Listing to Port

1. That medium-sized tanker in a fetchingly sensible shade of silver. This is a shipment of very fine dream sand, as you would be able to discern if you could get close enough to read the hazard notice. I would not recommend getting quite that close, because if the tanker were to suffer a spillage everyone within a three-month radius would end up furiously sleeping for at least three months.

2. The small grey truck with a conspicuous ‘speed limiter installed’ sign. This is not actually a truck. It is two elephants on a specially-modified bicycle. You are only seeing it as a truck because that is what you expect a large grey object to be on a road of this size.

3. The large green truck with a stylised smiley face logo on it, heading West. This truck is full of spies. Literally full: they are stacked some seven deep in an ingenious spy stacking system which cannot be patented on account of being top secret. They are conservatively-dressed and have very serious faces, apart from the one at the bottom who is making fart jokes and being ignored.

4. That red shipping container, glimpsed briefly in traffic in the other lane. Contents: a slightly smaller red shipping container, containing a slightly smaller red shipping container, containing another, slightly smaller red shipping container, and so on. The source of so many shipping containers of non-standard dimensions is not obvious. In the smallest container is a miniature safe, locked, key nowhere in sight, emitting a furious buzzing noise.

5. The small orange shipping container, marked with a logo in a language you do not read. This is a shipment of fruit, primarily silver moon apples headed for the perilous realm, where they will form part of the fairy world’s seasonal fruit baskets. If you are offered one of these fruit baskets, do not accept it.

6. A small-size black and white horse carrier, no horse visible inside. This carrier was once used by one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and as a result has become a place of pilgrimage for ghosts. At the moment it is being used to transport the ghosts of Arthur Sullivan and W. S. Gilbert. They have obtained some highly sought-after permits to spend the night haunting a theatre in which Hamilton is being performed, and are making their way there right now.

7. Half a house, as transported on a special truck for the carrying of large things. This is a witch-squashing house, as popularised by the film the Wizard of Oz. These days, they are usually remotely controlled; essentially, they are the drones of the mystical world. This one has been damaged by being dropped from a great height onto a particularly rocky coven. It is being sent for repair in Swindon.

Cats in the dark, serenity, dodo eggs, a good heart, the truth, the sort of little tiny vital screws without which bits of your gizmo will forever be popping off, the right muse, the spoons, that toy that you saw five minutes ago, anything that you cannot phone, treasure, successful chameleons, a suitable stick to put the moon on that is long enough and not so pointy that it will leave an unsightly hole for future generations to mythologise, anything that is actually where you left it last, the motivation, things that have popped out of existence for a quick break but will totally be back shortly, masters of disguise, things the dog ate, absolute silence, ghosts, things that are behind or under other hard-to-find objects, your way, the world’s smallest violin, elephants that are in the fridge or a tree or your living room, lost worlds, time.

A picture that is hung upside down, a lion hiding under the bed, when you have a positive experience with bureaucracy whilst living in a futuristic dystopia, things that jump out from behind other things and say boo, success in activities that you believe you have failed, maps that show a secret base to the left of the path, snails that have come inside, that phone call that you have almost forgotten will come someday, when the fridge opens into an icy hell full of snow-white dragons and at least one of them has got its small grey eyes on you, being remembered by those you believe to have long forgotten you, lottery wins, car crashes, when your colleagues have filled your place of work with a humorous substance, parcels from obscure sources, the mysterious disappearance and reappearance of Mindanao, joy that comes from nowhere, kittens falling through the ceiling.

Good times, bad times, mediocre but not terrible coursework, footballers, small kidney stones, creatures that are not balrogs, ships in the night, rainstorms, people whose appearance corresponds to societal expectations about how people like them should look, vehicles that are moving faster than other vehicles, the port on tables of people who are accustomed to referring to things in the passive voice whilst drinking port, players of card games with bad hands who are not inclined to bluff, property and titles following a death, laws, wind, passports when presented at a suitable border, gaps between mountains, urine, this.

Kittens that have dared each other to run through your house, the West Wind whilst it is falling asleep, your various guardian angels having cups of angelic tea in the kitchen and reminiscing, adorable families of fieldmice taking the little ones out for a field trip, cheeses pogoing to very quiet cheese punk, the dark which is whispering to another bit of the dark that it is in love with the dark and generally being a bit goth which is probably ok as it is the dark after all, clouds of sleepy butterflies looking for somewhere to hibernate, ducks, the ghosts of a prehistoric family who have been making prehistoric afternoon tea on this spot at midnight for about half a million years, warm brown furry spirits with big eyes who will sing in harmony but only when they are sure that everyone in the house is asleep and dreaming, a parliament of owls in night session, the distant farts of sea monsters, books ruffling their pages at other in order to win the most literary mate, the cat.

1. The platonic ideal of a cup of coffee, stolen from the realm of ideas and brought to your door by an unusually astute guardian angel
2. Five sparkly elephants who have come to invite you to operate the glitterball at their elephant disco
3. World peace, love and understanding in a box with a bow on it, and you get to open the box and let it all out
4. That character and that other character from that story where you kind of hoped they’d kiss and look, they’re totally doing it, no idea why they thought your doorstep was a good place to do it though, actually now that you’ve opened the door it’s all a bit awkward but in a good way
5. For a day the roads are all rivers and the Knight of the Secret Streams has poled up to your door in a gondola to take whoever would like to come on a tour of all those buildings you don’t normally see because the rivers are not there, also she has a lot of chocolate she’d like to get rid of
6. A compellingly familiar ghost who really needs you to know where the treasure is, what do you mean you don’t know about the treasure, look you’ve got a lot of catching up to do, how about we go for toast and margaritas and discuss this, but make sure you bring your phone because you’re going to need to do a lot of googling and we have to have maps
7. All of the best people, who have come to make you breakfast because they like you

Outer space, London, the sea, some bunnies, a rock, the black door into the
depths of the Parallel Forest, a very quiet place, long-forgotten pirate
treasure, some clouds, some crowds, a stuffed polar bear, John Dee’s
scrying mirror, the Earth’s mantle.

Unshaven chins, velcro, rope, the floor of the broom park at a low-budget witch conference, hedgehogs, those toothbrushes you find at the back of the cupboard, the dry grass of late August, surprised cats, lost brushes that are looking for their dustpans, artisan carpets, donkey nuzzles, old fences, minor mistakes, little round piglet bellies, injured pride, astroturf, pin feathers, conifers, sackcloth.

True love, dust, ceremonial swords, locked boxes, wrappings that shiver in undetectable winds, Christmas trees, spiders, obsolete technologies, nests of cables, murder victims, lecture notes, obscure heirlooms, insect cities, toys that have gone on an adventure, doors into other attics, plutonium, haunted ballgowns, mystery plastic things, fibreglass, stuffed parrots, hatstands, theatrical costumes, stories written in exercise books, suitcases, bare bulbs, crutches, the last breaths of emperors, mummified cakes, cards from distant restaurants, unwanted furniture, aerials, dead clocks, lost bears, glass bottles, silence and birdsong.

1. Due to inflation, the financial outlay involved in purchasing the Thing will seem ridiculously tiny when you look back on it a few decades hence.
2. That Thing will bring you joy, which surely only the greyest and most solemn bureaucratic ranks would put a monetary value on.
3. That Thing looks a little sad where it is and you could probably give it a better life.
4. You probably will eventually so why not do it now?
5. It’s not every day that a Thing comes up for sale. If you don’t get that Thing now then you may never get the chance again.
6. Just look at that Thing’s little tentacle finger bits, aren’t they adorable?
7. Also by purchasing that Thing you may just be saving the casts of the 1982 and 2011 The Thing movies from a terrible fate.