Listing to Port

1. You journey into a parallel world just beside our own. Someone tells you that you are the only person who can save this world from disaster. It turns out that this is a thing that the inhabitants of that world find hilarious to say to inhabitants of your world, for some reason. You go home feeling a bit grumpy.
2. You journey into a parallel world just beside our own. It is quite nice. Sometimes you still go on holiday there, although generally only on day trips because of the difficulty of exchanging currency.
3. You journey into a parallel world just beside our own. At least you think you have. The two worlds are so similar that you cannot tell the difference. It is possible that the old woman operating the portal is a con artist.
4. You journey into a parallel world just beside our own. You meet the parallel-world version of yourself and sleep with them. You cannot decide if this counts as masturbation or not.
5. You journey into a parallel world just beside our own. It has a strain of influenza that is slightly different from our version. You bring it back into our world, causing a global epidemic that kills fifty million people.
6. You journey into a parallel world just beside our own. You discover a huge conspiracy by the cognoscenti to keep the parallel world secret, because you can get really good cakes there and nobody wants them to run out.
7. You journey into a parallel world just beside our own. The parallel world just beside our own also journeys into you. You become doomed to spend the next few billion years as an honorary universe. It is a little uncomfortable, but you think you might get used to it.
8. You journey into a parallel world just beside our own. It smells repulsive. You return to our world and warn the next person in the queue that they might not want to go in there.
9. You journey into a parallel world just beside our own. The inhabitants are charmed by your unusual skillset for a human and you get invited to all the best parties.
10. You have already journeyed into a parallel world just beside your own. You made the outbound trip somewhere around January 1, 2016. I would have thought you’d have noticed by now. There’s still time to go back, if you can find how you got in in the first place.

123 Quests
 -1123.1 In search of miscellaneous items
    –1123.11 Treasure
       —1123.111 Treasure with mystical powers
       —1123.112 Treasure with great social significance
       —1123.113 Treasure that will just make you rich
    –1123.12 Swords or other weapons
       —1123.121 Obtained from lakes or rivers
       —1123.122 Obtained from stones
       —1123.123 Obtained from weapons shop
    –1123.13 Food and drink
       —1123.131 Fountains of youth, beauty or pertness
       —1123.132 Fruits
          —1123.1321 Forbidden ones
          —1123.1322 Tasty ones
       —1123.133 Ice cream, chocolate or cookies
          —1123.1331 Those that are perfect
    –1123.14 Clothes, shoes or accessories
    –1123.15 Keys, remote controls and other miscellaneous items
 -1123.2 In search of people or other beings
    –1123.21 Gurus, messiahs or prophets
    –1123.22 Ordinary people just like you, the reader, who are the subject of mysterious prophecies
 -1123.3 In search of knowledge
    –1123.31 In search of Meaning
    –1123.32 In search of The Ineffable
       —1123.321 In which the questers failed to bring a large enough supply of effs
 -1123.4 In search of mystical powers
 -1123.5 In search of something you had all along
    –1123.51 In search of yourself
    –1123.52 The real treasure was the friends you made along the way
    –1123.53 The real treasure was your navel
       —1123.531 When you gaze into it your navel also gazes back
       —1123.532 The quest ends when all involved are accidentally sucked into a giant bellybutton
    –1123.54 Item was on your head all the time
 -1123.6 Quests to get rid of things
    –1123.61 In the ancient forge whence it was made
    –1123.62 In the appropriate recycling bin
 -1123.7 Unsuccessful quests
    –1123.71 The real treasure was NOT the friends you made along the way, actually everyone was kind of trying to kill you
    –1123.72 Desperate million-to-one hope inexplicably failed to come off

1. To take in hand the Fabled Sword of Truth and gird your loins with the Ancient Armour of Smriti the Dragonslayer; thus armed, to boldly step aboard the number 3 bus and take them to the local antique dealers; to get them evaluated for a quick sale in the hope of being able to pay this month’s rent.
2. To place the Ring of Power in the electricity meter, thus reaping a near-infinite but possibly evil supply of household energy.
3. To boldly venture into the cleft down the middle of a split infinitive, find a dilemma and cut off its horns.
4. To climb the rocky ridges of the Northern Mountains, find the golden dragon and slay it; take its hoard of nine thousand fabulous rubies; explain to the golden dragon’s children that it was a necessary act, as they weep acid tears and rend their scales; and represent your fraternity of adventurers in the international dragon court on charges of murder and theft.
5. To retrieve the fabled blade Sandwich-Cleaver from the ruins of the Great Picnic in That Field With The Bull In It.
6. To find somewhere to pee unobtrusively in the Kingdom of the Fairies.
7. To travel forwards through time at the rate of one second per second for the rest of your life.
8. To set sail on your reinforced steamship on a mission to the shopping malls of the seven seas, in search of the fabled Dress With Pockets That Can Be Machine-Washed.
9. To struggle across the Marshes of Despair, fight off eagles in the Red Mountains and stumble half-blindly over the Desert of Bones to get to the oasis wherein lies the Reliquary of the Elbow of Saint Constantine, only to find that there is a road to it from the other direction.

1012 Maps
 -1012.1 Maps of real places
    –1012.11 Those that are healthily populated with contour lines
       —1012.111 Those so thick with unclimbable contours they function more as wanderlust porn
    –1012.12 Those that show cities
       —1012.121 Those that show things under cities
          —-1012.1211 Those that show the awful things under cities that should not be, in all their eldritch batrachian glory
          —-1012.1212 Those of subway systems
       —1012.122 Those with trap streets
       —1012.123 Maps of one city which can be used perfectly adequately to naviagte a different city, the result being that the navigator arrives at a tiny, mysterious theatre populated by mice instead of the central station
    –1012.13 Maps used by long-lost explorers
       —1012.131 Maps which were directly responsible for the explorers being long-lost
       —1012.132 Great crinkly maps used as bedsheets by the snoring, farting ghosts of long-lost explorers
    –1012.14 Those that have been used to stop a bullet, and consequently have a singed hole on each fold
    –1012.15 Those made of twigs and leaves, dissolving into chaos at the next rain
    –1012.16 Those written on skin
 -1012.2 Maps of imaginary places
    –1012.21 Containing the post-Tolkien regulated quotas of friendly small towns, cities at war, evil empires, great forests, blasted wastelands and so forth  
    –1012.22 Additionally being surrounded by conveniently impenetrable mountains and the shores of vast oceans, in a rectangular shape of roughly the same dimensions as a paperback book
    –1012.23 A mysteriously blank, safe no-mans-land area additionally existing perfectly half-way across the kingdom in around the place that the page break through the centre of the map falls; this being a place that the troubled inhabitants can gather for a bit of pipe weed untroubled by blasted goblins
    –1012.24 Those having an inn at a crossroads where one may purchase stew and get into a fight
    –1012.25 Maps of imaginary places without stories to accompany them, other than those stories that arise from looking at the map
       —1012.251 Those which do have stories, but are better off without them
 -1012.3 Maps of items, people or concepts
    –1012.31 Maps on items, people or concepts
 -1012.4 Maps of mysteries and unknown things
    –1012.41 Treasure maps
       —1012.411 Having the necessary quota of palm trees, sharks and crosses
    –1012.42 Those that form part of great games
    –1012.43 Those that lead to the buried heart of some great deathless rogue of the fairy kingdom