Listing to Port

Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: Never cross Santa. Santa has a long memory, deep and mysterious powers, and is pettily vindictive - witness his treatment of children who fail his behaviour test. He has copious free time in the non-Christmas period to pursue petty grudges. It doesn’t matter in what manner you cross him, you will regret it. Go ahead and cross ducks. If you cross a duck, it might quack at you. If you cross Santa, being shat on by a reindeer from 30000 feet will be the least of your troubles.

Q: What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
A: The police were uninterested in investigating such a minor crime, so he got away with it. As he consumed the remaining chocolates, he felt a deep sense of shame at what his life had come to.

Q. Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?
A. Because they are trees.

Q. What do you call a cat in the desert?
A. Tiddles? Tiddles? Please come here, Tiddles. I didn’t mean to let you out. Oh god, that rattlesnake is not a toy.

Q. What does Santa do with misbehaving elves?
A. He fires them, leaving them without a job just before Christmas, which is the only time of year that elves can reliably get work. Many elves who are fired by Santa have to turn to crime to support their families. Never cross Santa.

Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. Interestingly, this is often where elves who have been fired end up. As soon as the staff go home for the night, they make off with the contents of the store cupboard, safe in the knowledge that the theft will not be discovered until after the holiday season.

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. The turkey lived on the opposite side of the road to a polling station where a referendum on Christmas was being held. Sadly, the turkey’s journey was wasted as only humans were eligible to cast ballots.

Q. How can tell if Santa has been in your shed?
A. Santa is often caught short on his rounds, but the rumour that he visits unlocked sheds to relieve himself is not true. Usually he goes off the side of his sleigh when transiting between populated areas.

Q. What might Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
A. Death.

Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Good King Wenceslas was assassinated in the year 935. If he remains sufficiently functional to like pizza, we can only conclude that he has been raised from the dead for some reason, possibly as part of the zombie apocalypse. Let us not chat about the horrors he consumes upon a thin layer of bread. We need to get to the shelter, and quickly.

I used to have an elephant,
Her toes were cherry red.
I went out picking cherries but
I picked her out instead.
I said her hiding place was bad
And now she had been busted;
She said it was a better place than
Fridges, cars and custard.

She brought a mighty eletrunk
In which she stuffed her stuff.
My children asked me ‘Are you sure
Our sofa’s big enough?
And tell us, why is she so grey,
So wrinkly beside?
Should she be washed and ironed?’
'Forget it’, I replied.

Then next I thought Her Elephance
Could prove a lesson for
A group of seven blind men
who were waiting at the door.
'I’ve something here for you to feel,
Pray tell me what each finds!’
'That’s nice,’ they said, 'Now, if you please,
Where should we put these blinds?’

One day she went a-wandering
In search of some lost shore.
Two whales in a mini picked
Her up on the M4.
They called me on the Elephone
From somewhere North of Gower.
What was she doing there?’ I asked.
'About 5 miles an hour.’

At last I found the perfect home
For elephants at large;
Some friends of mine became her hosts
(She promised not to charge).
They kept her in their living-room
Behind the sofa-bed.
'Why, thank you!’ said my thoughtful friends.
'Don’t mention it’, I said.