Listing to Port

Cats in the dark, serenity, dodo eggs, a good heart, the truth, the sort of little tiny vital screws without which bits of your gizmo will forever be popping off, the right muse, the spoons, that toy that you saw five minutes ago, anything that you cannot phone, treasure, successful chameleons, a suitable stick to put the moon on that is long enough and not so pointy that it will leave an unsightly hole for future generations to mythologise, anything that is actually where you left it last, the motivation, things that have popped out of existence for a quick break but will totally be back shortly, masters of disguise, things the dog ate, absolute silence, ghosts, things that are behind or under other hard-to-find objects, your way, the world’s smallest violin, elephants that are in the fridge or a tree or your living room, lost worlds, time.

Down the back of the sofa, in the attic, behind the radiator, in your other trousers, should we get the cat x-rayed, it’s stuck to the ceiling, under the sofa, was it real to start with or just a concept, did you eat it, did I eat it, left it at the shops, it’s inside the big bag of other bags, disintegrated into dust, in the undergrowth, in the toilet, under your hat, it’s where you left it, you’ll find out when the postcard arrives, let’s retrace our route, in the fruit bowl, where the ransom note says it is, try your coat pocket, behind the bookcase, in your suitcase, in the baby, stolen, sold it, you’re holding it, in the freezer, behind the cheese, have you seen youtube it’s now in Greece, look in the first place you looked again, have you tried phoning it, it’s behind your ear.

1. Aethelbert’s Torr. This is a negative tower, that is to say, it reaches down into the earth rather than up into the sky, and it is of great antiquity. It is most often encountered in dreams, in various forms. The most common is the dream-trope of a familiar building with extra structures, in this case the extension of a staircase or lift shaft down into the earth beyond its usual limits. Aethelbert’s Torr is thought to have originally been associated with dreams of barrows and mortuary houses, but has diversified into many other forms over the many years of its existence. However, there generally remains a suggestion that something dead may be in its unusual depths.  
2. The Tower of Dornock’s Drift. This otherwise-unremarkable tower has been noted as standing on cliffs overlooking the sea in several old chronicles. When cross-referenced, however, it is notable that at least ten different cliffs are mentioned; and no tower, or remains, are visible at any of those locations. There also remains a curious account of a hermit at Beachy Head that the tower was seen to rise into the sky on a pillar of flame on New Year’s Eve, but had returned the next day.
3. The Necessity Lighthouse. The necessity lighthouse is an odd enigma. It only appears in moments of uttermost darkness; although some of its features seem to suggests that it was intended to appear to those on states of deep spiritual or emotional trouble, it has only been observed in literal states of lightlessness. Thus those in trouble in caves, shuttered rooms at night, or in some cases out on very cloudly nights have occasionally seen its distant beams. Its appearance has also been reproduced in the laboratory in a specially-designed light-free chamber. There are thus some who hypothesise that the necessity lighthouse is in fact just an illusion caused by the eye’s reaction to complete darkness. Less well known is that the subject of the lighthouse experiment claimed to have been able to approach the lighthouse and walk round it, noting the phrase ‘You can do this’ in purple paint around its lower levels. The subject was not observed to move during the experiment.
4. Many examples of clocks featuring elaborate automata, donated by Western emissaries during the Qing dynasty, may be seen in the hall of Clocks in the Forbidden City in Beijing. Less well-known is the Clockwork Tower, a somewhat over-elaborate but fully-inhabitable mechanical tower with many fascinating automatic features. It is thought to have been a gift from a rather over-enthusiastic Venetian noble in 1760. As well as extending, in a not-at-all-phallic way, from three stories to seven at the push of a button, the clockwork tower was also able to scuttle sideways on ten mechanical legs. Observers described it as looking a little like a top-heavy crab. Unfortunately, one day it managed to scuttle right out of beijing and was never seen again. One assumes it must be hiding out somewhere in the Chinese countryside.

Heart’s Ease, 1596

A pair of twins, Diana and Francisca, are separated at birth when the ship they are travelling in is wrecked. Diana is found on the shore by Antonio, a servant to the Duke of Milan, and is brought up in the Ducal household. Here she attracts the eye of Lorenzo, the Duke’s heir. To flee his unwelcome attentions, she dresses as a boy and rides out to the country, where she enters the service of Silvio, a mysterious gentleman who is searching for treasure. Meanwhile, Francisca is brought up as a shepherdess by Balthazar, a humorous shepherd. Antonio heads after Diana, but is forced by a storm to lodge with Balthazar overnight. Francisca spies on Lorenzo from the hayloft and, in a famous speech, waxes lyrical on his manly beauty. The next day, Lorenzo catches up with Diana and observes her new-found devotion to Silvio. Catching her alone, Lorenzo threatens to reveal Diana’s disguise to Silvio unless she sleeps with him. Weeping, Diana flees out onto the moor where she falls into a pit. Francisca, who is out rescuing sheep that have been stranded by the storm, rescues Diana. To maintain her disguise, Diana flirts awkwardly with Francisca, but Francisca confesses that she is already in love with Silvio and cannot love another. Diana tells Francisca that she can arrange for her to marry Silvio, despite her low birth. Then she goes to Silvio and tells him that she will sleep with him, but they must be married first, and that due to her extreme modesty she must be veiled during the marriage and couple in darkness. Needless to say, Francisca is substituted during the event. Meanwhile, Silvio encounters Balthazar on the moor and is intensely irritated by the shepherd’s weak puns. When Balthazar  mentions that he found Francisca in a shipwreck, Silvio realises that Francisca may be one of the long-lost daughters of his master, the Duke of Florence, and that the treasure he seeks may be in the shipwreck. Both daughters, he says, shared a star-shaped mark on their upper arm. Diana, realising that she is Francisca’s lost twin, reveals her disguise and origins. Francisca and Lorenzo arrive and it is confirmed that Francisca also shares the mark. Silvio and Diana return to Florence to be married, whilst Balthazar delives a final humorous monologue about love.

Richard I, 1596

A heavily-fictionalised account the life of Richard I. The first act covers his conquest of Cyprus, ending with his marriage to Berengaria of Navarre. In the second and third acts a rather brief account of the Third Crusade is given, with Saladon as the main antagonist. The rest of the play covers Richard’s shipwreck at Aquileia, capture by Leopold V, ransom and eventual release. The play is mainly notable for a lengthy speech by a random soothsayer, foretelling the ascent to the throne of Elizabeth I and prophesying that she will be basically the best ruler ever.

Pastime with Good Company, 1611

Three sets of twins arrive in Venice at the start of the Carnival season. Lucio and Roderigo have entered into a drunken bet that they will dress as women; both will try to win the hearts of carnival-goers, and they will meet at the end of the day to judge who has been most successful. Meanwhile, Helena and Maria have dressed as each other in order to circumvent some rather complicated legalese related to an inheritance. Unfortunately, since they are identical twins, no-one has yet noticed. Meanwhile Claudio, who is the rightful Duke of Padua in disguise, and Lucetta, his twin sister, are fleeing the usurpation of the Dukedom by Liono. Arriving in Venice, Claudio sees Roderigo dressed as a girl and pretends to be immediately smitten, although in reality he wishes to woo her in order to keep an eye on Lucio, who he suspects of being Liono’s maidservant. Roderigo, playing along with the conceit, agrees to wed Claudio and preparations are made for a wedding banquet that evening.  Claudio orders Maria, who he believes to be a local baker, to construct an enormous cake. Helena, who has dressed as Maria dressed as a boy in the hope of attracting notice to her disguise, is approached by Lucetta, who suggests that, given her dainty resemblance to a girl, she should dress as one to mess with Claudio. Meanwhile, Maria pretends to have taken poison and dies, for no readily apparent reason. Roderigo, who is distraught at this happenstance, having fallen in love with her when they shared a brief exchange of puns earlier, attempts to fling himself from the Campanile. However, he is inexplicably saved by falling into Claudio’s enormous cake, which is passing by underneath on its way to be delivered. Meanwhile, Liono, who has also ridden to Venice, delivers a passionate speech about his decision to abandon the other Thundercats for a life of evil, whereupon Maria punches him and he falls in the canal. After a scene of heated discussion, everyone agrees that this is all so confusing they should just go for a beer, pick lots as to who marries who, and then go home.

Thy Mother, 1587

Little is known about this early comedy, which is probably for the best.

0800 Lost things
 -0800.1 Recently lost
    –0800.23 Mittens
       —0800.231 Mittens placed on walls, railings and gates by helpful passers-by
    –0800.24 Stuffed bears, dogs and bunnies
       —0800.241 Those that are found again, to great joy
       —0800.242 Those that are not
          —-0800.2422 Those that are lost in airports at the start of a long journey
       —0800.243 Those that might have been found again, or might have been replaced by a duplicate, you are never quite sure
    –0800.25 Things that you know you put down just a moment ago
       —0800.251 Items that are in fact still on your person somewhere and obvious to a hypothetical bystander
       —0800.252 Items which you need to find to be able to find them
          —-0800.2521 Glasses
          —-0800.2522 Cups of coffee
 -0800.2 Long lost
    –0800.21 The subject of intense nostalgia
       —0800.211 Things for which the nostalgia does not align with the original reality
       —0800.212 The subject of sepia-tinted documentaries
    –0800.27 Things after the death of the last person who remembers them directly
    –0800.28 Things after the death of the last person who has heard the truth of them
    –0800.29 Things that have passed even out of story and rumour
 -0800.3 Things that are not lost, but know perfectly well where they are
    –0800.31 Things that are hiding
    –0800.32 Things that are mistaken about their location
       —0800.323 Confident walkers in mazes
 -0800.4 Things under sofa cushions
    –0800.41 Remote controls, keys and pens
    –0800.42 Food, dust and buttons
    –0800.43 Other sundry items
    –0800.44 Things that have passed into the main body of the sofa
       —0800.444 Things that are so valuable they require the dismantling of the sofa to retrieve
 -0800.5 That are the subject of humorous asides
    –0800.51 Marbles
       —0800.511 Literal marbles
    –0800.52 Virginity
       —0800.523 May or may not be lost, depending on whether a specific act counts or not
 -0800.6 Appetites, desires and dreams
 -0800.7 Cities, civilisations, treasure, ships, aeroplanes, etc.
    –0800.72 That in fact never existed in the first place
    –0800.73 Rumoured location is covered in dense jungle
    –0800.74 Rumoured location is under the sea
 -0800.8 Memories
    –0800.81 Of which only a ghost remains
       —0800.811 Memories that itch maddeningly at your thoughts when you smell a particular smell
       —0800.812 Things that you know you once knew
       —0800.813 Things that other people know you once knew