Listing to Port

1. The Land of No-Nos. A movable dimension approximately the size of a cupboard, the Land of No-Nos is thought to have been conjured into existence by a particularly enterprising toddler. It appears as a large plastic door which can be unlocked by any of the large plastic sets of keys sold for children to play with. Inside there lies a small emporium of all the things toddlers would really, really like to play with and/or eat, including bottles of cleaning fluid, small electronic devices, marbles, cat food and random brown lumps picked up off the ground. The appearance of the land of no-nos can sometimes be inferred by one’s offspring becoming either suspiciously quiet or suspiciously loud.
2. The ButterDome. Back in 1987, at the height of the European Butter Mountain, some enterprising dairy-pusher quietly spirited away a few tonnes of butter into a custom miniature dimension about 30 metres across, creating the ButterDome. A visit to the ButterDome is a must for all fans of butter-related extreme sports. Although the butter is primarily used for skiing and tobogganing, there are also tube slides and a range of Winter Olympic sports available. At the end of each session, the butter is squeezed through a wormhole by a specially-trained cadre of grease-resistant badgers, sending it back through its own timeline to its moment of peak freshness before the courses are relaid.
3. The Hoop of Convenience. A small, grey and unremarkable inter-dimensional bubble, the Hoop of Convenience was conjured into being in 1872 by an anonymous socialite. Under the pseudonym Madame Q, she describes her struggles in being the constantly-shining star of every party with a bladder and digestive system that would rather take an occasional break. Being blessed with dimensional powers after accidentally consuming a cocktail meant for an alien partygoer in disguise, she solved this problem by creating the Hoop. It manifests as a round, wooden ring such as might be used to reinforce the floofier kind of dress. When activated, one can step through into the aforementioned bubble, where time moves at a different pace and one can get out of one’s complicated clothes and relieve oneself at leisure. Madame Q is believed to have passed on the Hoop to her descendants, but today it is mainly considered an interesting but smelly curiosity.
4. Olafsson’s Pocket. Olafsson’s Pocket is a pocket dimension which is an actual pocket. It is transferred from garment to garment by means of an ancient curse, which is widely enough known in cursing sort of communities that inflicting someone with Olafsson’s Pocket is a common practical joke. In use, Olafsson’s Pocket functions similarly to a real pocket in that one can insert one’s hand and/or objects into it. However objects frequently emerge somewhat transformed and, as the Pocket is a little leaky, occasionally they are flung into the interstellar vacuum of another Universe.

1. May you open your nappy bag at a time of great need to find only one nappy, used, several days old, and an empty packet of wipes.
2. May your baby open a portal to the vomit dimension and channel a milky spew larger than their own head through it.
3. May the next sleep regression begin tonight.
4. May there be no one food that everyone will eat.
5. May your toddler sequentially vomit on every clean duvet cover in the house.
6. May all your attempts to concentrate be interrupted by ‘I need a wee!’
7. May the toddler toddle your phone and keys off to a mysterious, inaudible and probably damp destination shortly before you are due to go out for an important appointment.
8. May the important toy go missing in the airport.
9. May they eat library books, draw on the walls, post letters into the bath; may their curiosity be channelled into finding out whether technology bounces.
10. May your child catch some picturesque illness that no childminder will come within ten miles of just as you approach a work deadline.
11. May their shoes be wrong in some subtle way that they lack the language to explain.
12. May the baby learn to climb up slides.
13. May you be so tired that you can no longer count.

1. Open the toilet lid, dibble hands in the water, look up and grin
2. Eat the moss the birds peck off the roof
3. Drop things in the cat water bowl, particularly useful things, electronic things, and/or things that make a big splash
4. Open the cleaning supplies cupboard, pull out everything onto the floor, look up and grin
5. Toddle out of the front door and stand in the road
6. Use the cat as a baby walker
7. Closely examine the fragment of cat litter the cat has dropped in the kitchen, before eating it
8. Get up and crawl off in the middle of a nappy change
9. Pull off the exciting flap at the front of library books, look up and grin
10. Throw all food off the side of the highchair, look grumpy because no food is left
11. Bend the covers of board books backwards until the spine pops open
12. Eat cat food
13. Chew the ears of the space hopper, look up and grin while it slowly deflates