Listing to Port

1. Dragons live a long time, and there have never been very many of them. When a dragon is dying, other dragons - maybe most of the dragons that there are, these days - will travel to their cave and set up a vigil, purring low tunes through the day and night to ease their passage from this world. They live in fear of untimely death. Therefore the news of the dragon’s slaying - by one of the little creatures, no less - was greeted with shock and dismay by his community. That year the snow stayed on the mountains for much longer than usual, because the great grey dragons of the North were lying at the snowline and weeping and turning their cold breath up the slopes.
2. The remnants of the dark lord’s army made their way home, bitter in defeat, picked off from all sides by raiding parties from the victorious side. There was talk from the armies of good of marching on their lands and cleansing them of evil. They knew the end of the journey would not be a warm homecoming, but the telling of the bad news to their families. Then packing in the night and flight East, out to the wilderness where, with luck, they might never be found.
3. The kingdom was convulsed with joy at the marriage of the prince and princess. And if it turned out, a few months later, that the web of narrative and enchantment was not enough - that they did not really like each other, that a few heady days of adventure and revolution had not been a good preparation to make a life together - well. With the demise of the evil queen their advisors had worked hard to restore morality to the land. What sort of a message would it send to separate?
4. ‘Fucking fucksakes,’ said the farmer, 'how does that fox even eat so many birds at once?’
5. After the death of the witch, the gingerbread cottage began to rot. Soon there was nothing left but a pile of soggy cakestuff in a clearing, heaving with maggots. It was perhaps one rainstorm from being completely gone when the other members of the witch’s coven came to look. 'Did you know?’ they asked each other. 'Did she really do that? Will they believe us when we say we didn’t know? Are they going to come for us, too?’

1. On the left breast, you will see a large and obvious patch where a scale appears to be missing. This is a stick-on decoy patch designed to draw the efforts of dragon slayers away from the dragon’s other vulnerable points. Most dragons wear them these days. You will notice if I peel it back that the scales underneath it are completely intact.
2. You’ll also notice some gold marks on the belly. These are exactly what you’d expect. This dragon has spent some time sleeping on a hoard, likely of gold of relatively high purity and softness. Over time, pieces of gold have rubbed off on the belly surface as she’s rolled over or crawled back and forth. Don’t touch!
3. I believe these symmetrical scratches down both sides of the belly are probably mating marks, likely in the dominant position.
4. There are also some scratches on the upper sides, here. These look like rock scratches and probably indicate that the dragon has spent time living in a cave. They may also indicate that she has grown since first occupying the cave and may be looking to expand it.  
5. There is a scar of some kind extending down from the right wing base, possibly the result of a juvenile crash.
6. These scales here are a slightly yellower shade than the rest. I think this is a birthmark of some kind.
7. The dots, as you might expect, are arrow marks. Dragons get shot at a great deal.
8. This sticky stain on the top of the belly is probably custard. Dragons are notoriously fond of custard, and there have been a number of suspicious torchings of custard facilities recently. Note also the matching stains down the neck and left jaw.
9. If you look over there, under the left front leg, you can see a couple of pickaxes. It looks like someone (or several someones?) crossed the boundary between bravery and foolishness. As we might be said to be doing, of course.  
10. These faint scratches on the left side are actually the dragon equivalent of a tattoo. They show more conspicuously in the ultraviolet; this would be quite bright in dragon vision, whereas we are barely able to see it. Note also that what we can see appears to be crossed out. Maybe the dragon equivalent of a regrettable tattoo?
11. The small button-like protuberance at the right breast - see here? - is a flaw cover. Yes, dragons do in fact usually have a real flaw in their belly scales. In fact, a good flaw is often a kind of status symbol. No self-respecting dragon would venture near humans without covering it up with some kind of armour, though. This cover is actually harder than the dragon’s own scales.  
12. There is a small left-side white scar down here - can you see? This is likely a surgical mark. You will notice it’s almost directly above the dragon’s fire bladder, which is highly susceptible to infection and to the formation of cinder stones. Most probably this was for stone removal, which most dragons will have to get done at some point.
13. The ruby just below the base of the tail is probably deliberate and decorative, although it could be from hoard-sleeping again. May I remind you - DO NOT touch.
14. I think the purple smear down there is probably some kind of paint. They do have festivals, up in the Northern mountains. Of course humans who see them don’t tend to come back.
15. As you will notice, ladies and gentlemen, we are not in a custard factory but in a whisky distillery. And I believe the most recent stain here is from a large splash of whisky. Now, ladies and gentlemen, it will not have escaped your notice that a dragon in a distillery is a highly explosive situation. Nevertheless, I believe we have all learned something here today. It’s not often that one gets this close. Now let’s let her sleep it off, and retire to a safe distance.