Listing to Port

Dear relative, whose angry screeds
I get to read on social media;
I know the ways we disagree
Could fill a full encyclopaedia,
But now we meet on Christmas Day
It’s time to put aside critiques
And share this time with love and joy.
I got your dog this toy. It squeaks.

I choose my gifts with thought and care.
I know how much you love that pup -
I’m sure that her infectious joy
As merrily she chews it up
Will fill you full of Christmas pep.
What’s more, I’m sure the coming weeks,
The dawning of our brand new year
Will also fill with joy and squeaks.

Now, dog toys often break, it’s true.
I choose my gifts with thought and care.
So something I considered well
Is making sure this toy will wear
As little as a toy can do.
I used a shop I truly trust
To tooth-proof up the rubber, and
Make sure the squeaker is robust.

Another thing that makes dogs sad
Is when their toys get stuck up high.
I choose my gifts with thought and care.
I do not want your dog to cry.
I asked the shop I got it from
To make some very minor tweaks.
When activated by a bark,
It bounces down to make more squeaks.

A marvel of technology!
But what if it were shut somewhere  
Inside a cupboard, or a bin?
I choose my gifts with thought and care.
This toy is proofed against that fate:
It has a smell that dogs adore
To help your dog to dig it out
And squeak and squeak and squeak it more.

So pass the sprouts, dear relative.
It’s time to raise our glasses high.
And then some pudding, don’t you think?
What’s that, you say? A gift? Oh my.
You choose your gifts with thought and care.
I’m pleased to hear you have on order
A loving present for my daughter:
The Child’s First Extra-Loud Recorder.

1. The tooth fairy. Perhaps the most benign of her fairy cohort, the tooth fairy will pay 20p or more per tooth, if left in a suitable place where it can be collected unobserved. It is important to the tooth fairy to collect unobtrusively because her main clients are small children. Having collected and installed spare teeth for several centuries, she has rather a lot of teeth. Small children who don’t yet fully math may not anticipate quite how many teeth. The risk of a negative PR event is thus rather high and the tooth fairy has been advised by multiple fairy consultants to avoid face-to-face meetings with clients.
2. The bicycle fairy. The bicycle fairy also collects unobtrusively, mainly because she is technically breaking the law. As with the tooth fairy, she is only licensed to collect when the item for collection is under a pillow. Unlike the tooth fairy, she carries a pillow around in her backpack. She is also careful to leave 20p behind, although most people who come back to their bicycle to find it gone do not bother to pick the 20p up. It is believed that she eats some of the bicycles; the others are donated to whichever fish are able to ignore them most impressively.
3. Perhaps surprisingly there actually is a bin fairy. She can be summoned by throwing a pillow in the bin. The bin fairy will remove the pillow, the contents of the bin, the bin itself and occasionally some of the surrounding structural material. In return, she will leave seventy pounds in Arcturan hypermoney. This is perhaps not the bargain it sounds like; Arcturan hypermoney is made from miniature crocodiles and has been known to chew on the fingers of the unwary. She is believed to be constructing some kind of vast space structure out of bins in an intergalactic void somewhere. Its purpose is unknown.
4. The morals fairy deals in more intangible objects. She can usually be found exchanging sums up to and including several million pounds for human qualities such as dignity, honesty and self-respect (as well as more concrete items such as secrets, lies, compromising videos and the like). Unlike the other fairies, she does not adhere to the pillow rule and is perfectly happy to do a deal under a hat instead. After taking the secrets and lies through a milking parlour to comprehensively squeeze them, she is believed to grind up the residue and smoke it; this accounts for the peculiarly acrid smell which accompanies her.

Sleigh bells in the darkness, when the wolf leaves your door, success in a game of riddles, the small victory that follows a huge defeat, the sight of a great city from above, selective forgetting, refinding the path in the woods, people standing up for each other, the sight of the dragon’s slickly glistening weak spot, signposts in the mist, when the new planet has a breathable atmosphere, warm laughter heard through a distant window, small creatures with soft bellies, forgiveness, the kindness of strangers, geese arriving from the South, the opening of a mysterious box after some considerable time, joyous singing of no discernable origin, having a plan.

1. Number boffins have shown that over 90% of interview time is devoted to the front of interviewees’ heads. You can improve your coverage by allocating 50% of interview time to the back of their heads instead.
2. Always strive to give a voice to the voiceless, a name to the nameless and a bottom to the bottomless. In the specific case of bottoms, always make sure to provide both buttocks equally. Otherwise the formerly-bottomless may end up leaning too far to the left or right when they sit.
3. Increase balance by carrying out all panel interviews on a large square board which is precariously balanced on a central column above a pit full of wet sharks. Mark one side of the board with gradations from authoritarian to libertarian, and the other with gradations from economic hard-left to economic hard-right. Interviewees must stand on the position on the board corresponding to their political views. Unbalanced panels will be literally eaten alive, although you may run the risk of ending up with a large number of newly-converted centrists who are hugging each other and crying.
4. Why not increase coverage across the veracity spectrum by having one interviewee who always lies and one who always tells the truth? You may ask one question. This will allow more time for advertising.
5. Never forget to devote equal screen time to the existential horror point of view, perhaps by getting a representative from the void to come on screen and howl for a few minutes.

1. Seretse’s chameleon. Have you ever seen a Seretse’s chameleon? No? Research shows that at least 78.3% of rooms in non-Arctic regions harbour at least one. Unlike normal chameleons, Seretse’s chemeleon can change shape and texture as well as colour to resemble nearby objects. If you have ever found a small object to be oddly non-functional at one use but fully operational later on, you may have been using a Seretse’s chameleon. They are also commonly implicated in situations where objects are confusingly not where you left them last.
2. Mrs. Ursula Flores, an Ecuadorean spy who started out as a double agent, rapidly became a triple agent and subsequently became an multiple agent of such a high degree that a new diplomo-mathematical notation had to be invented to describe her. Mrs. Flores once spent fifteen months as a hatstand in the pursuit of a particularly sensitive piece of information. One of her signature moves is to disguise herself as a disguise, enabling her to spy on other spies with impunity. For example, she can do an extremely convincing imitation of a large overcoat. Her collection of fake beards with microphones in is particularly admired by those who like that sort of thing.
3. Captain Beard. Captain Beard, who is emphatically one of those people who likes that sort of thing, is said to have studied under Mrs. Flores during her days as a chandelier in the Dominican Republic. He is said to be the first to have applied the diguisory arts to piracy, primarily by costuming himself as articles of treasure and then counter-robbing those who come to loot him. Captain beard can sometimes be distinguished by his bread. Do not loot treasure that has a beard. It will not end well.
4. The Bananas. The Bananas (not to be confused with bananas) are an alien race who have chosen to use the closest available Earth-vocalisation to their own name for themselves as their name on this planet. They are approximately 5 millimetres tall and usually travel in saucer-type ships approximately resembling pizza bases. After an initial Earth reconnaissance period, they decided to use this resemblance to aid them in infiltrating the planet’s cities. Banana ships are therefore frequently topped with cheese and pepperoni and sent to collect information from restaurant patrons. If you have ever had trouble ordering a pizza from a pizza delivery emporium, it may be that you unwittingly discovered a secret Banana base. Interestingly, Banana ships are cloaked on the underside so that humans looking up cannot see them passing overhead. However, it is sometimes possible to view what appear to be flying pizzas from above making their way between assignments if you are viewing a city from a tall building or an aeroplane.
5. Professor Grace Wu. Professor Wu is an expert in psychology whose research on human attention led to her devising a novel methodology for winning at hide and seek. Instead of hiding herself, Professor Wu arranges objects and people in her general vicinity such that something else nearby is always more noticeable. After more than three hundred straight wins in the World Hide and Seek League, Professor Wu was fired from her academic job for frivolity. In retaliation, she hid her entire university, leading to a 25% drop in admissions. Professor Wu has not been found since 1985, but is probably somewhere.
6. The hermit turtle. The world’s smallest turtle species, the hermit turtle does not have its own shell but instead uses everyday objects as shells and hiding places. It is most notable for hollowing out the insides of chocolates and hiding inside them. However, it finds the insides of chocolate boxes boring and usually wanders off before it finds itself in danger of being eaten. This is why the chocolates keep disappearing.

Drizzle, failsnow, bird lubrication, leaky skybath, wetting, precipitation, tinkling it down, shower, calling the clouds to come home to the sea, dragon wee, a visit from the mobile mud factory, doing that wet thing, sogging, cloud vomit, the dawn of the gadget apocalypse, invitations to the snail party, underwhelming, turning on the Scotland Simulator, mandatory washtime, liquid sunshine, enchanting wetsplat, water prison break, monsoon, cloudburst, tree drink, torrents, h-two-go, homeopathic sky noodles, the minnow space programme phase 1, puddle generation, bucketing, regional moistening, locking up the water cycle against the rack of earth, unmuggifying, post-cumulus drip, coming down in stairrods, the sky god’s clammy handshake, drip diving, dedessication, bedragglementification, an impromptu round of roof-drumming, deluge, sky piddle, storm, gravity water, the tears of angels watching over Earth’s reckless onion-chopping, a good sousing, drop pogo, cats and dogs out there, rain.

1. The penguin. You show your interest in someone by bringing them tokens of affection, such as pebbles. You expect your lover to fashion these tokens of affection into a rudimentary nest and lay eggs in it. There are never any eggs. Your love life is perpetually disappointing.
2. The bonobo. You show your interest in someone by having sex with them. This is also how you express excitement, boredom or an interest in reconciliation. As you get to know someone better, you express your continued affection for them by continuing to have sex with them. Truly special partners may get priority spots in your busy sexing schedule.
3. The fish. You show your interest by following someone around, waiting for them to leave some eggs behind. Why are there never any eggs? You spend a lot of time drinking and commiserating with penguins. Actually, you spend a lot of time drinking in general. Occasionally, you are arrested for wanking over discarded shopping trolleys.
4. The panda. You dislike embarking on relationships without an extreme level of logistical support, including a team of scientists devoted to monitoring your hormone levels and full documentation of each introduction to a potential partner. If these conditions are fulfilled, you show affection by tolerating your potential partner and not eviscerating anyone with your giant claws.
5. The cat. You show your interest in someone by pointedly ignoring them, unless they have food. As you get to know and trust someone you will slowly progress to a more sociable, casual level of ignoring them. When you are truly comfortable in someone’s presence you will sit on their sofa and lick your anus, occasionally fixing them with a sharp stare.

1. They say everyone has a skeleton or two in their closet. Me too. I have two. It’s quite a big closet. It has some dresses in that I quite like to wear. But I can’t, because there are two skeletons in there and they’re not too pleased with me and they’d rather like to come out. So I guess I’m out for the cost of the dresses as well as all the parking fees.
2. How did it come to this? Well, it started at the picket line. I was doing pickup at the hospital. Lots of pickups at the hospital, these days. Which is a bit of a problem, because, as I mentioned, parking. Not only are the charges horrendous, but I’m paid in a different currency. If you see what I mean.
3. Anyway, the picket line was still there. I think there’s been someone at it every day since I started this job. Sometimes security try to move them on, but usually they just let them be. Generally the ambulances, and everyone else for that matter, use the back entrance when they’re around. You can see their point. It is kind of uncomfortable. Which suits me down to the ground. My fee gets reduced for every minute beyond optimum pickup time I’m late, so having a non-crowded entrance is just fine.
4. Maybe it was a bit stupid of me to go right past them. I don’t know. I thought my rights were pretty clear. They’re not allowed to harm me, and if they’re a bit pissed off that I’m doing their old jobs, well. A girl’s gotta live, you know? I need it more than they do. And on the way in it was fine. I had the equipment stowed away. I walked straight in. I was on the ward a full minute early.
5. The first pickup was straightforward. I mean, some people have emotional problems with it. There’s even a support section in the app where you can chat with others and there are calming exercises to do and stuff. But I’ve always been fine. But then, when I’m packing the equipment away, I see the guy in the next bed. And it’s clear he’s going to go soon, as well.
6. The thing is, I’m saving up for a holiday. I got about five hours for the first pickup, but I need well over twenty-four per day if I’m going to take a week off. The last time I spoke to my doctor he said my case was amazing, that every time he saw me I looked like I had a couple of months left. I guess I’m going to have to tell him soon what I do for a living. But anyway, I need at least that amount of buffer or I’ll get too ill to do pickup. Game over. So having a holiday means earning at a higher rate for a bit.
7. So I look round. Nobody to notice. No cameras that I can see. Then I take the other guy’s pillow and gently put it over his face. He doesn’t even struggle. I have my phone out, so when the alert for an urgent pickup at the hospital comes up, I’m right there. I’ve even got the equipment ready. Urgent pickup is ten extra hours of life, credited straight to my account. Score!
8. Except then I look up and see one of them at the window. I’m never quite sure what to call them. Deaths? Except that now the job’s been contracted out, they don’t actually do anything. We collect the souls. They picket the hospital. They don’t even need to eat or sleep, so I guess they’re just out there all the time. There are lots of different types, but we mostly get the skeleton ones. This was one of the skeleton ones. And it had definitely seen me.
9. Can they talk to the police? Would the police even listen? I don’t know, but I got out of there as fast as I could. Out of the back entrance, of course. But my car was round by the front. So I waited a few hours. Long enough for them to lose interest? Long enough to run up an amazing parking bill, certainly. I thought I’d got away with it. I got as far as home thinking I’d got away with it.  But they must have spotted me and followed because two of them came round the corner as I was unlocking the door.  One of them got a foot in before I could slam it and in a panic I ran to hide in the closet. As I said, it’s a big closet. They came in looking for me, I ran out and shut it. I was never quite sure why it had a lock but wow, I was pretty thankful it did.
10. So that’s my skeletons. They do bang and rattle at night a bit, but you get used to it. Anyway, I don’t do hospital pickups any more and so my rate’s gone down. Probably no holiday for a while. Don’t know what the doctor’s going to say next time he sees me. Still, where there’s life there’s hope, eh?

June 2016: Don’t listen to experts
December 2016: Facts don’t exist
June 2017: Law is a liberal conspiracy
December 2017: For too long we have valued rigorous training and education over common sense and believing that it can’t be too hard can it, for example when choosing who gets to fly the plane
June 2018: Science is a cult and also totally to blame for all the plane crashes
December 2018: Was gravity the first great hoax?
June 2019: (Nobody can be reached for comment as the entirety of humanity has floated off into space)

1. When the night has a thousand eyes but it still refuses to help you find your keys even though it can almost certainly see them somewhere.
2. When you fall into the trench from which trenchcoats are mined and although your fall is somewhat cushioned it’s been a bumper year at the trenchcoat refinery so it’s going to take you a while to climb out again and meanwhile someone is doing crime somewhere.  
3. When there has been an unfortunate mix-up between dames (female) and dames (pantomime) and as a result some slapstick comedy memes have started following you around with a tuba and it’s become nearly impossible to sneak a moody smoke on a street corner.
4. When you are trying to escape a sketchy, shady past, which is a problem because past you has a time machine and keeps on pinning up sketches and occasionally erecting sunshades around your dive bar habitat.
5. When you attempt to make the streets of this dirty old town less mean by stripping them of all meaning, leaving residents of the town confused as to why there are senselessly flat paved areas all over the place.