Listing to Port

1. When you have grown an extra leg and the cost and inconvenience of getting jeans altered to fit it is too great
2. If the jeans are on fire
3. When jeans have become the symbol of a fascist uprising in your place of residence
4. If you are stranded on a desert island and you really need something to catch fish in and the only things you have to hand are your clothes
5. If you really need to take your clothes off, for example to wash them or have sex or something
6. If someone has drawn a map showing the way to the treasure on your jeans and you need to have a look at the bits that you can’t easily see by turning round
7. When you have become too old for wearing jeans, for example if you have outlived all of the world’s jeans factories and everyone else is now rocking space onesies or nudity

1. So hot right now! Washemoops - that shade of greyish pink that white things go when washed with black and red things that are not quite colourfast. Pair a washemoops shirt with tracksuit bottoms and bed head for the authentic early 2016 look. 

2. We’re loving pilling on cardigans and sweaters right now.

3. Try rocking black socks with red soles for that ‘just walked on a bleachy floor’ look.

4. For the truly daring, try trousers with split seams at the groin. Guaranteed to make you friends on the underground!

5. Spilled tomato sauce on yourself and it didn’t quite wash out? Congratulations, you’ve stumbled on 2016′s hottest trend: splat chic.