Listing to Port

1. Quing Rowan I, 2199-2240. Quing Rowan was the first of England’s monarchs to refuse to declare an official gender, declaring the issue to be none of the public’s business. Constitutional experts were forced to invent a new gesture, the burtsey (half bow and half curtsey), for suitably submissive subjects to perform in the presence of the Quing. The black tie ballsuits of their reign were particularly impressive, and much copied in later eras.
2. King Mohamed I, 2281 - 2290. This was the point at which the print edition of the Daily Mail (briefly revived by a fashion for being seen in public with a newspaper tucked in each of one’s voluminous pockets) became so consumed by bile and rage that, over the course of coronation day, every single copy spontaneously combusted. Although the oddly vomit-smelling fires were easily ectinguished, a number of pockets were severely damaged and the paper’s fortunes never recovered.  
3. Queen Cake I, 20 January 8920 - 24 January 8920. The first of a dynasty of short-lived monarchs, Queen Cake was the initial beneficiary of changes to the rule of succession that gave the previous ruler the power to indicate their desired successor by a wave of the hand, if close to death and without an obvious heir. Although some commentators have suggested the wave in question was more of a flail, gesture reconstruction technology confirmed that it was definitely directed towards a packet of jaffa cakes. Queen Cake I sadly began to go hard shortly after coronation, and was deposed in favour of Queen Cake II, the second cake in the packet. By Queen Cake XII, the English treasury had been entirely emptied of funds for coronations and a state of emergency was declared by the parliament of the day, who brought in a further change to the rule of succession allowing the object at the right hand of the expiring monarch to assume power in the case of no designated heir. Queen Cake XII was succeeded by King Chair I, whose reign of three hundred years was a relative utopia of peace and prosperity.
4. Queen Xargon I, 3601-3877. Following an unfortunate incident in which the poorly-briefed Xinjiang ambassador sat on King Chair, irreparably breaking him, constitutional experts decided to return to the historical succession, eventually identifying a distant descendant of Edward III as the true heir. Queen Xargon, as she was dubbed, was unfortunately in cryosleep around Jupiter at this point in preparation for launch in a generation ship to Kepler-186f. The entire resources of the English space program were diverted to the launch of the Britannia, a space clipper designed to retrieve the monarch and bring her home. After a few hundred years and a series of daring scrapes, the mission was eventually successful and the sleeping queen was duly brought home for a slow thaw. She was crowned in 3869 and rather confusedly reigned for a further eight years. This incident is more widely known in the future as the reason that Kepler 186-f has no New London, unlike every other planet colonised by humans.  
5. King England I, 3878-29788. Following the death of Queen Xargon, a cadre of frustrated republicans managed to obtain a legal judgment that the entire country should succeed her to the throne. After a brief but intense period of argument over interpretation, the physical geography of England was declared the monarch. King England I was unavoidably present at its symbolic coronation, in which a crown was lowered onto the ruins of Westminster Abbey by a gilded crane, to the accompaniment of a brief medley of Gilbert and Sullivan songs. King England I was also able to be present at every village fete, hospital opening and state dinner, and was generally considered to be rather good value as a monarch. Its reign ended in 29788 when the great flood of Northumbria and the secession of the Lake District archipelago finally did away with the English state other than as a virtual entity.