Listing to Port

Dear relative, whose angry screeds
I get to read on social media;
I know the ways we disagree
Could fill a full encyclopaedia,
But now we meet on Christmas Day
It’s time to put aside critiques
And share this time with love and joy.
I got your dog this toy. It squeaks.

I choose my gifts with thought and care.
I know how much you love that pup -
I’m sure that her infectious joy
As merrily she chews it up
Will fill you full of Christmas pep.
What’s more, I’m sure the coming weeks,
The dawning of our brand new year
Will also fill with joy and squeaks.

Now, dog toys often break, it’s true.
I choose my gifts with thought and care.
So something I considered well
Is making sure this toy will wear
As little as a toy can do.
I used a shop I truly trust
To tooth-proof up the rubber, and
Make sure the squeaker is robust.

Another thing that makes dogs sad
Is when their toys get stuck up high.
I choose my gifts with thought and care.
I do not want your dog to cry.
I asked the shop I got it from
To make some very minor tweaks.
When activated by a bark,
It bounces down to make more squeaks.

A marvel of technology!
But what if it were shut somewhere  
Inside a cupboard, or a bin?
I choose my gifts with thought and care.
This toy is proofed against that fate:
It has a smell that dogs adore
To help your dog to dig it out
And squeak and squeak and squeak it more.

So pass the sprouts, dear relative.
It’s time to raise our glasses high.
And then some pudding, don’t you think?
What’s that, you say? A gift? Oh my.
You choose your gifts with thought and care.
I’m pleased to hear you have on order
A loving present for my daughter:
The Child’s First Extra-Loud Recorder.

5918 Dogs
 -5918.1 Those that are woolly
    –5918.11 Dogs indistinguishable from rugs
       —5918.111 Dogs that rather like being snuggled on in any case
       —5918.112 Those that do not like being snuggled on but are too lazy to object
    –5918.12 Dogs who are adapted for a Winter more serious than your puny Earth Winters
       —5918.12 Those dogs in summer
    –5918.13 Dogs who plod around raining hair, like a mini canine hairstorm
    –5918.14 Dogs that are more like the light frizzy clouds of summer
 -5918.2 Those that are wet
    –5918.21 Wet dogs who are full of love and hugs and just need to bounce on you to let all that joy out
    –5918.22 Those dogs that can shake wet sand across a room to create an interesting pebbledash effect on the walls
    –5918.23 Those that are both woolly and wet, and can thus be used as wet dog scent diffusers around a whole neighborhood
 -5918.3 Friendly dogs
    –5918.31 Dogs who really need to tell you that little Timmy is trapped down a well
       —5918.311 The well is actually that ham that’s in the fridge, we need to check right to the bottom to make sure little Timmy is not trapped inside that ham, can’t you hear his agonized cries?
       —5918.312 No really it’s hell on earth to be trapped in ham, don’t you understand? We have to help
    –5918.32 Those that are friendly if you have biscuits, and are otherwise standoffish
    –5918.33 Dogs that are too friendly
       —5918.331 Those that are humping your leg right now
       —5918.332 Those who have the power to unerringly select the person in the room who does not like dogs, and the inclination to hump the leg of that person
 -5918.4 Those that are hungry
    –5918.41 Dogs that have in fact not eaten for weeks and are completely starving, look at their huge eyes, pay no attention to that odd memory that you may have fed them an hour ago
    –5918.42 Dogs who will eat lemons, balloons, anonymous turds, plastic toys and suchlike
       —5918.421 Those same dogs after a trip to the vet
 -5918.5 Those who are in space
    –5918.51 Mournful soviet space dog ghosts, gazing down at the Earth from perpetual orbit and howling at the moon
    –5918.52 Dogs who have disguised themselves as humans and undertaken astronaut training in an attempt to go up there and rescue their comrades’ lost ghosts
 -5918.6 Those that have dog noses in their dog faces
    –5918.61 Those that furthermore are just dogging around broadcasting ‘DOOOOOOOOOG’ at high volume on dog frequency brain radio
 -5918.7 Dogs of unexpected size or velocity
    –5918.71 Dogs in handbags
    –5918.72 Those dogs who believe that they should be living on the beach, and are prepared to sprint in the general direction of the beach to prove it
    –5918.73 Dogs who believe that they are still the size of a puppy, and totally still fit into that basket, chair, box or lap

Dear Mr. Heracles,
                We are pleased to inform you that the operation was successful. We removed from the dog’s (dogs’?) stomach the following items: one golden apple, toothmarks to upper side; piece of wooden club, rather splintered; aconite leaves; a large quantity of snake bones, too many to count; several handfuls of earth and stones; remnants of three dog collars, heavily chewed, bearing identical tags (‘Cerberus, if found please return to Underworld’); several laurel wreaths; some fragments of lion-skin; short length of chain, apparently made of adamant; three or four arrow shafts; a large hairball, appears to be wool from some sort of golden fleece; a belt; some cattle dung; and a rattle. We expect him to make a full recovery. Please note that we are still awaiting our agreed payment of one hundred cattle.

We regret to inform you, however, that we have some concerns about the treatment and training of your dog. It seems apparent that he is not offered much affection or exercise in his day-to-day life. He is rather fond of chasing snakes, which is a problem given that he persists in mistaking his tail for a snake (to be fair, so did we initially!). Additionally he seems to be fond of leg-humping, which I’m sure you will appreciate is also a problem given his size and threatening aspect. We recommend that he is given at least two long walks per day, and ideally that he also has a course of sessions with our in-house pet psychologist. He also needs to be microchipped. As I am sure you are aware, 'Underworld’ is not an adequate address and also appears to be that of a previous owner (we did contact the band Underworld, but they denied all knowledge). If you have not made any progress on these issues by the time of the follow-up appointment, we may sadly be forced to contact the necessary authorities.

Yours sincerely,
Faithful Friend Vets Ltd.

1. The Boodlehound. Perhaps the only dog to have been bred specifically for a large bladder capacity, the boodlehound is approximately spherical and only needs to pee once every three days. As such, walking the boodlehound is a bit like entering the dog pee lottery, and it is advised to keep it away from places where an unusually large volume of urine would be a nuisance. It is also one of the few dog breeds which prefer to travel long distances by rolling rather than walking.
2. The Danish Rug. A dog bred to satisfy the requirements of people who are not really allowed to have a dog. The Danish Rug standard calls for the breed to closely resemble a thick, fluffy rug. One may then train the dog to lie very still in an unobtrusive place in the event of an unexpected house inspection. Unfortunately the Danish rug still yelps when stepped on; however, it is possible to hire a decorative human to pretend to lie on the rug to maintain the illusion, if you have advance notice of the requirement.
3. The Boinger Spaniel. This breed has fallen out of favour amongst those of us with ceilings of normal height. However, if you live in a house with unusually tall rooms and do not mind scrubbing dog prints off the ceiling, the Boinger Spaniel is a loving, faithful and unusually exuberant companion.
4. The Nether Hugbeast. The breed standard calls for a dog approximately the size of a small horse; with messy grey-black fur; huge snaggle teeth; sinister red eyes; a low, menacing growl; and the sincere belief that it is still a small snuggly puppy and can absolutely fit on your lap for a cuddle.
5. The Parperon. A spontaneous mutation, the original Parperon found fame as part of the act of one of the early fartistes. Subsequently, lovers of flatulence worldwide have managed to keep the Parperon genes alive with a careful selective breeding program. It is perhaps the only dog breed that can jet-propel a skateboard, and is of great use in clearing the room at parties.