Listing to Port

1. High Security, 2055. Following the widespread legalisation of most intoxicants in Europe in the 2040s, High Security was a restaurant themed around smuggling drugs through airports. Patrons were thoroughly frisked and had their bags searched on entry, before being seated at a table in a small interrogation room and served one of a number of themed meals. Their pot brownies were particularly notable. High Security lasted all of three months before an incident in which a patron unfortunately assumed the small sachets of white powder on the table were salt, after which it was closed down. 

2. Wet Dog, 2077. Wet Dog was a place for connoisseurs of what the founders believed was the most underestimated smell/taste combination: wet dog. Serving a select range of whiskies, wines and cheeses, Wet Dog also featured a real-life dog smelling menu, where patrons could compare and contrast the gentle fug of a damp spaniel with the full-on stink of a sopping saint bernard. Wet Dog managed two years of operation before its supply of contrarian diners dried up. It was able to maintain its large dog collection by rebranding as a dog cafe, however.

3. Shark, 2028. Shark was a cross between a takeaway and restaurant service for people without enough free time to go out for food. Patrons would place an order on Shark’s website during the day; in the evening, a waiter would turn up in a van with a large box containing a table, chairs, and a number of large screens linked in to other shark patrons to give the impression of one very large restaurant. The waiter would serve the requested meal, and the patrons were free to nip out in the middle to perform important teleconferences or wipe the toddler. Shark was a victim of its own success, with demand growing faster than its its suppliers’ ability to provide its unique screen technology. The virtual restaurant went on hiatus in 2029 and became caught up in the great crash of 2030, finally declaring bankruptcy in 2032.

4. Banana, 2025. The place to go for lovers of curved fruit, Banana specialised in introducing interesting and unusual banana and plantain cultivars to the UK and serving them up with a nearly unbearable amount of single and double entendre. Patrons could also mark their preferred state of greenness and squishiness of the classic Cavendish banana on a large chart on the wall, and admire the unusual decor (bright yellow with a selection of cock jokes in expensive fonts). Banana was shut down in 2031 following a spate of incidents in which its distinctive takeaway containers were used to hide automatic weapons.

1. The Flesh Pot, 2080. Taking advantage of the widespread uptake of vat meat, the Flesh Pot specialised in providing diners with very small, very expensive steaks made from the genetic material of the celebrity of their choice. The Flesh Pot was very careful to be scrupulously above board. All celebrities on the menu endorsed the restaurant and had personally donated their DNA to the on-site vat farm in South London. As a result, their selection was a little peculiar and tended towards the C-list. However, there was always rumoured to be a basement to the building, accessible via a fold-out mirror in the building’s excessively plush toilets, where somewhat less ethical meals were served: for example, the flesh of non-affiliated personalities (bin raids for genetic seeding material being a well-publicised hazard of fame in the near future) as well as experimental organ and other scaffold-based meats. An article in the New Sun in 2082 claimed that an infiltrating reporter had been served a faithful replica of a horse’s penis made from the genetic material of a well-known singer, and that the offered menu included the option to consume the hearts of one’s enemies, given a few strands of hair and a couple of months’ lead time. As a result, the Flesh Pot was shut down in 2085, though many years later its core concept spawned a chain of neo-Venusian fast food restaurants.

2. Light.1, 2088. Light.1 did not serve food; rather, patrons ‘dined’ on light, air, smells and sounds harvested from across the world. From 2091 water was also occasionally served with meals, although many purists felt that this was going against the original concept. Light.1 was initially branded as an art concept restaurant. However, it soon found its three windowless dining rooms were frequently underoccupied. By 2095 the restaurant, which was kept in operation by the ready flow of some billionaire’s art-wank money, had primarily rebranded itself as a weight loss enterprise. Although the main restaurant closed in 2100, the concept was kept alive by a travelling Light.1 roadshow offering non-dining experiences in some of the world’s deeper caves.

3. The Cauldron, 2109. The main dining room of the cauldron was built around an enormous pot, set bubbling in 2109 and kept boiling for the entire lifetime of the restaurant. Two rows of seats (the restaurant’s entire capacity) surrounded the pot. After initially being seeded with an unknown set of ingredients, the pot was entirely stocked with ingredients provided by the restaurant’s patrons, who were allowed to taste a spoonful of the current stew when making their (exclusive, in-person only) booking. The restaurant had no chef and only a skeleton staff. Its stews were frequently peculiar-tasting, but oddly popular; perhaps because patrons felt they were contributing something to some kind of notable crowdsourcing event thing. The existence of the Cauldron was probably prompted by the 2100’s fashion for boiling all foodstuffs to unrecognisability, following the unfortunate advent of Salmonella X in 2102.