Listing to Port

123 Quests
 -1123.1 In search of miscellaneous items
    –1123.11 Treasure
       —1123.111 Treasure with mystical powers
       —1123.112 Treasure with great social significance
       —1123.113 Treasure that will just make you rich
    –1123.12 Swords or other weapons
       —1123.121 Obtained from lakes or rivers
       —1123.122 Obtained from stones
       —1123.123 Obtained from weapons shop
    –1123.13 Food and drink
       —1123.131 Fountains of youth, beauty or pertness
       —1123.132 Fruits
          —1123.1321 Forbidden ones
          —1123.1322 Tasty ones
       —1123.133 Ice cream, chocolate or cookies
          —1123.1331 Those that are perfect
    –1123.14 Clothes, shoes or accessories
    –1123.15 Keys, remote controls and other miscellaneous items
 -1123.2 In search of people or other beings
    –1123.21 Gurus, messiahs or prophets
    –1123.22 Ordinary people just like you, the reader, who are the subject of mysterious prophecies
 -1123.3 In search of knowledge
    –1123.31 In search of Meaning
    –1123.32 In search of The Ineffable
       —1123.321 In which the questers failed to bring a large enough supply of effs
 -1123.4 In search of mystical powers
 -1123.5 In search of something you had all along
    –1123.51 In search of yourself
    –1123.52 The real treasure was the friends you made along the way
    –1123.53 The real treasure was your navel
       —1123.531 When you gaze into it your navel also gazes back
       —1123.532 The quest ends when all involved are accidentally sucked into a giant bellybutton
    –1123.54 Item was on your head all the time
 -1123.6 Quests to get rid of things
    –1123.61 In the ancient forge whence it was made
    –1123.62 In the appropriate recycling bin
 -1123.7 Unsuccessful quests
    –1123.71 The real treasure was NOT the friends you made along the way, actually everyone was kind of trying to kill you
    –1123.72 Desperate million-to-one hope inexplicably failed to come off

1. To take in hand the Fabled Sword of Truth and gird your loins with the Ancient Armour of Smriti the Dragonslayer; thus armed, to boldly step aboard the number 3 bus and take them to the local antique dealers; to get them evaluated for a quick sale in the hope of being able to pay this month’s rent.
2. To place the Ring of Power in the electricity meter, thus reaping a near-infinite but possibly evil supply of household energy.
3. To boldly venture into the cleft down the middle of a split infinitive, find a dilemma and cut off its horns.
4. To climb the rocky ridges of the Northern Mountains, find the golden dragon and slay it; take its hoard of nine thousand fabulous rubies; explain to the golden dragon’s children that it was a necessary act, as they weep acid tears and rend their scales; and represent your fraternity of adventurers in the international dragon court on charges of murder and theft.
5. To retrieve the fabled blade Sandwich-Cleaver from the ruins of the Great Picnic in That Field With The Bull In It.
6. To find somewhere to pee unobtrusively in the Kingdom of the Fairies.
7. To travel forwards through time at the rate of one second per second for the rest of your life.
8. To set sail on your reinforced steamship on a mission to the shopping malls of the seven seas, in search of the fabled Dress With Pockets That Can Be Machine-Washed.
9. To struggle across the Marshes of Despair, fight off eagles in the Red Mountains and stumble half-blindly over the Desert of Bones to get to the oasis wherein lies the Reliquary of the Elbow of Saint Constantine, only to find that there is a road to it from the other direction.