Listing to Port

1. That medium-sized tanker in a fetchingly sensible shade of silver. This is a shipment of very fine dream sand, as you would be able to discern if you could get close enough to read the hazard notice. I would not recommend getting quite that close, because if the tanker were to suffer a spillage everyone within a three-month radius would end up furiously sleeping for at least three months.

2. The small grey truck with a conspicuous ‘speed limiter installed’ sign. This is not actually a truck. It is two elephants on a specially-modified bicycle. You are only seeing it as a truck because that is what you expect a large grey object to be on a road of this size.

3. The large green truck with a stylised smiley face logo on it, heading West. This truck is full of spies. Literally full: they are stacked some seven deep in an ingenious spy stacking system which cannot be patented on account of being top secret. They are conservatively-dressed and have very serious faces, apart from the one at the bottom who is making fart jokes and being ignored.

4. That red shipping container, glimpsed briefly in traffic in the other lane. Contents: a slightly smaller red shipping container, containing a slightly smaller red shipping container, containing another, slightly smaller red shipping container, and so on. The source of so many shipping containers of non-standard dimensions is not obvious. In the smallest container is a miniature safe, locked, key nowhere in sight, emitting a furious buzzing noise.

5. The small orange shipping container, marked with a logo in a language you do not read. This is a shipment of fruit, primarily silver moon apples headed for the perilous realm, where they will form part of the fairy world’s seasonal fruit baskets. If you are offered one of these fruit baskets, do not accept it.

6. A small-size black and white horse carrier, no horse visible inside. This carrier was once used by one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and as a result has become a place of pilgrimage for ghosts. At the moment it is being used to transport the ghosts of Arthur Sullivan and W. S. Gilbert. They have obtained some highly sought-after permits to spend the night haunting a theatre in which Hamilton is being performed, and are making their way there right now.

7. Half a house, as transported on a special truck for the carrying of large things. This is a witch-squashing house, as popularised by the film the Wizard of Oz. These days, they are usually remotely controlled; essentially, they are the drones of the mystical world. This one has been damaged by being dropped from a great height onto a particularly rocky coven. It is being sent for repair in Swindon.

1. Millions of tourists visit the Tower of London every year. But did you know that if you wade six steps into the Thames beside the Tower and reach down, you can find the Iron Chain of Spatial Instability which, if pulled, will suck your soul down into an alternative sewer dimension whilst a bored mud monster operates your body like a flesh puppet for the rest of your natural life?

2. Few experiences can match the excitement of arriving in Venice, ready for a wonder-packed few days exploring the canals and back streets of La Serenissima. If you’ve ever wished you could do nothing else but arrive in Venice, believe it or not, you’re in luck. Hidden away behind a snack machine in the Santa Lucia railway station is a time loop which activates every second Thursday in July. Well-informed travellers can spend a thousand years continually arriving in Venice in the space of a few minutes, before their dead-eyed and exhausted husk stumbles to the nearby Trattoria Il Vagone to sample the limoncello of existential despair.

3. Think that the best beaches are accessible only to the super-rich? Think again! By reciting the simple mantra ‘Sator arepo tenet opera rotas’ three hundred times, you too can gain access the Beach of Dessicated Souls, a pristine strand of pale gold sand made from the lightly crumbled souls of all who venture there, gently lapped by a turquoise sea of mermaids’ tears. Don’t worry, your body can go home any time it wants - and it’ll have a great tan, too!

4. One of the latest crazes to sweep the globe is the cat cafe. For a small fee, patrons can spend time with the world’s most adorable felines while nursing a much-needed coffee. If this is your mug of java, why not go back to the source of the craze, in Japan? For those who wish to try a new take on the trend, we recommend Neko ni kuwa in Osaka. The store’s expert baristas will, if asked, gently roll your soul from your body in the form of a small glowing ball, and give it to the cats to play with forever.

5. Do you long for the glitz and glamour of the Golden Age of Hollywood? Well, let us let you in on one of the closest-kept secrets of Tinseltown. There is a reason why stars walk down the red carpet with a spring in their step and a sparkle in their eye, and it’s not what you think - and you can be part of it too! For just two hundred dollars, you can join the magic circle of the Fae of Old Hollywood, giving you the right to attend their fabulous midnight ceremonies in which your soul is wound out from your body on long sticks and hand-woven into the area’s famous red carpets. Let your body go home and do all the dull stuff - your soul could be right there in underneath those famous feet. Go for it!