Listing to Port

8440 Mythical Beasts
 -8440.1 Those that appear like normal beasts, but with some special power or feature
    –8440.11 Those that can speak
       —8440.111 Those who can be found dispensing choice wisdom to travellers who look a bit like protagonists
       —8440.112 Those who speak or sing only when unobserved
          —8440.1121 Those whose capture is the key to untold powers
          —8440.1122 Those whose capture leads only to melancholy
    –8440.12 Those that are unusually shaggy
       —8440.121 Those whose mythical power is largely based around avoiding shearers and/or hairdressers
    –8440.13 Those appearing only in mirrors
    –8440.14 Those holding up the sun, moon or sky, ferrying the dead, or employed in other god stuff
        –8440.141 These who could really do with better pay and conditions given that they get all the god responsibilities without any of the god benefits like smiting and worship
    –8440.15 Those that are unusually attractive
    –8440.16 Those who began their lives as entirely usual creatures, but had the misfortune to be swept up in someone else’s story and get all mythologised
    –8440.17 Those that hang around the makers of myths, moving small objects around, snuffing out lights and generally performing the more quotidian sort of miracle in the hope of being noticed
 -8440.2 Those that are scaly or flappy
    –8440.21 Those that are born in fire
       —8440.211 Those that additionally sneeze, fart or perspire fire
    –8440.22 Things that are driven from villages with pitchforks
 -8440.3 Those that have an unusual number of something
    –8440.31 Heads
    –8440.32 Legs, limbs, tentacles, protrusions or similar
    –8440.33 Eyes, ears, teeth and suchlike
    –8440.34 those that might rather be termed collectors
    –8440.35 Mythical beasts of porn
 -8440.4 Those that are part one animal and part another animal
    –8440.41 Part animal and part human
       —8440.411 Those in which the top or front part is human
          —8440.4111 Those where the human part has to keep telling the animal part to sit
       —8440.412 Those in which the back or bottom part is human
          —8440.4121 Cases where this arrangement runs counter to expectations, e.g. landfish or giant ants with buttocks
       —8440.413 Those who are arranged some other way
    –8440.42 Part animal and part some other animal
    –8440.43 Part human and part some other human
       —8440.431 Frankenstein’s monster
 -8440.5 Those that are of an unusual size
 -8440.6 Those that appear in the metamyths that mythical beasts pass amongst themselves when gathered around certain special fireplaces
 -8440.7 Those of a vegetable nature
 -8440.8 Those normally living in the deep oceans, the poles, the upper atmosphere, in space, or in the human brain

Dear Mr. Heracles,
                We are pleased to inform you that the operation was successful. We removed from the dog’s (dogs’?) stomach the following items: one golden apple, toothmarks to upper side; piece of wooden club, rather splintered; aconite leaves; a large quantity of snake bones, too many to count; several handfuls of earth and stones; remnants of three dog collars, heavily chewed, bearing identical tags (‘Cerberus, if found please return to Underworld’); several laurel wreaths; some fragments of lion-skin; short length of chain, apparently made of adamant; three or four arrow shafts; a large hairball, appears to be wool from some sort of golden fleece; a belt; some cattle dung; and a rattle. We expect him to make a full recovery. Please note that we are still awaiting our agreed payment of one hundred cattle.

We regret to inform you, however, that we have some concerns about the treatment and training of your dog. It seems apparent that he is not offered much affection or exercise in his day-to-day life. He is rather fond of chasing snakes, which is a problem given that he persists in mistaking his tail for a snake (to be fair, so did we initially!). Additionally he seems to be fond of leg-humping, which I’m sure you will appreciate is also a problem given his size and threatening aspect. We recommend that he is given at least two long walks per day, and ideally that he also has a course of sessions with our in-house pet psychologist. He also needs to be microchipped. As I am sure you are aware, 'Underworld’ is not an adequate address and also appears to be that of a previous owner (we did contact the band Underworld, but they denied all knowledge). If you have not made any progress on these issues by the time of the follow-up appointment, we may sadly be forced to contact the necessary authorities.

Yours sincerely,
Faithful Friend Vets Ltd.