I wouldn't sail this ship if I were you
Dear Mr. Heracles,
We are pleased to inform you that the operation was successful. We removed from the dog’s (dogs’?) stomach the following items: one golden apple, toothmarks to upper side; piece of wooden club, rather splintered; aconite leaves; a large quantity of snake bones, too many to count; several handfuls of earth and stones; remnants of three dog collars, heavily chewed, bearing identical tags (‘Cerberus, if found please return to Underworld’); several laurel wreaths; some fragments of lion-skin; short length of chain, apparently made of adamant; three or four arrow shafts; a large hairball, appears to be wool from some sort of golden fleece; a belt; some cattle dung; and a rattle. We expect him to make a full recovery. Please note that we are still awaiting our agreed payment of one hundred cattle.
We regret to inform you, however, that we have some concerns about the treatment and training of your dog. It seems apparent that he is not offered much affection or exercise in his day-to-day life. He is rather fond of chasing snakes, which is a problem given that he persists in mistaking his tail for a snake (to be fair, so did we initially!). Additionally he seems to be fond of leg-humping, which I’m sure you will appreciate is also a problem given his size and threatening aspect. We recommend that he is given at least two long walks per day, and ideally that he also has a course of sessions with our in-house pet psychologist. He also needs to be microchipped. As I am sure you are aware, 'Underworld’ is not an adequate address and also appears to be that of a previous owner (we did contact the band Underworld, but they denied all knowledge). If you have not made any progress on these issues by the time of the follow-up appointment, we may sadly be forced to contact the necessary authorities.
Yours sincerely,
Faithful Friend Vets Ltd.