Listing to Port

1. If you reach under your bathroom door, you may be able to extract a small brass handle recessed into its lower side. Closing the bathroom door and pulling the handle should enable you to open the door upwards instead of sideways, revealing a long dark chute leading down into the depths of the earth. This is the Sundries Disposal, a feature installed in most houses built after 1975 by order of the Global Mystical Court. Should mystical forces need, for whatever reason, to take over your house, the chute is intended to help them dispose of any of your fixtures and fittings that do not fit their taste or decorating requirements. We do not recommend venturing down the chute as it is our understanding that the goblins at the lower end did not agree to have avocado bathroom suites dropping on their heads at regular intervals and are somewhat irate about the matter.  
2. If you can get into the right dream, you should be able to find that door in your hallway; that is, the one that leads to the top floor of your house, the floor that is only there in dreams. The contents of this floor may vary, but do try to get in when the library is in residence. It has a fine collection of books that their authors only ever dreamed about. Sometimes that door leads to a lift instead. Do not, whatever the temptation, take the lift downwards below the bottom floor of your house.  
3. If you lever the skirting boards of your house away, you may sometimes be able to discover doors used by the little people. Whether these are readily discernible or not depends on just how little the little people in your house are, as well as how fast they are at removing doors. In some cases, doors used by the little people may also have been repurposed by use for the very little people. If you open a little people door to find a host of smaller doors behind it, it is likely that your house has very little people. Be sure to leave gin out for them in the summer, when they are in danger of evaporating.
4. Many sofas these days have vents into an alternative universe located at the far end of the crevice down the back of the seats. This is a hygienic measure, designed to save your living room from the unpleasant odours that can arise from crevice crumbs. If you take apart your sofa, you may be able to widen these vents into a passable orifice. This is one reason that sofa disassembly and recycling is usually recommended to be done by a qualified technician. The alternative universe is, however, rather nice at the time of year if you do not mind getting covered in crumbs.
5. If you remove all the doors in your house and put them in a big pile with some sexy music playing you can sometimes get them to mate. Be sure to provide any pregnant doors with a warm, safe and dark environment. Once they have whelped, the baby doors will distribute themselves around your house. Baby doors usually lead to cupboards, but you may often find one or two upstarts which open onto secret passages instead.
6. Is there a door in your house that you and all the other inhabitants and visitors have been ignoring? You know, because it leads into hell or has been enchanted by an evil fairy or is behind that elephant in your living room or something? Think really hard about this. Ignoringness is the sixteenth superpower and is tremendously hard to beat. However, if you can defeat it then you too can bask in the knowledge of the horrors lurking within the heart of your home. In fact, if you have an elephant in your living room it may well be standing there precisely so as to hide the door. Elephants do this a lot. It is part of their wider service to a world they love.

1. There is a small black door of rough wood that opens into the high-glamour halls of Faerie, the ones where fabulous beings dance all night in their masks and lace and finery, and once a month at midnight it unlocks itself and for an hour the dancers emerge on tiny silver chains. And the trapped ones are all blinking and wide-eyed and wondering where the last ten years went, and the other ones are staring hungrily at passers-by with their big yellow eyes. And after an hour a bell sounds and some great beast inside, slightly too far away to see clearly, starts the winch going to haul the chains back in. The odd thing about the chains is their fragility against the wider world; an untrapped human could melt them away just by breathing on them. But for some reason the wider world has always assumed that what is going on is some kind of goth club, and no-one has investigated further.
2. There is a door that leads to a world almost exactly like this one, except that in some key respects your life there has taken a different path. I do not know exactly what this door looks like, only that one may meet it a few times in a lifetime and that it bears a plate stating its nature and warning of the consequences of entering. Nobody remembers going through the door; your memories, too, switch to the shape of the new world. You have no way of knowing how your life in the other world differs from this one. Some people will always go through the door, and some people have never been, and some people will go only once. I do not know which of those you are.
3. There is a door, a white upvc door but it must be a door into some other world because if you go round the other side it’s a brick wall. And when you open it the world on the other side is oddly indistinct, as if what you are seeing is alien enough that your mind needs more time to make sense of it. People talk of a passageway or maybe an opening. Some say that it is white or that it is rapidly flickering between colours. Common to all accounts is the sense that there is something large on the other side that is moving towards the viewer very rapidly. And then you slam the door, and you spend a little time just breathing, and then you go home and dream about it for a few nights. And maybe, some years later, you talk about it. But by then you have forgotten where the door is or why you opened it in the first place.
4. There is a door to all the other worlds at once, a great area of cracked space like a smashed mirror in more dimensions than you care to count. Although it isn’t a door in the normal sense, it is a thing that offends the eye, and most worlds have tried to cover it up or wall it over. Some say it is the consequence of a great explosion between realities, far away in a world that does not exist in the normal sense any more, the runaway consequence of someone inexpertly tring to make doors. If you find it, I would not recommend going through. The open ways through to each individual world are tiny, far too small to fit a person. Every so often a gust of blood-smelling air emerges as someone passes into the cracks from some other world far off.
5. There is a door that you go through every day, into a world that is almost exactly like the one you were born in. The only difference between the worlds is some fact or other. It varies. Something like: the exact definition of ‘xylophone’, or the way that doctors deal with umbilical cords, or suchlike. It isn’t that you have trouble remembering which is the right version. It’s that some of the time you are living in a world where one version is true, and some of the time you are living in a world where the other version is true.