Listing to Port

1. Flying ant day. Normally falling towards the end of July or start of August, flying ant day is the day when winged ants leave their colonies to start new ones elsewhere. This is by far the best-known insect fiesta and has become significantly commercialised in recent years, with cards, comestibles and souvenir nick-nacks hitting the shops several months in advance. If you want to celebrate flying ant day along with your little insect friends, why not have a picnic with foods ants like? Jam, sugar and sticky sweets are all firm favourites. Interestingly, non-flying ants have been getting in on the airborne action this year by inflating hollowed-out bumblebees with digestive gases and using them as makeshift dirigibles. Keep a look out for bees with a suspicious buzz!

2. Walking fly day. Part of the emerging slow food movement amongst flies, walking fly day is a day when flies take to the ground. Participants pledge to take the  scenic walking route to food items, only flying if in active danger. Consequently, the day before walking fly day is usually a time of frenetic activity amongst flies, as participants attempt to secure and memorise known food locations. Check whether walking fly day is celebrated in your location - presently it is only widely practiced in ares with a significant hipster fly population.

3. Diving wasp day. Usually occurring shortly after flying ant day, diving wasp day is the day wasps compete in diving into sweet, fizzy liquids around the globe. You can help by providing cola, beer or orange juice. Want to know if it’s diving wasp day or not? Check whether there are other wasps hanging around, ready to rate the diving of their audacious comrades!

4. Fucking laser-shooting tarantula day. Interestingly, tarantulas can develop biological lasers in their legs in response to stressful stimuli, or sometimes just when they feel like it. Fortunately, tarantulas are terrible organisers and are habitually late, so no-one has ever managed to successfully co-ordinate fucking laser-shooting tarantula day. 

5. Rising up and destroying all vertebrates cockroach day. Don’t worry, they’ll wait until we’ve been largely incapacitated by some other event, such as an asteroid strike or nuclear war, first.

Bedlington’s Bed Bedding Day, first overcast Saturday in spring
We celebrate Bedlington’s Bed Bedding Day by spending an extra ten minutes in bed, during which time we give thanks for pillows, duvets and all the other soft enablers of lovely, lovely sleep.

Owl Day, no set date
The only certain thing about Owl Day is that it happens once a year for each person; but the day it happens for each person may be different. Nor is there any set celebration. One simply wakes up and realises that it is Owl Day. The rest of the day is slightly enlivened by the knowledge that this is a special day, though it may not be different in substance to any other day. The link to owls is not known but is thought by some to be a reference to Athena.

Permission Day, June 5
Celebrants of this festival treat the 5th of June as if they had been given a set of permission slips from the Universe for the following activities: dressing up when there is no need, dancing like an idiot when someone might see, singing along to the radio, scratching their arses in public, and audibly farting.

Book smell day, August 2
On this day, participants attempt to get a good sniff of the oldest, whiffiest, crumbliest old book that they can. If your nostrils are not actually grey with old book dust, you have not celebrated book smell day properly. Likewise, if there is not an impending lawsuit on your head for breaking and entering and archivist bootmarks on your rear end, you have not really been trying. Some consider the ultimate achievement to be actually grinding down priceless manuscripts and snorting them in their entirety. Needless to say, book smell day has fallen out of favour with librarians and health professionals.

The Feast of the Teacup, November 16 (if rainy) or the first rainy day thereafter
This feast is usually celebrated by offering someone a cup of tea. At a pinch, you may offer yourself a cup of tea. If you do not like tea, you do not have to accept it. You do not even have to have tea in the house, really. The offering is the important part. Some celebrants consider the ritual instead to be the offering of the letter T, which is then drawn on some accessible part of the body. Once the letter T has been offered, the offerer should refrain from using it for the remainder of the day.

Contrariwise day, March 12
In recognition of all futile and ill-thought through acts of rebellion, we celebrate contrariwise day by turning all the toilet rolls we encounter to dispense in the other direction.