 Using the power of lurve
       —9872.121 Everyone so impressed by the power of lurve, nobody thinks to make sure the solution makes sense  
    –9872.18 Solution is obviously wrong in the light of late-emerging data in any case
    –9872.19 Conspiracy theories concerning the mystery are much more entertaining than the actual solution
 -9872.2 Unsolved
    –9872.21 Explanation is obvious, but nobody wishes to admit it, because an unsolved mystery is much more exciting
    –9872.25 Of or pertaining to famous libraries or lost books
    –9872.28 Of or pertaining to remote islands or the far North
    –9872.29 Of or pertaining to caves, the deep sea or volcanos
 -9871.3 Concerning serendipity
 -9871.4 That are none of your business
    –9871.41 This fact occasioning an afternoon-long research binge
 -9871.5 Solemn and ancient
 -9871.6 Whose resolution would spawn two or more new mysteries
    –9871.64 Which must not be solved for fear of the proliferation of new mysteries
 -9871.8 In which the nature of the mystery is itself a mystery