Listing to Port

Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: Never cross Santa. Santa has a long memory, deep and mysterious powers, and is pettily vindictive - witness his treatment of children who fail his behaviour test. He has copious free time in the non-Christmas period to pursue petty grudges. It doesn’t matter in what manner you cross him, you will regret it. Go ahead and cross ducks. If you cross a duck, it might quack at you. If you cross Santa, being shat on by a reindeer from 30000 feet will be the least of your troubles.

Q: What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
A: The police were uninterested in investigating such a minor crime, so he got away with it. As he consumed the remaining chocolates, he felt a deep sense of shame at what his life had come to.

Q. Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?
A. Because they are trees.

Q. What do you call a cat in the desert?
A. Tiddles? Tiddles? Please come here, Tiddles. I didn’t mean to let you out. Oh god, that rattlesnake is not a toy.

Q. What does Santa do with misbehaving elves?
A. He fires them, leaving them without a job just before Christmas, which is the only time of year that elves can reliably get work. Many elves who are fired by Santa have to turn to crime to support their families. Never cross Santa.

Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. Interestingly, this is often where elves who have been fired end up. As soon as the staff go home for the night, they make off with the contents of the store cupboard, safe in the knowledge that the theft will not be discovered until after the holiday season.

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. The turkey lived on the opposite side of the road to a polling station where a referendum on Christmas was being held. Sadly, the turkey’s journey was wasted as only humans were eligible to cast ballots.

Q. How can tell if Santa has been in your shed?
A. Santa is often caught short on his rounds, but the rumour that he visits unlocked sheds to relieve himself is not true. Usually he goes off the side of his sleigh when transiting between populated areas.

Q. What might Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
A. Death.

Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Good King Wenceslas was assassinated in the year 935. If he remains sufficiently functional to like pizza, we can only conclude that he has been raised from the dead for some reason, possibly as part of the zombie apocalypse. Let us not chat about the horrors he consumes upon a thin layer of bread. We need to get to the shelter, and quickly.

1. Legitimate belly
2. Pregnant with quads
3. Wardrobe-smuggler
4. Loosely-tethered laughter-blimp
5. Snake in a doughnut
6. Sherry bladder about to blow
7. That’s no moon

Dear relative, whose angry screeds
I get to read on social media;
I know the ways we disagree
Could fill a full encyclopaedia,
But now we meet on Christmas Day
It’s time to put aside critiques
And share this time with love and joy.
I got your dog this toy. It squeaks.

I choose my gifts with thought and care.
I know how much you love that pup -
I’m sure that her infectious joy
As merrily she chews it up
Will fill you full of Christmas pep.
What’s more, I’m sure the coming weeks,
The dawning of our brand new year
Will also fill with joy and squeaks.

Now, dog toys often break, it’s true.
I choose my gifts with thought and care.
So something I considered well
Is making sure this toy will wear
As little as a toy can do.
I used a shop I truly trust
To tooth-proof up the rubber, and
Make sure the squeaker is robust.

Another thing that makes dogs sad
Is when their toys get stuck up high.
I choose my gifts with thought and care.
I do not want your dog to cry.
I asked the shop I got it from
To make some very minor tweaks.
When activated by a bark,
It bounces down to make more squeaks.

A marvel of technology!
But what if it were shut somewhere  
Inside a cupboard, or a bin?
I choose my gifts with thought and care.
This toy is proofed against that fate:
It has a smell that dogs adore
To help your dog to dig it out
And squeak and squeak and squeak it more.

So pass the sprouts, dear relative.
It’s time to raise our glasses high.
And then some pudding, don’t you think?
What’s that, you say? A gift? Oh my.
You choose your gifts with thought and care.
I’m pleased to hear you have on order
A loving present for my daughter:
The Child’s First Extra-Loud Recorder.

1. Looking for a traditional stocking filler? Try legs! Best of all, they are completely free. You may even have some lying around the house yourself!
2. Each litre of seawater contains about 13 billionths of a gram of gold (on average), making it the prefect present for the homeopath who has it all.
3. Piss off a fairy and give them the name and address of a relative. Voila! A truly authentic mystical curse experience for all the family, for minimal outlay.
4. Repackage a selection of dog toys in smart boxes to make a quirky range of objets d'art and sex toys for the non dog-owners in your life.
5. Some people believe that all humans should have basic rights, such as the rights to equality, freedom from slavery, or the right to be considered innocent until proven guilty. Do you? If not, why not give basic human rights as a Christmas gift? If you are feeling particularly generous, you could even give them to everyone on Earth.
6. Let someone know you are thinking of them by telling them that you are thinking of them. No gift required!