Listing to Port

1. So it all started at the local shop. You know the sort of thing. Stacking shelves and stuff. Complicated by the fact that payroll had messed up my contract so thoroughly that I ended up paying the top rate of tax, child support to a fifteenth cousin in the Shetland Isles and interest payments towards an outstanding parking fine incurred in 1875 near my place of birth. So my take-home pay was 1p. It is OK to discuss pay, isn’t it? Modern age and all that. Fortunately that was in the days when 1p sweets existed, so at least I got to go home with a banana duck once in a while. Anyway, one of our customers used to hand over his cash with his fingers twisted up like this, and one day I was a bit bored so I did the same thing back, and he said how surprised he was to meet a fellow Hughes-Fotherwell alumnus here, and did I need a better job?
2. So of course I said yes, and the next thing I know I’m up at the big house buffing the crockery. Serious crockery. I mean, I’d never used a butter dish before. And this guy has, like, a scallop turntable and I have to know how to get the sauce out. Polish the camembert crank. Pre-stretch the celery flange. Grease the cocktail slide. Then one day I put two fingers in his asparagus launcher. Bad idea. There was going to be a lawsuit, but word got out that International Crockery Magazine was sending a correspondent to smear both sides and nobody had the heart to continue after that.
3. Needless to say, I wasn’t sold on going back to domestic service. There was a bit of a payoff after the crockery incident, so I used it to set up a small business as an importer of banana ducks. Branched out into duck bananas after a while - confit duck in a crisp banana-shaped sugar shell, since you ask. Only my duck supplier was problematic. Eventually I got on the ferry to go and see what was up, and it turned out the ducks had revolted. Which obviously put a dent in my supply chain. Anyhow, the ducks tied me to an enormous slice of bread and floated me out on this lake full of ravenous gulls and geese and swans and emus and whatnot.
4. Adrenaline is a wonderful thing. Under the influence of sheer terror, I managed to paddle and hump that bread all the way to the Canal du Midi and thence out to sea. There I bumped into some pirates who had been shipwrecked. They were pretty glad to get bread, I can tell you, even if it was a bit soggy. Offered me a job straight away. But I couldn’t countenance a life of crime. After some discussion, we rebranded as providers of piracy experiences instead. You know the sort of thing - jump on board the yachts of the super-rich with your eyepatch on, sing a few Gilbert and Sullivan numbers and send a hat around. I made some fascinating contacts and nearly nobody tried to kill me. Started hiring myself out as a consultant in adventure, but it wasn’t really a secure profession. I remember telling this guy on this giant purple yacht about this and he said he could sort something.
5. It must have worked because the next thing I know I was being headhunted by a NASA subcontractor for a mission to Mars. Literally headhunted - they just wanted the head. They had this system, see, you plop the head in, tiny little rocket which doesn’t need much fuel, sleep until Mars and then pootle around in this little rover with spider legs. Obviously wouldn’t go down too well with the public so there was a cover story. The main camera was going to be broken. Helmetcam pictures only, head shots, all rockets filmed from long distance. They thought the camera thing might become a meme. They’d even invested in an app that did helmetcam-style pictures with a red filter: ‘Nancycam’. I was going to be called Nancy for this project, you see, after Nancy Reagan. Anyhow, they hadn’t quite got ethical approval yet but they were pretty sure about it. So there I was on the operating table, knife poised, when there was a power cut. Kind of lucky, because by the time the electric company got it sorted word had come down from on high that they wanted a nice white space dude with a little bit of stubble and could we see his hands too. So I was out of a job again.  
6. I was a bit off the idea of government agencies by then. Thought I’d go for academia instead. Obviously a bit challenging with my employment history but I put in a few speculative applications to see if I could wing it and lo and behold, I got an interview for the new Professorship of Bollocks at the University of West Wittering. Totally truthful at the interview and they didn’t believe a word of it. So of course they offered me the post straight away. Only thing was, someone had made a terrible mistake. It was actually a Professorship of real bollocks. Sponsored by a major dog company. They wanted to make a brand of treat biscuits with a testicle-licking sort of taste for the discerning canine bachelor. So I spent three months supervising students swabbing dog balls. Bit disappointing. I decided it was time to move on.  
7. What I’m trying to say is, I’ve tried all the other options, more or less, and they don’t work for me. You will not have a more loyal library assistant. Seriously. Also, I can get the library a great deal on banana ducks.

1. Pair of (probably?) socks, approx 2m long, red wool. Found drifting in space by object cleanup.
2. Jar of long white worms, approx 80cm in height, in some kind of jelly. Strong odour. Have been informed these are a delicacy on New Titan.
3. Two pairs false teeth. First pair thirty teeth including eight of canine-type; second pair twelve teeth including four of canine-type. Seem to be matching: possibly belonging to a two-mouthed species or ceremonial parent-and-child set?
4. Small brown furry creature, approx 50cm long, with stripy tail. Very vocal. Unsure if lost property or lost property owner come to collect. Language (if it is language) unavailable in Universal Translator but have sent a picture of the creature to the developers with a request for inclusion in the next update.
5. Compete set of hypervenusian chess in four dimensions. Looks as if abandoned mid-game. Protrusion into third dimension mainly dominated by red and infrared pieces. Have requested assessment by chess expert as catastrophic dimensional energy release is possible if game left unfinished.  
6. Blue and yellow striped mitten, five fingers, probably belonging to human child. Left on wall in main lobby.
7. Basket of yellow eggs, slightly slimy. Believe these to be New Titan Crocodilian eggs, in which case leaving them in a public place is part of the life cycle and they have been incorrectly deposited here. New Titan authorities contacted for repatriation. Strong preference expressed for repatriation before hatching.
8. Portable nitrogen-sulphur atmosphere generator, approx 1m long, exterior chrome with art deco stylings. Currently sealed in isolation vault as faulty on switch is triggered by loud noises.
9. Small robotic exoskeleton, approx 90cm high, six limbs, probably belonging to one of the Kepler-442b species. Appears to be intelligent and is asking to claim asylum. Have sent request to hub legal centre regarding a) status as property or independent being, b) survivability of local conditions for likely owner without exoskeleton and c) our obligations under intergalactic quarantine law if owner is present in the shuttle hub.